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  • When I was 11 years old, I couldn’t sleep at night, I wouldn’t get to sleep until gone 3 AM, but it wasn’t general childhood Insomnia. It was something else, something was at my window at night. 



    It all started one night, I was about to go to sleep until I noticed something out of the corner of my eye, a ghoul-like figure, towering with hands covered in blood, I roared bloody murder as loud as I could. My dad came in, the figure had gone, I mumbled to him, that I’d seen a figure and I tried to describe it as much as I could at the time, I was crying, I was scared beyond belief. My dad noticed how real this felt to me and let me sleep in his bed for this night only. He simply thought like many others, that this was a horrendous nightmare which I had just woke up from without realising was over and thought that tonight was a one-off and wouldn’t happen again. Boy was he wrong.



    Night after night for six days straight, I saw the figure, glaring at me and tapping the glass silently. The same thing would happen every night, the figure would appear, I would scream at the top of my lungs, my dad would come in and let me sleep in his room again and again. Until my dad got fed up with all of this and phoned the local hospitals' Child Psychologist, Mr Leary, who recommended that I take a pill every night, that would help with the ‘dreams’.



    I took the pills, it didn’t help, if anything it made it worse. Then my dad decided that he would stay up all night and watch the window while I slept, nothing would happen until about midnight when the figure teleported to the window it would glare and flick on the glass, my dad was even more scared than I was. He phoned the police, the figure disappeared long before they arrived. 

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    • Awkward wording: "I wouldn’t get to sleep until gone 3 AM, but it wasn’t general childhood Insomnia.", "He simply thought like many others, that this was a horrendous nightmare which I had just woke up from without realising was over (sic) and thought that tonight was a one-off and wouldn’t happen again.", etc.

      Run-on sentences: "It all started one night, I was about to go to sleep until I noticed something out of the corner of my eye, a ghoul-like figure, towering with hands covered in blood, I roared bloody murder as loud as I could.", " Then my dad decided that he would stay up all night and watch the window while I slept, nothing would happen until about midnight when the figure teleported to the window it would glare and flick on the glass, my dad was even more scared than I was.", etc.

      Other issues I noted: Redundancies: "I’d observed a figure and then tried to describe the figure as much as I could at the time." Capitalization errors: "I wouldn’t get to sleep until gone 3 AM, but it wasn’t general childhood Insomnia." Insomnia would only be capitalized if referring to a specific form of insomnia.

      Descriptive issues: Your story could benefit from being more descriptive and explaining inconsistencies. A few examples are: "a ghoul-like figure, towering with hands covered in blood" (This is a pretty generic description and doesn't really paint too much of an image.), "It didn’t help, if anything it made it worse." (How did the medication make things worse? Telling the audience it did and not providing an explanation makes it seem like a throwaway line.). I would cite more examples, but that's really a majority of things you chose to describe in the story (hence my comment above).

      The story itself really doesn't have much in way of progression and sticks to a lot of the tropes of these types of stories. A creature appears and taps on the glass, the parents don't believe them until they eventually see it, and then the story ends. ("He phoned the police, the figure disappeared long before they arrived.") There really isn't any effectiveness to telling a story without resolution or insight into how this has impacted the protagonist. It ends up making the story feel bland and cookie-cutter.

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    • A FANDOM user
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