I don’t really know how to start this, but I just wanted to share a paranormal experience of mine. So... here goes nothing...
It was late at night in the early months of 2019. Something... unusual happened. I started to feel as if I were being watched. Like someone or something was stalking my every move. But it wasn’t that normal ‘being watched’ feeling. It was hollow, cold and worst of all; it felt normal.
I’ve always been a lonely person. I’ve never had many friends or much family that cares, so I’m used to spending my time in my bedroom. I’m the definition of introverted and not many people like me, but I guess it’s okay. I’m not really bothered when people ignore my existence, I prefer it that way.
Anyway, on with the story...
Every night from around February to as late as July, something was creeping quietly around my room. It’s movements were like a mangled, hairless dog that got hit by a car. It moved around on all fours and shuffled awkwardly on the wood floors. It looked extremely thin and on the verge of death. But I could still tell, somehow, a human couldn’t kill it. At least, not with a knife, hands, and looked like it could even take a bullet. This... creature, this... whatever it is... wasn’t natural. And most certainly not human. It’s smarter, stronger and a whole lot faster.
These details are already making the hair on my neck stand on end, but it’s face... it still haunts me... it told me something every night, but I could never make out what it was saying. But it’s eyes looked empty, dead and almost depressed. They looked hypnotic. Like I was drowning in those dark, cold, devastating eyes. It was like I was falling into a pitch black hole with no bottom. It was hard to break free from it’s stare. I got nervous and broke into a cold sweat and icy tears began to stream down my paralysed face. I couldn’t move. I wasn’t allowed to move. All I could do was move my eyes. Even then, I hardly blinked. I was scared that if I look away, I might slip away and never come back from the bleak world I hallucinated.
Every minute I stared, I felt more and more dead inside. But I was still scared. It’s mouth was filled with a row on each jaw, of pointed teeth. It didn’t really have many other features... but something that scared me as equally as it’s eyes: was the fact that it had an oozing, thick layer of crimson blood flowing gently from its mouth and what looked like large, very oversized nails. They were like claws, capable of tearing flesh, like knives on the end of each finger. It wore fresh blood all over it’s body every night. But when the sun came up the next morning, it was like someone came and cleaned the floor where the monster stood, that or it never dropped. It would glare at me for so many sleepless nights. It was a seemingly endless nightmare. No matter what I did, all I could do was wait until it hurried out of my room, only to return the next night. By August 2019, the monster stopped coming. But the stalking feeling is always there... sitting patiently at the back of my mind waiting to play with my emotions. Even at this very second, something is watching me, but it feels blank... this stalker... is close, but somehow, distant. Lonely. My heart sinks lower and lower to my stomach as I think more about this. I can’t talk about this anymore.
All those reading this... plant your hope deep within, and pray that this creature does not find you.
1.) It's very clichéd, especially the 'it all started when I felt like someone was watching me' aspect, as well as the 'I'm so lonely and have no one to reach out to" part, too. What we have here is really just another fruitless monster story with no narrative. Just having a description of the monster and its strange powers isn't enough, there needs to be an actual story for this to work, otherwise it comes across as just another weird OC in a sea of hundreds (if you are telling this creature as an OC, which you can't, because OCs are banned).
2.) It seems unreasonable how much the main character knows about this monster. I would say it'd be better if you frame it as a slow discovery: you have a lot of ideas in terms of the nature of the creature, so maybe it'd be better if the MC was to slowly find out all these things as time passed with the creature still haunting them. However you choose to do it, giving us a big block of text loaded with descriptions is not the way to go about it.
I think if you broke away from some of the more blatant tropes this would have a chance at working, though it needs some serious polish.
Also, one last thing:
"But it wasn’t that normal ‘being watched’ feeling."
>literally the next sentence:
"It was hollow, cold and worst of all; it felt normal."
This story has a bunch of problems, unfortunately. Cornconic makes some very good points, but I would like to add to them by pointing out a few other things.
First, the character's attitudes and self-perception are very cringy. Even if it's not, it reads like a teenage author self-insert, and that is only going to distract the reader from the main story. It is also notable that the main character could literally be anybody. His/her/their personality or natural inclincations end up having no bearing on the plot of the story or the monster.
Secondly, this draft is way too focused on voice and not enough attention is given to the story. It's fine to want to write like other authors, but you can't let yourself get so wrapped up in your turns of phrase that the story suffers. Write the story first. Make sure it's solid. Then, when you go back over it, you can worry about word choice and style.
Finally, there are a lot of punctuation errors in this piece. Please, please, please review how semicolons and colons should be used before you even think of including them in your next story. These punctuation marks are by no means necessary, as whatever they are being used to do can be done in a number of other ways. There is no good reason to use them if you're not absolutely sure how.
I hope this wash helpful. Please keep writing and improving. Criticism is a good thing because it helps us grow. Thanks for sharing your work, and I look forward to seeing what you come up with next.
This story abuses the hell out of ellipsis. Not only are they unnecessary within narration, but they are also overused (14 times by my count).
For no reason at all the main character suddenly feels as if he is being watched, making us wonder why the monster chose to stalk him of all people.
Ironically we are given too much detail about unimportant things like how introverted the main character is, and more detail than necessary about the creature. We are never really told how the main character reacts, or if he does anything about this monster.
In all honesty, this creature sounds like a knock-off of the Rake, not just in physical appearance, but also by the way it watches people sleep. He isn't even that threatening either, he just shows up for no reason, paralyzes the main character, and stares at him.
Okay look, I know I have all sorts of problems with the story, but at least be kinder about it. No one needs criticism. If anything, it causes people to do worse. If you're positive, that makes the author positive. Again, I'm sorry this wasn't up to your standards, but this is an actual experience. It scared the living hell out of me. I still feel shivers run down my spine thinking about it. I'm shaking as I type. But please, I'm being genuine here, please be kinder when you're telling the author about their mistakes. I didn't come here to be put down. I came because I thought everyone here was better than my real life. I'm sorry...
Uh, yes, everyone needs and deserves criticism, especially if they're trying to be a writer and improve. Criticism is a gift. If you can't see it that way, you shouldn't be writing and certainly shouldn't be posting your work online.
Real experience or not, you posted this to the Writer's Workshop. The Writer's Workshop's literal purpose is to elicit feeback on your work. That feedback is not always going to feel good, especially if you're an inexperienced writer. If what you wanted was unadulterated praise or a chorus of "wows," you should have looked elsewhere.
Also, even if this was a real experience, that doesn't lower the bar as far as the quality of standards on this site. Every story, regardless of its basis, has to meet at least the bare minimum for quality standards.
Now that we've gotten that out of the way, exactly no one who's replied to this thread so far has spoken abusively toward you. Telling you your writing needs to get better is not personal. If you choose to take it that way, that's on you. It's your choice whether you decide to take all of the criticism you've recieved and use it to learn and grow, or to see it in a negative light.
Honing an artistic craft is tough. It's the nature of the beast. You can let it eat you or make you stronger.
Thanks for nothing. I don't know why people beleive in criticism. And I'm not trying to lower the bar for myself. So stop telling me that's what it is. I don't need this. I don't need anyone. Do me a favour and pretend I don't exist. Forget this stupid argument and forget me and my story. Sometimes it's better to be forgotten. I don't see any point in this, but I can promise you that you'll never hear from stupid, idiot, worthless me again! Goodbye forever.
First of all, learn to take criticism. No author, and no story have ever been exempt from criticism. If you don't want your story to be criticized, then you should think twice before posting it on a public website. We aren't criticizing your story to be mean, we are trying to give you tips so that your story doesn't get deleted. Learn to use criticism as a tool to improve. Just because you asked for positive feedback only, doesn't mean you're going to get it. In fact, you shouldn't want positive only, you should want your mistakes pointed out so you can avoid them in the future.
Like Jdeschene said, no one is abusing you. We are giving you actual feedback. If we WERE abusing you, we would be giving impolite, unconstructive criticism like "Your story sucks" and other bad things. If we didn't want to help you improve as an author, we would tell you your story is flawless and allow you to post it, knowing it would get deleted.
No offense or anything, but the only person here being misconductful is you. You received honest criticism, and got angry over it.
I'm also going to ask you to be careful with your claim that this actually happened, as it obviously didn't and by saying it did, it sounds like you are breaking the no roleplaying rule (I hope it doesn't sound like I'm mini-modding here, or anything.)
FreakShow26 wrote: Thanks for nothing. I don't know why people beleive in criticism. And I'm not trying to lower the bar for myself. So stop telling me that's what it is. I don't need this. I don't need anyone. Do me a favour and pretend I don't exist. Forget this stupid argument and forget me and my story. Sometimes it's better to be forgotten. I don't see any point in this, but I can promise you that you'll never hear from stupid, idiot, worthless me again! Goodbye forever.
You are clearly very young and not mature enough to post on this site as of yet. If you ever decide to work toward changing that, you know where to find us. Best of luck.