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  • My Neighbours Are Satanists

    So I recently moved into a new house in a nice suburb.

    It's a fine house, it's nice and clean and suits my needs. Everyone is so friendly. Execpt for one.... 

    Next door is this huge old house that treminds me of Kevin's from Home Alone.

    The guy who lives there is creepy and old, never comes out execpt at night

    Anyway, one night, I get home after a long night at work, damn night shift. It's about 3am. I see that the lights are on in my neighbour's house. In fact, every light is on. I can see outlines of people dancing behind the house's curtains. But not normal dancing, like a chant dance. I begen to think there's a cult next door. I walk inside my house. "Odd." I think. I push the thought out of my mind and then pull my Beratta out of its holster on my belt. I place the gun on my nightstand and go to sleep.

    Next day the home is totally dark. 

    I get the night shift at my job, a Denny's, for the next week before I get the day shift. And every day at 3am, there they are, dancing and chanting in the house. I swear I saw a pentagram carved on one of the curtains.

    So the next morning I walk outside. I look for the pentagram, and it's not there. 

    I decide I have to figure this out. 

    So, that night, I grab a pair of binoculars and watch them. A huge pentogram, ringed with candles, sits in the center of the floor. About 20 people dance around it, all wearing strange headdresses. I take photos for evidence. 

    Evidence'I think. of what? that my neighbours are crazy?

    I continue watching. Then, at exactly 4am, they stop, they all take off their masks, stop dancing and run upstairs. 

    I begen to see more and more missing pet posters around the street, mostly small animals. 

    So that night I watch them again. for 20 miniutes it's the same routine: dance dance, chant chant, yada yada. Then they all stop around 3:30. The leader guy with the huge headress says something. A women holding what looks like a baby, maybe 3 months? walks into the pentogram. She places it in the exact center. The leader priest guy lifts up what looks like a huge carving knife. I take photos. UP comes the knife, down comes the knife. I take photos, but close my eyes as I know what just happened.

    I should have called the police. Should have. 

    I watch them over 3 weeks. Sometimes they bring small animals to the pentogram, such as dogs, cats, birds, mice. I hear more reports around the neighbourhood of lost pets. I soon amas a whole book of photos. The next day I decide to take it to the police, but tonight I need more. I watch them. I even hear them speaking. I barley make out "Oh riki, why happi! Sumon thet great Satan!" then the unthinkable happens. One looks out the window and can clearly see me, standing in my second floor room, watching them. He yells something, and two large men walk to my house. I hear the back door opening. 

    Terrified, I grab my Berreta and call the police. But god knows how long it'll take them. I point the Berreta at my door as I hear footsteps. The door opens. Gun fires. one man drops dead. I fire at the other man. 

    10 miniutes later the police arrive, and I give them my evidince. they arrest the nieghbours and find 10 skeletons of grown adults in their basement. I then see an empty space as they're cleaning out the house. A table with my name on it. What If I hadn't fired the gun? where would I be now?

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    • I think this story has a lot of potential. The idea of having something creepy physically close to the narrator is a very good idea that I think you should build on. It might be best if you add a bit onto the story. Develop the neighbors more. Make it longer. Currently you don't have much of a story, but if you did get one this would be really good.

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    • Grammar:

      • treminds > reminds
      • begen > begin
      • Multiple comma splices - ex:("Anyway, one night, I get home after a long night at work, damn night shift") in several sentences.

      Mechanically there's a lot to be fixed. Syntax is faulty, especially with the unnecessary commas. You can't 'carve' a curtain, for example, the pentagram wouldn't even be visible.

      There isn't any meaningful progression, meaning the story goes way too quickly and conveys no serious consequences. Additionally, the '3am witching hour' cliche really does not mesh well with the Satanic angle, it just comes across as a C-list slasher flick plot.

      If you want to stick with the Satanism angle, I suggest watching horror movies based on the premise. It's never as obvious as neighbors chanting weird stuff in the middle of the night: they usually look like normal folks for the most part, but eventually show their weirder/more ominous tendencies. You'll want the horror to be psychological at heart, and not solely based off the infamy associated with Satanism.

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    • Eiusdem wrote:
      I think this story has a lot of potential. The idea of having something creepy physically close to the narrator is a very good idea that I think you should build on. It might be best if you add a bit onto the story. Develop the neighbors more. Make it longer. Currently you don't have much of a story, but if you did get one this would be really good.

      Thanks. I added a lot more to the story.

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    • You should still look at William's suggestions. Also, I'd add.


      The story has nothing grounded in Chicago, so it might be more effective to set it in a generic suburb. That allows the reader to imagine it is close to them and makes it more effective.

      There is no building of tension, gruesome things just happen. This is not frightening on its own you have to work up to it. For instance, your main character can notice a lot of missing pet posters when he first moves into the house.  To have something as gruesome as the murder of a baby you have to earn it, and you do that by having the reader on edge when it happens. If you just throw it out there it feels cheap and insensitive.

      "I begen to think there's a cult next door. I walk inside my house, and go to sleep, not thinking about it. "
      This is contradictory, either he's thinking about it or he's not. It can't be both. If you thought there was a cult next door how can you not? Perhaps change the last part to something like, "I pushed the thought out of my mind" or something.

      The Barretta also comes out of nowhere. If you want the Barretta to matter you should establish that the character has guns much earlier in the story. This also builds tension through foreshadowing.

      Finally, the picture thing doesn't work well here. If there are all these pictures why can't we see them? Is it because the cops took them? You might want to make that clear otherwise it can take readers out of the story.

      Overall this reads more like an outline than a full story.  There is a story in there, but you need to spend some time with it and flesh it out.   Overwrite for the first draft, then widdle it down to something shorter.

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    • OfficerSteve55 wrote:

      Eiusdem wrote:
      I think this story has a lot of potential. The idea of having something creepy physically close to the narrator is a very good idea that I think you should build on. It might be best if you add a bit onto the story. Develop the neighbors more. Make it longer. Currently you don't have much of a story, but if you did get one this would be really good.

      Thanks. I added a lot more to the story.

      Sorry, forgot to clarify: I might recommend movies like House of the Devil (which personally I despised, but some people are into those slow burn/Satanic cult movies). Just as a general idea of what to look for in “urban cult” horror.

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    • Smartyg4 wrote:
      oh no PLEASE EDIT IT SO THE ANIMALS DONT DIE

      In real life I love animals but I have to kill them sadly for the sake of the story.

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    • A FANDOM user
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