Last night I woke up at 12:02. I have a pretty good memory, so I think I’m correct when I say that, but with what happened that night, I really can’t say. I checked my phone for the time, and I went back to sleep.
I woke up again, this time at 1:05. Everything around me was pitch black, so I felt for my phone and realized my nightlight was unplugged.
I plugged it back in, checked the time and went back to sleep.
This time I woke up at 1:27. My curtains were spread wide apart. I remembered I just got new curtains in my room, and I almost always kept them close together.
I remembered that I always had them that way every night because I don’t like looking outside.
I probably forgot to close them that night, no big deal. I shoved the curtains back together, checked the time, and went back to sleep.
I woke up at 2:17 this time. The curtains were open again.
There were a few white dots outside the window. Probably bugs or something. I closed the curtains again, checked the time, and went back to sleep.
I woke up again 2:45. The curtains were open again. This time, though, the window was broken.
It started to get cold, so I grabbed my phone and went to the thermostat. It said that it was 75 degrees. I changed it to 81 and went back to sleep.
I woke up again at around 3:30 or something. There was this weird voice in my head that woke me up. It sounded weird… like someone was trying to speak through a filter… whatever. There was wind coming through the windows, so I closed the curtains again, but that didn’t really help. I looked outside, but it was all just pitch black. Not much of a surprise. Whatever. I went back to sleep.
I woke up again at, like, 4 something. I heard that voice again. It was freezing in my room. I wen to the thermostat and the reading said 62 degrees.
I went back to my room, and the nightlight was unplugged again. At least I had my phone this time. I plugged my nightlight back in and went to sleep.
I don’t remember what time it was. My room was pitch black again. Stupid nightlight. Why did it keep getting unplugged? I grabbed my phone and went over to the nightlight and well… it was plugged in. So the power went out.
I walked out of my room to go get my laptop and send an email to my electricity company. My phone shook.
Less than 3% remaining
It was just at 90%? Whatever. I walked through the pitch black hallways trying to find the office. Man, do I take sight for granted. I never know when I’m going to hit a wall. I stumbled around and found the door handle to the office door. I was too lazy to change this door handle to what all the rest are. I opened the door and felt my way around to the desk and found my laptop. I turned it on.
SHUT OFF THE COMPUTER
GO BACK TO SLEEP
I shouldn’t have done that. My eyes had just adjusted to the dark. I felt my way back to my bedroom and went back to sleep.
I had a dream…
I was trapped in my room.
It came in.
I tried to run.
It walked towards me.
I couldn’t move.
It came closer.
I couldn’t fight it.
It ripped my arm off.
I couldn’t scream.
I woke up. I don’t remember the time.
It was in the room with me.
After that, I blacked out. It’s all I remember. I don’t know what happened after that. Contact me if you know anything. I don’t know what that thing was. Please let me know. Goodbye.
Okay, so something did happen to me. My arm has been bleeding where it is supposed to be connected to my shoulder, and my computer broke. I went to the doctor and they didn’t know what was going on. It’s been about 5 days since it happened. I’m kinda worried about my health.Whenever I dab up the blood, it seems to go away. I’m not sure but I don’t think I’m actually bleeding on my arm. Oh, I almost forgot. I had another dream about it. It was strange. In the dream, I wasn’t me. I was it. I was walking around in weirdly colored house. I walked into a room I didn’t recognize. There was a man frozen in place. I ripped his arm in off and ate it. It tasted like chicken.
After that, I woke up. It was weird. It seems as if it was trying to show me something...
I’m not sure how I feel about the idea or timeline of events. The general technology weirdness and vague Mandela effect the protagonist is apparently suffering from just seem unconnected, and nothing really scary comes of it except something coming in last second and messing with them. It’d help if you explained what sort of base idea you’re working off of in order to create a better narrative. (Im assuming the monster/phenomena is kind of alien-based?)
Also in terms of grammar I think you can do without the awkward pauses throughout the beginning and middle: “weird;odd”, etc. It breaks the tension too many times and can make the reader bored or unsurprised when the scare does come. Also, some consistency is off (eg: “it came in > i couldn’t fight it > then it walks forward/rips off arm > THEN comes closer”)?. Rewriting it to “I couldn’t move as it came closer and closer. Until it was close enough I could feel it’s talons grasp my arm and pull”.
A few things:
1. What is it that you mean by Alien-based?
2. Explain what you mean about the Mandela effect...
3. Thank you for correcting the order of the last few sentences (I didn’t realize that it was bad)
4. The monster isn’t a figment of his imagination, but the last few sentences were a dream.
5. I’m not sure if you noticed, but the pasta was slowly building off of the fact that he has a near photographic memory, and that by the end of the pasta he doesn’t remember anything.
6. Only the last few sentences were a dream, everything else “actually” happened.
7. When it was in the room with him, he passed out. It didn’t do anything to him.
8. Finally, the bit about the computer happened because of the monster, as it was able to mess with electric currents and code. Also, (side-note) the voice he heard was female.
I pointed out it appears to be the Mandela effect because the perception of the narrator is still fairly unreliable despite his photographic memory, he insists that everything happened yet has a dream sequence he deems important enough to write about, so it might as well have been imaginary. The sequence of events basically says “this happened, thats all” and leads to nowhere. There also isn’t much rhyme or reason to the nature of the phenomenon hence my use of aliens as an example: it just appeared to be the closest approximation. It could be a ghost or whatever for all we know
Basically what I’m asking is “so what?” Why should we, the reader, be scared if the narrator seems nonplussed by the events, especially if there was no real consequence?