My name is Folly. I have a sister named Molly. We're stuck together. I live in a big house with Mommy and Daddy. There are lots of other people in the house. Some of them like me. Most of them hate me. My sister hates me. I hate her too.
"Hmm...so Molly here has no physical abnormalities other than full and overlapping attachment to her sister." the doctor says, "The sister, Folly, however, has a drooping left eye, snarled lip, and cannot seem to form proper words."
"I'm the smart one." Molly says.
"Doctor, is there nothing that can be done? Is there nothing you can do to separate them?" Mommy says. "I'm afraid not, madam. The twins share too many vital organs. Molly and Folly are essentially a 'two-headed girl' so to speak, a cerberus." Doctor says.
"Just as well that I was cursed to give birth to the twin daughters of the underworld. Blame it on my diet. I confess that I was not always utterly sober during my pregnancy. Do you have any advice?" Mommy says. "I would have advised not to name the less fortunate girl 'Folly'. It can't be good for the poor girl's self-esteem." Doctor says.
"What self-esteem? She cannot speak, she cannot read, she cannot write. Molly can at least manage that when Folly's not dragging her down. Besides, I nearly bled to death upon giving birth. She is indeed Folly." Mommy says.
"Pray, madam. Pray for mercy upon you all." Doctor says.
My sister is pretty. I am ugly. Mommy likes Molly. Mommy does not like me. I don't know if Daddy likes me. He is more nice to me than Mommy but I don't see him much.
"Well, hello there Molly, Dolly. No, I won't call you Folly like your mother does. Here's some candy drops for you two." Daddy says.
"Father, you know Folly can't have these. She'll choke." Molly says.
"I guess you may have them all then, Molly." Daddy says.
Molly is a liar. I won't choke. I won't choke. One of the nice maid ladies gave me a candy drop. It was sweet. I liked it. Molly and me wear a pretty pink dress. I like pretty dresses. Molly likes pretty dresses. Molly won't share. I hate her.
"I'm leaving." Daddy says to Mommy, "This time I won't be coming back."
"You can't just walk out!" Mommy shouts, "It'll cause a scandal! Who's going to raise our daughter?"
"I'm certain the nannies and tutors are doing a fine job." Daddy says.
The 'tutors' hit me with a ruler sometimes when I'm bad. Molly gets mad because she feels it too. Then she pinches me and gets even more mad because she feels it too.
"Muh...dah...muh...." I try to talk. I try to say 'mommy' and 'daddy'. I try to talk.
"Hush, Folly!" Molly whispers.
"MUUUUHHH!!!!" I say very loud. Mommy gets angry. She wants to hit me but doesn't want to hit Molly. She just growls.
One of the nice maid ladies has a kitty cat. I like kitty cats. I pet him sometimes. I call him 'Sunny' but Molly calls him 'Cheshire'.
"Suuhh...suhhh...suh....." I say his name when I pet him. Sunny purrs. I like it when he purrs.
"Don't pet Cheshire so hard!" Molly says, "You'll hurt him!"
"Nuh...nuhhh...." I try to say. I wasn't hurting him. I don't hurt him. I love him.
Molly pets him too hard. Molly yanks his tail. Sunny gets mad. Sunny scratches her. I feel it too.
"Stupid cat!" Molly says and pushes Sunny away really hard.
"Stop roughing around with my cat!" the nice maid lady says.
"Folly did it!" Molly says.
"I doubt it." the maid lady says.
I can't remember her name because there are so many people. I just know she is nice to me.
"Come here, Dolly." the maid says. She also doesn't call me 'Folly' like Mommy.
I try to walk toward her but Molly won't go very far.
"Stop tripping me, Folly!" Molly says.
The nice maid lady walks over and gives us a hug.
"Please don't torment your sister, Molly." the maid lady says, "You two have to look out for each other."
"She's always getting in the way!" Molly says, "I don't want to be stuck to her!"
Molly is crying. I hate it when she cries. It makes me mad. She gets mad when I cry, too.
One day, another doctor comes to see us. Mommy looks very upset.
"So there is an institution, for other 'special' girls like my daughter?" Mommy says.
"Yes, we have a permanent wing for disabled children." Doctor says.
"I may not be able to maintain my father's fortune forever." Mommy says, "I simply can't afford to keep Molly around the house for the rest of my life."
"She'll be well kept." Doctor says.
"I have to go away to school?" Molly asks.
"It's a special school for good girls like you." Mommy says.
"You mean its a school for stupid, ugly girls!" Molly says, "I'll be stuck with stupid and ugly friends! I want smart, pretty friends! I'm a smart, pretty girl! Folly is ugly! Make us come apart!"
Molly starts crying but I'm not mad this time. Mommy's crying is making me sad. I'm crying too.
"Muhh....muhhh...muhhhh..." I try to say.
At bedtime, Molly takes most of the covers. I'm cold. I used to fight. I don't fight anymore because I hate it when Mommy yells. Molly wakes up because Sunny hopped on our bed and meowed. I wake up too.
"Suuhhh...suhhh..." I tell him.
I try to pet Sunny but Molly pushes him off the bed. She gets up and kicks him and kicks him and I almost have to kick him too. Sunny meows like he's hurt and and the nice maid lady comes in. Molly keeps kicking and Sunny stops meowing.
The maid lady turns the light on and picks up Sunny. He is not moving.
"You broke his neck....he's dead....who did this?" the maid lady says.
"Folly did it!" Molly says. She is lying.
"Don't lie to me, girl." the maid lady says, "I'm not your mother. How do you like being hit?"
The maid lady smacks and smacks at Molly. I feel it too. Molly's nose runs red. She starts crying.
The maid lady looks very scared and runs away. Mommy is too far away to hear. Molly cries until she's too tired and we go to sleep.
I wake up really mad. I know Molly hurt Sunny. I hate her. I want to come apart. I want to come apart. I want to come apart.
The next day, Molly eats breakfast but I'm not hungry. I'm mad about Sunny. I hate everything.
Me and Molly go outside to play with Mommy. Mommy does not say anything about Sunny. Molly does not say anything about Sunny. I like to play outside. I like the sun. I like Sunny.
"I'll see to it that Ms. Gemela is turned over to the law and never finds hire again." Mommy says, "The police will find her soon enough."
Who is Miss Gemela? Is she the nice maid lady? I can't remember names. I'm bad with names. But I still love her.
I like to run. I try to run. Molly tries too but she trips sometimes. We try to match when we move but not always.
Later, Molly reads a story from a big book by herself but still beside me. I don't know the words but I like the pictures and hearing Molly read. This is when I don't hate her.
"The girl walked down by the shallow stream...." Molly says, "When she walked back up it was just a dream..."
I don't know what that means but the words are pretty. The girl in the book looks pretty. I wish I was pretty. I want to come apart.
Later, Molly is looking at Mommy's big mirror. I am looking too. I am not pretty. Molly does not look pretty right now. Her eye is puffy and blue.
"Ugly, stupid girls. Ugly, stupid girls. Ugly, stupid girls." Molly says. She is getting mad.
"Why do I have to be ugly?!" Molly says, "WHY DO I HAVE TO BE STUCK TO YOU?!!"
Molly throws the big book at the mirror and it breaks. Little pieces fall on the floor. I know Mommy is going to be mad. Molly is going to lie. Molly is going to tell Mommy I did it. I want to come apart. I want to come apart.
"Folly did it. It was her fault." Molly says, "Folly did it. I'll just say Folly did it."
"Nuuh....nuhhh....nuhhh..." I say, "NUUUHH!!! NUHHHH!!! NUHHHH!!!!"
I am very mad. I don't want Molly to lie. I want to come apart. I want to come apart. I make Molly move. I pick up a little piece of mirror. I hit Molly with it. I try to make us come apart. I cut like I watch a knife cutting bread.
Molly is red all over. The pretty dress is covered in red. We can't stand up. I know Mommy is going to be really mad.
Mommy finds us and screams really loud. She picks us up and runs to our bed.
"Call a doctor!!" Mommy says, "CALL A DOCTOR!!"
"Fol....Fol...did...." Molly tries to say.
Molly coughs like she's really sick and spits red in Mommy's face. I cough, too. I'm really sick. I'm really cold. Mommy doesn't say anything. She isn't even mad. She's just really sad. She is crying, alot. I want to hug her.
I want to say I'm sorry. I love you, Mommy.
I see the nice maid lady. Mommy looks up. Mommy is not mad at her either.
"I don't...I don't know what happened." Mommy says, "Was it an accident? Would Molly try to hurt herself?"
"You tell me, Ms. Zwilling." the maid lady says.
Mommy hugs Molly and the maid lady hugs me. I'm cold. I'm going to sleep. I want to hug Molly. I don't want to come apart.
Sentence fix: "I cut like I watch a knife cutting bread" >> "I cut quickly like I'm cutting bread"
I don't know how I feel about the whole thing tonally.
First off, I’m not sure conjoined twins would imply the other is mentally deficient in any capacity: there is a real case of two sisters with two heads sharing a body irl who are totally autonomous from each other. For the sake of the story, I’m willing to suspend disbelief but others might not.
Each sentence is too choppy. Too repetitive. Saying the same thing. << Kind of like this. They’re children, not robots, they can most likely think pretty fluently or with colorful language.
And yeah, overall the mom is just really cartoonishly mean. You could make her displeasure for the twins a little more subtle, since Folly is clearly clever enough to pick up on that sort of thing. I don’t even think you need to have Mom literally call her “mistake” to let the reader know she doesn’t like her.
I’m trying to think of a better way to escalate the situation between Molly and Folly without having every paragraph be Molly complaining about being pretty and smart, but I’m not sure how you’d go about that. The part about Molly reading was pretty good, and I sort of wish there were more segments like that. At least 1.
Thanks for the feedback. I would make some changes but my story is still pending for deletion and I don't see where the story violated the site guidelines.
Just a heads-up, not making any changes to fix instances of awkward wording, improper use of punctuation in dialogue (i.e. only use a period in dialogue if that is the end of the sentence and there's no dialogue tag), redundancy/repetition (____ says is used 30+ times and it really could use some variation), and working on the plot issues discussed above in the next couple of days will likely result in the story being deleted this weekend.
Sherlocktavia wrote: Thanks for the feedback. I would make some changes but my story is still pending for deletion and I don't see where the story violated the site guidelines.
Its not so much any overt violation of rules or mechanical issues, but the generally minimal amount of objective "scariness" happening in the story, and the overall progression I listed above. While just on the very edge of Deletion requirements (IMO) your story can still be saved with some changes. I'm not sure, but if you ask staff (like Empy over here), you may be able to salvage and reupload the story with permission provided it's been edited to fit the minimal standards. Good luck.