It was about 10 PM, and my friend Jack turned 21, so we decided to go to a bar a few miles out of town. This girl walked up to us and was flirting for free drinks. Jack didn't know this and just said that he was almost out of money. I knew that she was flirting. The girl introduced herself as Candace. During her introduction, some eerie background music played in the bar. I clenched my muscles since it started to get to me. Jack didn't care and dismissed it. Candace did the same, and since she was getting bored, she ordered a few shots for us. Jack immediately took them, and I chuckled. It was now 10:58, as I read on the clock behind me. Since Jack was most likely drunk, I tugged his shirt and said we should leave. Candace chuckled and agreed. I set down my drink, and we headed out.
I asked Jack if he was feeling well since this was the first time he drank. He was very much out of it, so he could barely speak. I chuckled and Candace said that we should get in her car. I asked her why, since I thought I was sober enough to drive. She ignored the question like I never answered it. Jack said he wasn't feeling well at all and I told him to get a taxi to his house. Jack said he was okay with it and he did. Candace offered to take me to her house and since she didn't drink much, and while driving she said if I wanted to grab a little more liquor at the drug shop. I didn't want to, but I didn't want to be lame in front of her. So I said yes, and she came back with much more. I didn't want to be lame in front of her so I drank a little however I did find a small empty bottle that I could spit out the liquor behind the liquor bottle in the bag. I threw out the bottle full of liquor and pretended that I was drunk.
We arrived at her house, and I pretended to trip as if I could barely walk. When we arrived at the house, something felt...off, like something was lurking. She locked the door, but I didn't think too much of it. I walked into the bathroom to sober up and make myself vomit and drink some tap water. I flushed the toilet and went back into her main room. There, she was standing in this dark room. I noticed it, and I could only see her backside. I said I needed to go to the bathroom again and she turned just saying that she wanted me to hurry up. She turned, and it was a different face. Inside I freaked out, but I tried pretending that I didn't notice it. I locked the door and tried thinking, what the girl was saying to...someone? I was honestly confused. I heard a door open and a male-like voice saying, "the boy...is flaking". I knew something was up, and I needed to get out of there. I saw a bathroom window and tried to open it up and escape. Since the window was loud, Candace or the other lady heard me and tried busting the door. I ran as fast as I could to the nearest shop. It wasn't too far, but I could hear a car behind me. I luckily got away from her and called a taxi to get out of there. Something just felt strange. Strange. That's the keyword here. I texted Jack that we weren't going to that bar every again. I logged off of social media for a month. I tried thinking about what happened that night. Why did she try getting me to drink so much? Why was there another lady with a wig? And what was in that dark room behind her?
Well, you gotta decide where this is John or Jack, or at least mention in the story that it's the same person.
Also, your English as a whole is somewhat all over the place, the tenses are wrong. What should be in the past in the present and the whole thing from a mechanical perspective feels broken. Try reading it out loud just to feel if it rolls right on your tongue.
The plot itself is also kind of childish. 1AM isn't that late, even minors stay up later to play video games or whatever, let alone 20+ year olds. The idea of a girl getting two guys drunk to somehow harm them is plausible, heck it's happened before (without the alcohol). It's a nice plotline. The execution is bad however, you need to make it seem actually scary - I know it isn't scary for you as it isn't scary for me. The narrator being sharp even though he admits he had drunk quite a bit is out of place. He's supposed to be drunk. The girl being a lone operator seems kind of off. Get her to drive them somewhere where her buddies await to actually hurt/kill the guys.
Work on the details.
Every detail matters.
Details make a story, you know? The more you put into it, the better. Don't over do it though, leave some things to the imagination. In your case there's just not enough.
In this instance, it's better if your heroes don't make it, or one of them doesn't, or they both end up legitimately somehow hurt on an emotional, or physical level. They just had a bad try with alcohol and decided to stop drinking, that's a little too happy for this genre. You can have a "happy ending" creepypasta, but I think you weren't aiming for that.
Don't rush to write it as fast as you can, take your time, think about the stuff and try to imply things that would scare you into the story. It makes it that much more believable.
Alright. Thanks. What I meant to say above was that I meant to say in the beginning John was supposed to be Jack, but I forgot to edit it and change the name to Jack.
I tried to make it seem like they were emotionally damaged, for instance Jack was scarred to go to a bar due to that odd girl. And I do agree that I was trying to get this done since it was late (at least for me), and I wanted to get it done as fast as possible. And I didn't really bother proof-reading or re-reading it.
Looks like I'm gonna beef the story up a little and make the execution much better. Thanks for the feedback, BloodySpghetti.
@BloodySpghetti I recently edited the story, actually, I decided to change the plot overall. I wanted to follow a semi-scary vibe to it, but not scary completely for a moment, just "strange". Hopefully I did much better on this one. I proof-read twice and used Grammarly just in case. Enjoy! Another thanks for the feedback.
TL;DR: 1. Overhauled the story, expanded the conclusion and made it a bit more "mysterious" and left it for the readers.
2. John is Jack
3. Instead I made one character the victim for a supposed "kidnapping" of the lady.
4. Attempted to make it a tight little less realistic.
5. Attempted to make the story at least engaging and fun to read
First paragraph: I think you could do without the 'meticulously' at the end there, the protagonist didn't seem that drunk yet. Just a small tonal nitpick.
Not sure how I feel about this one. It's pretty barebones at the moment and I feel the lack of dialogue leaves any potential creepiness dead in the dust. The part at the beginning about the music being vaguely unsettling could use a rework, perhaps integrating some form of social anxiety into the narrator's characterization to make the reader feel their struggle, be in his shoes. Afterall, some music is creepy to people, but there's a reason for it, a memory or sensation perhaps linked to it.
I definitely like the imagery of this Not Candace standing in a dark room, but it doesn't really imply much in terms of what is awaiting the protagonist should he stay and thats partially due to a lack of overall description. Usually ambiguity is a good thing for horror but leave too much out and the reader doesn't get any closure. A hint or a description can go a long way to show what lays in store for the protagonist even if they aren't in immediate danger (example: "As I passed Candace's room, I noticed it was pitch black: edging my shoe into the bedroom's frame showed the tip of it actually disappear" << Why is this room literally cloaked in darkness? Is there something in there? etc).
And on that note, I've said this a few times in other workshops, but you don't necessarily have to have the protagonist say "This is strange/unsettling" to evoke that feeling. Again, description plays an important role here. So I definitely recommend thinking up interesting dialogue to go aong with the story: after all, this is a bar and meet up scenario, you want the reader to experience the sensation of conversing with someone and getting those little red hints.
Hm. Yeah. I wasn't thinking of actually finishing it today and this version as my final, so perhaps I will expand the story a bit longer. I'm not great with long pastas since I commonly drag them and they just dry out by the end of the pasta. This time I mainly tried focusing on thickening the plot and story, and fixing simple/easy corrections in English. Thanks for the feedback, William See! I love your work.
Houdius wrote: Hm. Yeah. I wasn't thinking of actually finishing it today and this version as my final, so perhaps I will expand the story a bit longer. I'm not great with long pastas since I commonly drag them and they just dry out by the end of the pasta. This time I mainly tried focusing on thickening the plot and story, and fixing simple/easy corrections in English. Thanks for the feedback, William See! I love your work.
NP, and thank you. If you need help coming up with dialogue or setting up some things feel free to let me know. Hopefully I can help out there. Cheers.
Saw this one and thought I'd toss my hat in the ring.
The Spaghett is right about the details. Details are a great way to expand your story without actually adding much more plot. Personally, for any given 'scene' I'm looking to describe, I try to ask myself "What is the main character experiencing with each of their senses?" I've found that, if done well, it can easily eat up a paragraph or two, even though nothing has happened in the story. It also helps put the reader in the perspective of the main character, because they can imagine the various sensations as though they themselves are experiencing it.
For example, if I give you the sentence, "Brad wandered through the woods for hours." you know what's happening, but not much more. If I instead give you, "Cold, dew slick-grass grazed against the cuffs of Brad's old faded jeans as he strained to find his way through the dense fog and gnarled old trees. The moisture in the air was thick to the point he could taste it just by breathing. He followed an aimless path for hours, all the while keeping an ear out for footsteps that didn't belong to him, or the sniffing and snapping of those baleful hounds." you get so much more out of it. It's only two sentences longer, but the atmosphere is completely different, and you can tell his situation is horribly desperate because you can imagine being there yourself. Why is he trying to flee? Who is chasing him? How did he get out in the woods all alone like that in the first place? It prompts you to ask questions like this, and then you can decide which of those questions need answering and which ones can stay vague.
Of course, the other side of the coin here is that adding more text means quite a bit more proofreading, and that can be a lot of work, but it's pretty much mandatory. The best way I heard it summed up is "If you weren't interested enough in your story to proofread it all the way through, then why should your reader be any more invested." If you read, and re-read, and then read aloud your story and it still passes inspection, then you are probably set. Grammarly is a great resource, even if you don't have premium, so I commend you for using it. There are some things in what I currently see above that probably got passed over by its algorithm, though, which is why a manual proofread is necessary even after a mechanical one.
This story has promise. As I read though it, I was thinking it was going to be a story about date rape, which is an awful and horrifying thing to happen to someone and must be handled with care by the author. But as I got to the end, I wasn't sure if I was right or wrong, and I mean that in the best possible way. The ambiguity of the intentions of the MC's kidnapper, as well as the apparent stranger in the home and his rational action of ditching rather than investigating all lend the right kind of mystery to the story. It does need clean-up, and the above suggestions will really help with that, but it's strong from a concept perspective. It's a good example of the dichotomy between horror and terror. This preys on terror, and that, I think, is why I like it.
Thanks for your feedback. Furthermore, I think I may have to put this pasta to an end. It's based off of semi-my experience except it wasn't a bar, but also it came from an original animation story that I wanted to see as a pasta, just scarier. The original is very fast-paced and confusing and I wanted to just expand the story, make it scarier and tune down the pace. As you can see, this story is tiny compared to most.