I should have stayed at home, is what I find myself saying most days now. I know my friends mean well however after what happened with Lauren I find myself stuck in most days. However at the same time I find myself wanting to go out but every time I go to leave my apartment, every time I hold my hand over the handle I... I only used to leave my apartment to go to Lauren’s but now she’s out of my life I don’t know if I want to go out and enjoy myself, do I deserve this? Should I deserve this?
I find myself out at this club called “Zone” me and my friends found this place after searching around the city. This place smells of alcohol to be expected however there’s another smell... I can’t quite describe it... whatever it is it’s foul, it’s like someone has had a terrible accident in the toilet or everyone in this room right now hasn’t washed in months.
I felt eyes on me all the time but surely that’s because I’m in a club on the dance floor, but no matter how much time passes I still feel like I’m being watched constantly. I start to walk over towards the bar and order myself a drink but on the way there I felt like I was being followed, I turn around to see if I could spot them but no... no one was there, I find Keanu, Ben and Lewis and ask them if they can smell this foul stench in the air, to my surprise and also shock they told me They couldn’t and that I must be imagining things, they told me to loosen up and have a few more drinks, I should have stayed at home.
The following day I was dragged out to the zoo, I should of stayed at home, it’s raining the weather is miserable however it feels... comforting, no one can tell when you’re crying in the rain. However once again I felt eyes on me all the time I was there like I was being watched and followed. We were walking around the reptile and insect house that’s when my friends decided to play this sort of game, we would split up and try to find the weirdest animal in this house, so we split up I was enjoying myself for once looking at these insects trying to find the weirdest one in my opinion.
I end up in this small room with multiple species of insects and that’s when I smelt that same smell again... I turn around hoping to find someone or something that could explain the smell but no one and nothing was around and then it happened again. I felt eyes on me again and I felt this presence but there’s only me and a ton of insects, I rushed out of the room hoping to find my friends but no one was around it’s like I was alone in this damn house of horrors all I could hear was the faint movement each of the tanks and setups of the insects and reptiles I headed outside rushing past rooms and found my friends, a sort of look was on there faces. “dude where have you been you was gone for like an hour” what? How was I gone for an hour it must’ve been mere minutes, five minutes at most but they claimed I was gone for an hour? How is that even possible?
A couple of days later they had taken me to a restaurant, I think the place was called “the silk path” I’m not overly keen on Indian food however I’m willing to try anything... anything to get me out of my apartment... and out of my mind.
I excused myself to the toilets and gone into a stall and just sat down and counted to ten to calm myself, anxiety is a bitch sometimes. I heard the door creak open I decided to wait until I heard it open and close again to avoid other people and didn’t want others to see me. A minute turned to three minutes maybe longer however I heard nothing, no one using the urinals, no one using the taps and hand dryers. There was no one in here when I came in, I was the only one in here, which means who ever came in... has to still be there waiting for me... I texted my friend Lewis to come in and save me as I’m sure there’s someone there.
Moments later Lewis burst in and called out to me I answered calling out I’m in this stall, he ran over and knocked saying “it’s me Lewis open the door there’s no one here”. What does he mean there’s no one there, I heard the door, I heard foot steps walking towards me I know someone was in here I could just feel it, I felt it in the atmosphere there was someone in here and I don’t know where they or where they had gone but I don’t care I just needed to get out of here. I should have stayed at home.
A few days later my friends dale and Lewis wanted to go and clear out this old barn they have brought in the middle of god knows where, I think the farm was called “lands end”. It must have been about half an hour when Lewis and dale drove off to get some lunch and a few cleaning supplies and before they left they had asked if I’d be fine alone to carry on cleaning the basement, I agreed of course but that’s just me being too nice.
I heard someone walk in and closed the main door, but that’s impossible I haven’t heard dale’s car and we’re out in the middle of no where. Whoever it is, they are humming and whistling this sort of carnival music, but the way they are humming and whistling it just sounds so bad and out of tune, and then I heard a power drill... I heard them whine it and power it to match the carnival tune they are whistling. They stopped at the top of the stairs, and then their heavy foot steps started the descent step by step, I tried to hide in this old cupboard that I had cleaned out, I closed the door and hid.
All I can hear is the footsteps coming towards the room I’m in, they entered and shut the door behind them. I cant see anything which I’m both glad and fearful off, it’s like they knew instantly where I was and moved towards my hiding space I’m begging and pleading and praying to god, any gods, anything that can help me right now to get rid of this person or to get me out of this room right now. That’s when my cupboard door creaked open.
too many comma splices\poor punctuation; sentences and thoughts always end with a period. Sentences start with a capitalization. If a sentence is going on for too long, put a comma or period in it.
Get rid of the ellipses (...)’s. Your character is not in an RPG or journal entry, it drags out the story.
Character dialogue should have “” marks at the beginning and end. Dialogue should be prefaced or marked afterward with a ‘he/she/they said’ so we know who is talking: it shouldnt be a block of speech.
There is a lot to be worked on here tonally and story-wise. The main character is mopey about his ex girlfriend, okay sure. Why is he going to a new location every other paragraph, only to be harassed by a supposedly supernatural entity? Why does that entity have a power drill and sing carnival music? None of it makes sense contextually. You could have the characters going to the same location 90% of the story and it would be just as effective if not more because you go into a rhythm. You can also flesh out what the danger is more instead of having this random malignant force pop up everytime and do nothing.
As I said the (...)’s, coupled with poorly punctuated sentences, turns the whole story into a sort of rambling nothing about this guy going to places and being scared. You also wasted no time getting to the tension, which arguably if you DID want to keep the dance floor scene, have it be the final scene as it is a great setting for amped up anxiety emotions. Otherwise building it up instantly from the first major scene just defuses any belief or immersion in the story.
Thanks for taking the time to read through and point out the problems and giving advice on how to fix them. I shall go though it again taking out the ellipsis, the (...), adding more speech marks to represent thoughts the MC is thinking, as well as adding the he/she/they said. Also i’ll try to bring it down to just having one or maybe two locations, instead of as you said go to multiple places.
I’ll also change the days around to put the dance floor scene last and will expand upon it as well to see if I can have a better climax to the story. Not to mention i’ll go through and add more explanations or even just more dialogue between the characters to try and flesh out what’s happened before with the MC and his ex girlfriend as well as add more hints and clues as to why the MC is going though what he is during the story.
After all the changes have gone though and been made I shall re-upload again with hopefully a better story with more tension, more character dialogue to make the story more believable and relatable between these friends, as well as hopefully a better climactic ending.