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  • Ohoyo Ofi, I don’t even know what a target page is or a url November 16th, 1927 Oklahoma City, Oklahoma 12:39AM

    ”Hey, darling“ The voice was very deep it seemed to go right through the man. “W” ”W” “Where are you?” said the man in a horrified voice. He looked around the room, a tear begins to run down the man’s cheek, this time it was different he always heard the voice in his dreams not in real life. The man runs around his house knowing in the back of his head what would happen next, he grabs a crucifix, he grips it tightly against his chest “Oh that’s cute, a crucifix ain’t gonna stop me” “S” “Sh” ”Show yourself, ”T” Then“ said the man in a demanding tone. ”Your stuttering got better” “Whatever you want” said the voice. The man looked at the creature, his body started to shake, his muscles froze in fear, his mind was nothing but a haze, all the memories of what the creature did to him flooded back to his mind, a mix of anger and terror filled his body. The creature had the head of a Great Dane and the body of a human, it had very large penis, it resembled that of a horse, it sagged all the way down to the floor. ”N” ”N” “No” please“ The man started to cry his breathing became uncontrollable, the creatures penis started to stand up, it soon was all the way up to its chin, a smile starts to form on the creatures face. The man drops the crucifix, the only sound he heard was the loud thump of the crucifix hitting the floor, the man starts to runs towards the front door. The creature begins to run at the man, it’s penis rubbing against its chin in the process, the man struggles to open the front door, the pressure of having to get out the house as fast as possible caused the man’s hands to shake. He opens the door feeling heavy breathing down his neck. when he exits the house, the creature jumps on the man pinning him to the ground.

     The man begins to scream at the top of his lungs alerting the neighbors, the cops soon arrive, all they see is some cracked out man screaming at nothing. “Sir stand up” said one policeman in a stern voice “D” “D” ”D” Don’t you see him!!, don’t you see him!!” The other policeman shook his head side to side and gave the man a sympathetic look. “If you don’t stand up right now we will call other people here to make you stand up” The man’s eyes started to roll to the back of his head, his body starts to shake uncontrollably his head smacking against the pavement, soon foam starts to flow out of his mouth onto his neck. The two policemen run towards the man, picking him up and putting him in the back seat of the police car. They drive to nearest hospital speeding through every red light, “The hospital is far away, should we just dump his ass off somewhere?” “No, I don’t even know why you would say something like that“ Said the second policeman “If he were to die in this car, we would get blamed for it” The second policeman looked at the first one giving him a confused look“ ”Yes, that‘s going to happen to us if he were to die in here”

    November 16th, 1927 1:12AM

    “He is lifeless!!, he has not moved once for at least 5 minutes” Said the second police officer. “We’re almost there” “Did you hear what I just said“ “There was witnesses, There‘s no way we could of got away with doing something like that”. Said the first policeman. The two arrive at the hospital, time seeming to go by very slowly. ”Is he alive” said the first policeman in a sorrowful voice to the doctor. “Yes, but he will most likely have brain damage now, he came to the hospital very late“ “So there‘s still a chance that he will be perfectly fine“ “Yes, that’s probably not going to happen though, but it could. The policeman’s face turned pale as he walked out the room.

    November, 16th, 1927 9:39AM

    “Whats wrong with him” said a unfamiliar voice. “He’s in a coma, he should be dead“ “Is he going to be fine“ said the woman slowly. “I’m not sure about that, I don’t even think he will live through this“ “Are you fucking serious“ “I don’t need to hear no profanity m’am“ “No that’s fucking bullshit, He‘s my sugar daddy!!“ The doctor looked the woman up and down and her gave her a disgusted expression. ”Is anybody else going to visit” “No I don’t think so, his parents never talk to him” “Do you know their phone number?” Said the doctor. The woman grabs a piece of paper and a pen out of her Gucci purse. “Here” She hands a crumbled up piece over to the doctor. “This handwriting is terrible, how am” before he finishes his sentence, the woman walks out the room leaving the doctor alone, the only sound the doctor heard was beeps coming from the heart rate monitor.

    November 16th, 1927 6:29PM

    ”Hey sweetie, you thought I was just gonna leave you?“ “Silence” The creature walks towards the man, he begins to look into the man’s eyes there was no emotion, nothing the man was broken there was nothing left of him he was just a shell of what he was before. “Now, you want to break on me” The man stood up, all the life he had before was completely gone, he was not even staring at the creature. “I want to talk” The man raised his head, looking straight into the creatures eyes” “I know about your situation, you don’t got much time left” ”You can ask whatever question you want” The creature said in a hesitant tone. The man started to move his lips, barley any sound came out, it was only a whisper “W” ”W” ”What are you?” A very large grin forms on the creatures face “I’m a curse” You can ask one more question, nothing else” Said the creature.

     “Why did you do all of those things to me?” The man’s face changes from a lifeless expression to a pained look. ”Oh, you did not stutter that time” the creature said in a surprised tone. “I like you, you aren’t the only person that I visit” “It won’t matter though, you’re life is gonna end soon” The creature disappears. The man is now alone with his thoughts. The man was nearly unfazed by the sight of the creature, seeing the creature is normal now. The man awaited his death. soon enough, he felt his chest tense, he could no longer breath, his lips started to tingle, they soon went numb. All these thoughts going through his head, his life flashing before his eyes. He dies in his coma, his life is over, he was soon forgotten, he becomes just another body in the morgue. eventually he was burned into ashes in the crematory, nobody wanted them, nobody seemed to care. The only person who felt some type of compassion towards him was the doctor. He took his ashes to a place that was near and dear to him, it happened to be a mountain side. he dumped his ashes off the mountain the wind carrying his ashes, spreading them all over.

    Epilogue

    The man’s wife does not live to long, she takes all of the life insurance policy that she got from the dead man, she decides to move to Alaska, 3 months later she was found dead in cold ditch, at the age of 25, nobody knows how she got there or how she died. Her case is still unsolved. The doctor lives to the ripe age of 89, he dies from leukemia. The two cops got fired from their jobs, their secret being revealed to the public, the two were caught having sex in a bathroom, a dumb decision on their parts, that caused them to be chased out of town. The two were never seen again. 

    Other patients in mental hospitals in the Oklahoma City region, report of being sexually harassed or sexually violated by a humanoid creature with the head of a Great Dane, all of the patients being males of any race between the ages of 20 and 45, the strange thing being that every person who reports being raped by the creature has a large stretched out anus, some patients are found dead on there room floor, autopsy‘s were done on these people, they all have one thing in common, the 18 people all died from internal bleeding. Cause is unknown, the only thing that was known was the screaming of the patients as they died slowly. The woman who called the policemen became a prostitute after her husband left her and took the kids, she had a alcohol addition for most of her life, she died at the age 58 from a serious case of syphilis. her body was burned in a crematory. her husband kept her ashes, her death is now a lesson to his children not to be like there mother.

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    • Alright so, where to begin.

      Mechanical issues

      - Spelling: to >> too

      - In SOURCE MODE at the top, remove the (' ' ') bold format.

      - Punctuation: you end EACH sentence or thought with a period, comma or exclamation/question mark

      - All dialogue within a statement is put between the " " marks, don't create extra quotation marks for individual exclamations/stutters in the statement. Additionally, you're supposed to end each dialogue statement with a subject, (example): "W-who are you," demanded the man. "I am a monster," said the voice.

      - You create multiple run-ons by not ending sentences with periods, or at least putting commas between connected thoughts (<like this one). Don't string together sentences, like this, because its jarring and, hard to read.

      Tonal and Story issues

      Due to the issues mentioned above, characters speak as if they are robots/children. This is a common issue and results from improper usage of punctuation or unrealistic/improper dialogue. For example, the narrator shouldn't be saying things like 'cracked out', its improper and does not lend itself well the to setting.

      Additionally, the scare starts near IMMEDIATELY, leaving no build up. We instantly know what the monster is, there's no mystery to it. In fact the story flows in reverse where pretty much nothing happens towards the end.

      The biggest flaw here is that the scariness is out of place and arbitrary: rape is a very sensitive topic that requires a thorough understanding of to be utilized effectively. Here it comes across as crass and useful only as a brute-force option ("Rape is scary right? Then this guy and a bunch of other guys get raped") for no reason.

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    • I'd suggest looking over my feedback as you're over-looking a lot of issues I pointed out like:

      Not properly spacing out dialogue.

      Not properly using apostrophes for contractions and possessive words.

      Failing to use punctuation properly in dialogue.

      Issues with quotations (you have a tendency to try and .

      Improperly capitalizing dialogue tags.

      Awkward wording (i.e. wording that sounds unnatural, unpolished, and stilted).

      Run-on sentences.

      Spelling issues.

      And the plot issues I listed in the link (bland description, pacing issues, the issues Will listed above). I suggest putting a lot more work into revising this as a majority of these issues are recurring. Have a good one.

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    • Like the others have said, the text is bolded, you should start a new paragraph when somebody speaks and when changing speakers, there are run on sentences, there are homophone issues ("wife does not live to long" instead of "wife does not live too long", "there mother" instead of "their mother"), there is no punctuation in dialogue, there is no build-up, there is awkward wording, and most of the dialogue sounds odd.

      Whenever the main character stutters you put the letter he says in separate quotation marks instead of using the traditional dash (i.e. "D" "D" "D" instead of "D-d-d-Don't you see him!!").

      The story takes place in 1927, but yet for some reason it is told in present tense (i.e. "he grabs a crucifix" instead of "he grabbed a crucifix"). And the concept of a sugar daddy/sugar baby relationship didn't exist back then. The closest thing you would have is a "kept woman" which would have been frowned upon in those times, so she most likely wouldn't just outright admit it. It is also questionable how they have a heart rate monitor, a machine that would not yet exist. I would also like to mention that the police would have been arrested as "sodomy" was still illegal in the 1920s.

      This might just be a minor nitpick, but the story opens with the cliche of a monster not being afraid of a crucifix.

      The monster himself is not scary. The whole scene with the monster's penis makes the entire story look like a joke. When he gets to the hospital he has a friendly conversation with his victim. If his penis isn't enough to make him non threatening, this certainly would.

      This might just be another gripe, but the epilogue a little bit seems pointless, seeing as the action already passed and the fact that it doesn't tell us anything about the monster.

      This has already been brought up, but rape is a sensitive topic and it is both cheap and disgusting that you are using it as a way to shock readers.

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    • Honestly, the demon/thing is pretty cool, I'd say. It really harckons on older visuals of hellspawns, which were really uncomfortable and somewhat meme-ish (probably on purpose, to be ridiculed). 

      The rest however, is as aforementioned, not great. 

      Rape isn't scary here, it's just cheap. 

      The story jumps from place to place, and it's hard to invest or even follow the whole thing. 

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    • I'm still keeping the rape, it's not there for shock it don't just come out of no where, it's there because that's what the creature likes to do. The story in my eyes is not suppose to be scary it's supposed to be disturbing. To all the people that say that the rape in the story was tasteless.

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    • Dildoprincess198 wrote:
      I'm still keeping the rape, it's not there for shock it don't just come out of no where, it's there because that's what the creature likes to do. The story in my eyes is not suppose to be scary it's supposed to be disturbing. To all the people that say that the rape in the story was tasteless.

      The problem with that is that the rape isn't disturbing at all, it's just plain tasteless. Even if it isn't meant to be scary, you're only using it as a cheap way disturb/shock the reader, which, quite frankly and no offense, fails completely.

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    • How would I fix that are you able to give examples or I have to find that out on my own 

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    • For the heart rate monitor issue I would put a pulse watch instead 

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    • Dildoprincess198 wrote:
      How would I fix that are you able to give examples or I have to find that out on my own 

      Per your question: The man's wife does not live to long >> The man's wife did not live too long.

      And honestly, just having build-up is half of the issue here. The whole rape thing would be easier to approach if there was a set up to the whole thing but like I said, the creature just arbitrarily decides to torture the guy. Even for a demon, there has to be a motive or origin to it, a stolen artifact, a life of sin summoned it, whatever. If your creature isn’t literally just the incarnation of evil and chaos, it needs a ‘’modus operandi’’, a mode of function.

      In general I’m not adverse to sexual horror but the idea itself is really clunky and feels like what a kid’s idea of horror is: lots of cussing and sexual energy and general grossness.

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    • Could it work though 

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    • I don't think the cussing is to much of a issue only one character cusses 

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    • Dildoprincess198 wrote:
      I don't think the cussing is to much of a issue only one character cusses 

      I'm sorry, but you're clearly not getting it.  Your story does not work and will not work in its current form.  You absolutely must read more creepypastas before you try to write or rewrite a story.  And you must read critically.  This means you must be able to look at a story and say: "what makes this work?  What makes this good?"  Until you can do that, you will have a very difficult time creating a story of your own.

      And you need to be open to criticism.  At this point, multiple people have told you your story doesn't work.  I understand that this is hard to hear, but you shouldn't just ignore it if you want to improve.  It's clear that the only reason to undertook this whole process was because you wanted validation that your story is good enough to be on the wiki.  That validation is not coming because, simply put, your story is just not strong enough.  Please accept this and understand that you must work on your skills before you can create a strong piece of writing.  If it's something you really want, you'll be willing to work for it.

      I sincerely wish you the best of luck, and I really hope you don't give up.  Receiving criticism is hard, and opening yourself up to it is extremely brave, but it is one of the most necessary parts of being a writer.  Not every story you write is going to work.  This is true for everyone.  Every story that doesn't work should be seen as an opportunity to learn and grow.

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    • I know this that's why I'm asking that's why this is on the workshop can you help 

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    • Dildoprincess198 wrote:
      I know this that's why I'm asking that's why this is on the workshop can you help 

      This IS how we're helping.  We keep giving you answers, but they're going over your head because they're not the answers you want.  There is nothing mysterious about any of the previous comments.  They have all been very clear about how you can improve your writing.  What else are you looking for?

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    • I'm looking for a clear simple answer that I understand 

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    • Dildoprincess198 wrote:
      I'm looking for a clear simple answer that I understand 

      What are you not understanding about the previous answers you've received?

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    • They tell me to fix things they don't explain how I would fix the issues I had them to ask them I want to get more information so I can fix the story 

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    • ”Hey, darling[1]“ The voice was very deep it seemed to go right through the man. “W” ”W” [2] “Where are you?” said the man in a horrified voice. He looked around the room, a tear begins [3] to run down the man’s cheek, [4] this time it was different he always heard the voice in his dreams not in real life. The man runs around his house knowing in the back of his head what would happen next, he grabs a crucifix, he grips it tightly against his chest [5] “Oh that’s cute, a crucifix ain’t gonna stop me” “S” “Sh” ”Show yourself, ”T” Then“ said the man in a demanding tone. ”Your stuttering got better” “Whatever you want” said the voice.

      -

      [1] Speech always ends with either a comma or a full-stop or a question mark or an exclamation point BEFORE the final speech marks.

      [2] To convey a stutter you use dashes or ellipses (three full-stops followed by a space). Instead of “W” “W” “Where are you?” It should be “W-w-where are you?”

      [3] Tense swap – tenses describe when the action occurs (past or present). Stories need to be written in logical order and tenses need to reflect that. It’s a bad idea to change tenses within a story. It’s even worse to swap them within a sentence.

      He LOOKED (past tense) around the room, a tear BEGINS (present tense) to run down the man’s cheek.

      [4] Sentences are made up of at least one INDEPENDENT CLAUSE. Independent clauses are made of the following: subject (thing) + verb (action) + object (optional thing).

      Mary (subject) walks (action) her dog (object).

      To combine multiple clauses we use punctuation. Dependent clauses (incomplete sentences without a subject) can be combined with independent clauses (complete sentence with a subject) using commas. Commas can NOT be used to combine two independent clauses. Doing so creates a “run-on sentence”, a common feature of what’s called “awkward wording” because to an unfamiliar reader (i.e everyone except you) the sentence will seem paced weirdly and will read in a weird, annoying manner. Just to reiterate:

      Bob walked down the street. He waved to Jim. -> CORRECT

      Bob walked down the street, he waved to Jim. -> INCORRECT

      The example sentence I highlighted in your first paragraph is a run-on sentence. Your story has many, many, many more.

      [5] New speaker New Line. Every time a different person speaks you put it on a new line. Otherwise people can’t keep track of who says what. Dialogue is also always initiated after a bit of punctuation, either a comma, a full stop, or a colon.

      Further issues – You make little to no effort to create descriptive, atmospheric, or moody language. You state what happens with no interesting word choice. Creative word choice is the bread-and-butter of writing. It’s what distinguishes a forum post from an actual horror story. Descriptive writing is defined by the words that evoke emotions, images, and ideas. Rather than just stating that a “demon with the head of a great Dane” one might try to show the reader what the man sees and feels when he looks at it. Words like bestial, savage, canine, aggressive, violent, grotesque, warped, demonic, etc. are all words that might come to mind.

      My advice is focus on writing a short ~250 word exercise where you describe the demon. Use imaginative, original word choices. Bring in the surrounding scenery if you feel like it. There's no point even stressing about the plot when you need to work on this basic skill. 

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    • Dildoprincess198 wrote:
      They tell me to fix things they don't explain how I would fix the issues I had them to ask them I want to get more information so I can fix the story 

      They have explained how to fix the grammar issues.  All of the comments above contain very detailed instructions about how to use punctuation and create proper sentences.  This is something you need to work at.  You could have the best story in the world, but if your execution is poor, you're sunk.  If that's not clear, then I don't know what to tell you.

      That is an entirely surface-level issue, however.  Your story's problems go beyond it.  Simply put, your story cannot be improved in its current form.  You must completely restructure and rewrite it.  When you go to rewrite it, or create a new story, try using a basic plot structure:

      • - Rising action: this is the beginning of your story.  In this part, set the scene, introduce the scenario and the characters.  The protagonist should have a problem they need to solve, and they should take steps to solve it, with something getting in their way.
      • - Climax: this is the highest point of drama in your story.  This is the face-off between the protagonist and whatever is standing between him/her and his/her goal.  The protagonist should win or lose.
      • - Falling action: this is the aftermath of the climax.  What has happened as a result of the protagonist's victory or loss?

      It's true that not every story follows this arc, but you have to master these rules before you can break them.  Try reenvisioning your story using the plot structure above.  You will definitely need to change some things in order to do it.  What those things are cannot be fed to you.  You have to find out for yourself and be willing to experiment and work.

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    • The creature looked rabid. Foam trickled down it's mouth it looked straight into the man's eyes, every second it's mouth slowly opening more and more. It's teeth were the only thing thing the man saw. The creature had the head of a Great Dane and the body of a human male. Is this better 

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    • Dildoprincess198 wrote:
      Foam trickled down it's mouth it looked straight into the man's eyes, every second it's mouth slowly opening more and more. 

      Do you see how you wrote this as all one sentence?  That shouldn't be.  Review what the others have told you about sentence structure and decide where you need to split this sentence up.

      Yes, it was a bit better, but you need to be realistic.  Your story's problems and, frankly, your problems as a writer in general are extensive.  You're not going to simply be able to fix up this story in one go and make it suitable for the wiki.  If writing is something you're really serious about, you need to spend a lot more time writing your story.  I mean hours and hours.  Days or weeks would be better.  That's the amount of time and effort a good story requires.  If you're not willing or able to put in that amount of focus and work, then you shouldn't be writing.

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    • What do you mean there are periods throughout the sentence how would I fix this issue if that's bad 

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    • Dildoprincess198 wrote:
      What do you mean there are periods throughout the sentence how would I fix this issue if that's bad 

      This is the sentence I was talking about:

      "Foam trickled down it's mouth it looked straight into the man's eyes, every second it's mouth slowly opening more and more." 

      This should not be one sentence.  It needs to be split up.  You will learn more if you look at what others have said about the rules of sentence structure and split it up yourself.

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    • So no coma between eyes and every 

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    • It should have periods.  It should be more than one sentence.  I'm not trying to be rude, but it sounds like you're not clear on what the word "sentence" means.

      A sentence is usually comprised of a single main clause that has a subject and a predicate.  The subject is the noun on which the sentence is focused.  The predicate begins with a verb and tells us what the subject if doing or experiencing.  To be complete, a single sentence must begin with a capital letter and end with a period.  Let's break down what you wrote:

      "Foam" is a subject.  The predicate begins with "trickled."  Taking this subject and predicate together, you get: "Foam trickled down it's mouth."  This is where that clause ends.  Because of this, your sentence should end here with a period.  What comes next should be a new sentence.

      Here is the rest of what you wrote:

      "it looked straight into the man's eyes, every second it's mouth slowly opening more and more."

      There is enough material here for two complete sentences.  Using what we've discussed about subjects and predicates, which words comprise each clause?  What does this tell you about where the period goes and what should be capitalized?

      This is fundamental stuff.  You need to have a strong grasp of it before you can even think of writing.  I strongly suggest looking into some online grammar and sentence structure resources.  They will really help you get a firm understanding of basic English mechanics.

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