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  • Jimmy was playing with terrible forces, figured out the truth and what was behind the wolf in sheep clothing. he walked around and found the place deserted. nothing around but him. and tHeM he tried hide in the library but it was boarded off (His height is 10 studs.) he couldnt get through the board because of it. he saw them in the corridor you teleport (to be changed) in. He was trapped in their too. you are essentially following his story. he called you in the phonebooth you teleport from. the last thing he said in the call before you fall into it and before it cuts off is " they are getting closer" then the call ends, and you fall. the monsters heard you on the other line. and brought you in you did what jimmy did you hid in the pb what he meant by they were coming closer was they were "glitching" closer to the phone booth which is what happens to you before you die. the same way he did later the loop repeats over and over again. tearing you and you're family apart. from eachother. they try to find you like you tried to (the monsters trapped you n all but still) You're family meets the same fate. the paradise you once knew. gone. you know the truth. your family does* until you're all gone. that was their plan. everything else was blocked expect for the booth they knew i theyhe wanted help. "they" added the "reality" phone number and lured you and others in.

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    • For the record, a draft is only “reviewed” if someone here actually reviews it. It will be once I’m done reading, just for future reference...

      This is...a very tangled knot of ideas thats hard to critique in it’s entirety. First of all, everything is a massive wall of text.

      • There are numerous typos (“their” when you mean “there”), uncapitalized words and misused punctuation.

      • There are many run ons, comma splices and improper pronoun usage (who is “they?”)

      • The story isn’t a story, or even an idea really. It’s just a lot of description of poorly-executed actions or thoughts and none of the seem to really mesh or be relevant to each other.

      If you want your draft to be properly reviewed, please put out a finished work. Make sure to check your grammar and spelling as well because these things are kind of basic and shouldn’t be the major focus of fixing drafts.

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    • William See wrote:
      For the record, a draft is only “reviewed” if someone here actually reviews it. It will be once I’m done reading, just for future reference...

      This is...a very tangled knot of ideas thats hard to critique in it’s entirety. First of all, everything is a massive wall of text.

      • There are numerous typos (“their” when you mean “there”), uncapitalized words and misused punctuation.

      • There are many run ons, comma splices and improper pronoun usage (who is “they?”)

      • The story isn’t a story, or even an idea really. It’s just a lot of description of poorly-executed actions or thoughts and none of the seem to really mesh or be relevant to each other.

      If you want your draft to be properly reviewed, please put out a finished work. Make sure to check your grammar and spelling as well because these things are kind of basic and shouldn’t be the major focus of fixing drafts.

      Ok, thank you. I'm not that good with grammar. when I read this old idea i had in my files i already knew it had alot of parts missing and that most of it is just unkown gibberish (ik i spelt unkown wrong). I havent even told who you are and who jimmy is and how this happens. its a story i made a while ago when i learned about slenderman, and therefore i wanted to make a creepypasta. I just copy and pasted it knowing that there is alot of mistakes i cant find. do you think it would have potential if put together correctly? (i cant be bothered to fix my i's on comments.) also the rules said put unreviewed if it has enough critique to be made. so i put reviewed. (that was stupid) 

      Edit: so i remember fixing every missing spaces and typos but apparently when i went back and copy and pasted it i thought it was all good. (there were some story changes i made that i forgot to fix when i made it) i also know so cant start a setence. (did i spell that wrong?) and yes i also know this is gonna be a run-on sentence (and you're not supposed to write gonna in a sentence) I also saw you said you cant even review it but please at least help a little with it please? P.S i also see alot of your comments on other writer workshop posts and they are great good job helping.

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    • Tencta wrote:
      William See wrote:
      Snip
      Ok, thank you. I'm not that good with grammar. when I read this old idea i had in my files i already knew it had alot of parts missing and that most of it is just unkown gibberish (ik i spelt unkown wrong). I havent even told who you are and who jimmy is and how this happens. its a story i made a while ago when i learned about slenderman, and therefore i wanted to make a creepypasta. I just copy and pasted it knowing that there is alot of mistakes i cant find. do you think it would have potential if put together correctly? (i cant be bothered to fix my i's on comments.) also the rules said put unreviewed if it has enough critique to be made. so i put reviewed. (that was stupid) 

      Edit: so i remember fixing every missing spaces and typos but apparently when i went back and copy and pasted it i thought it was all good. (there were some story changes i made that i forgot to fix when i made it) i also know so cant start a setence. (did i spell that wrong?) and yes i also know this is gonna be a run-on sentence (and you're not supposed to write gonna in a sentence) I also saw you said you cant even review it but please at least help a little with it please? P.S i also see alot of your comments on other writer workshop posts and they are great good job helping.

      I know I said I can't review it *entirely*, but this can be part of it. Or at least, I can review the way you currently write as part of helping you.

      Take a look at how I write my sentences: proper punctuation, capitalization and concise (detailed but short) sentences. Writing in general is about getting forth your idea in the most effective way possible, without cramming ideas into each other. If that makes sense. I know it can be frustrating proof reading your work, especially the further along you get, so it's important to iron out the wrinkles early on so you're not stuck combing through and finding errors later.

      One site you can use to proofread for you is http://www.Grammarly.com, I believe it can find most if not all typos or weird grammar present. Also, I personally write my drafts in Google Docs: it has an autocorrect function that sometimes removes awkward syntax (the way words are organized in a sentence).

      >For example: I heard a scream from my mother that there was a weird noise outside, causing me to run to her very fast. >Better version: I sprinted towards my mother after I heard her scream. She said she heard a weird noise in the front yard.

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