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  • Chris was a long time friend of mine. We would talk, hang out, play video games together, whatever it was, we would do it.
    I had just finished playing CoD with him, when I decided to go to bed, so, I texted him and told him that I was done playing for tonight.
    I got a quick sleep that night, and I'll explain why. I had a dream that I had killed him in a vicious car-crash that killed us both. There was blood all over the rocky, bumpy road, but then I realized something, I wasn't dead.
    I tried to scream, cry, anything to anyone, “PLEASE....please...”
    Then everything went black.
    I woke up with tears in my eyes, sweaty, and riddled with my own fears. I got up the next morning to an interesting text from Chris.
    “Dude, what the hell happened on the tv last night?”
    There was a video attachment linked to the text.
    When I watched it, my heart dropped and my stomach churned with the same fear, I felt the other night.
    On Chris' ' T.V, it showed the same dream I had last night. Every detail was the same, from my screams, to the blood, to what was left of his broken body, all of it was exactly the same.
    I swiftly texted back.
    “That was the same dream I had last night.”
    He responded within immediate seconds.
    “What do you mean?”
    I responded after thinking for a bit.
    “I mean that WAS the dream I had last night. I dreamt that you died in a car crash, I was screaming and crying, and there was blood everywhere, and you saw this on the TV???”
    “Yeah...”
    I stopped texting him for a while, until last night.
    We had just finished talking about what he had seen on the T.V and how it didn't seem to connect to anything at all.
    I decided to go to stay up and keep him updated to quell his paranoia and see what happened. After about a minute or two, I closed my eyes, and Suddenly, I heard a jolt of sudden static on the T.V that made me jump and shudder due to the abruptness of it all.
    I refused to look at the T.V as random flashing bright colors projected onto the wall, and though I didn't look, eventually, the colors simply cut to white and as soon as I looked to kill the curiosity, everything went black.
    I awoke the next morning, not remembering the dream I had, but rather; remembering that I had had a dream in the first place.
    I turned on the T.V reluctantly to find that the news was on and I saw there was a breaking news headline.
    “MAN FOUND DEAD INSIDE HOME”
    I listened to the details of who could have possibly died the other night. Then the news anchor spoke.
    “Just last night, a 27-year-old man, Chris Green was found dead inside his home. His cause of death remains unknown.”
    It was then I realized.
    His death was linked to my dream.

    What do I do?

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    • Wuddaya do? I'll tell ya. Send this whole story in an e-mail to Wansee Entertainment and ask him to make this into an animation!

      It would fit better on his YouTube channel than on the Creepypasta Wiki.

        Loading editor
    • Mechanical issues: •first two paragraphs specifically have a lot of comma splices. You don’t need more than 2-3 commas in a sentence with one or two ideas.

      •There’s a lot of unnecessary sentences which drag out thought. examples: (I got a quick sleep tonight, and I’ll explain why); (he responded within immediate seconds), etc.

      •Repetition: during the second TV sequence, you detail how abrupt the sequence was at least 3 times in one sentence. One adjective should be enough.

      •the protagonist claims he killed both of them, but in the same sentence says he was not dead? Did he mean he did not die YET, or was in a state of undeath or something relative to the dream?

      Overall there’s a lot of awkward sentences that need reworking to be less clunky (I awoke the next morning, not remembering the dream I had, but rather; remembering that I had had a dream in the first place) < this for example is very odd and doesn’t read smoothly.

      As for the story itself, its kind of hard to tell exactly whats going on, and not simply because the phenomenon is mysterious, but because of the aforementioned syntax issues and details. There’s no real correlation between the protagonist having this dream and it suddenly appearing on his friend’s TV, nor the relevancy of the car crash dream since neither of them die in a crash. To top it off one of them dies indoors, whereas the other isn’t even injured (which would’ve made marginally more sense since in the dream the protagonist is at least implied to have been injured).

      Edit: so after rereading, what I gleaned was that the second dream was so chaotic and colorful, it appeared on the tv and made the friend have a brain aneurism? If thats the case you could definitely use more details to emphasize that phenomenon: describe the sounds of the TV, how chaotic was it that simply looking at it caused a neurologically healthy man to die instantly? 

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    • Postuhenin wrote: Wuddaya do? I'll tell ya. Send this whole story in an e-mail to Wansee Entertainment and ask him to make this into an animation!

      It would fit better on his YouTube channel than on the Creepypasta Wiki.

      I’m going to be brutally honest here for a moment, a draft failing to meet QS here doesn’t mean it belongs on Youtube as cannon fodder. It kind of implies it doesn’t require touching up, and even so, it should still have the same quality posted here if its being narrated on YT. Even moreso because reading it out loud as a narration or animation means those syntax errors and typos will be even more obvious.

      Basically, this story could be enjoyed by everyone with some fixing up and further progression of events. Engaging the reader via repetition and details are part of what make horror stories fun to read.

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    • William See wrote:

      ...this story could be enjoyed by everyone with some fixing up and further progression of events. Engaging the reader via repetition and details are part of what make horror stories fun to read.

      Well, I suppose you're correct about that review (though trollpastas and crappypastas have been read a bunch as well).

      It's just that the story is almost exactly like something Wansee would do, down to the open ending ("What do I do?").

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    • Postuhenin wrote:
      William See wrote:

      ...this story could be enjoyed by everyone with some fixing up and further progression of events. Engaging the reader via repetition and details are part of what make horror stories fun to read.

      Well, I suppose you're correct about that review (though trollpastas and crappypastas have been read a bunch as well).

      It's just that the story is almost exactly like something Wansee would do, down to the open ending ("What do I do?").

      Probably, I wouldn't know since I don't watch Wansee. I just imagine the OP could probably get a lot of leverage either way with some additions to the story. 

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    • Probably, I wouldn't know since I don't watch Wansee. I just imagine the OP could probably get a lot of leverage either way with some additions to the story.

      With this, I agree 100%.

        Loading editor
    • William See wrote:
      Mechanical issues: •first two paragraphs specifically have a lot of comma splices. You don’t need more than 2-3 commas in a sentence with one or two ideas.

      •There’s a lot of unnecessary sentences which drag out thought. examples: (I got a quick sleep tonight, and I’ll explain why); (he responded within immediate seconds), etc.

      •Repetition: during the second TV sequence, you detail how abrupt the sequence was at least 3 times in one sentence. One adjective should be enough.

      •the protagonist claims he killed both of them, but in the same sentence says he was not dead? Did he mean he did not die YET, or was in a state of undeath or something relative to the dream?

      Overall there’s a lot of awkward sentences that need reworking to be less clunky (I awoke the next morning, not remembering the dream I had, but rather; remembering that I had had a dream in the first place) < this for example is very odd and doesn’t read smoothly.

      As for the story itself, its kind of hard to tell exactly whats going on, and not simply because the phenomenon is mysterious, but because of the aforementioned syntax issues and details. There’s no real correlation between the protagonist having this dream and it suddenly appearing on his friend’s TV, nor the relevancy of the car crash dream since neither of them die in a crash. To top it off one of them dies indoors, whereas the other isn’t even injured (which would’ve made marginally more sense since in the dream the protagonist is at least implied to have been injured).

      Edit: so after rereading, what I gleaned was that the second dream was so chaotic and colorful, it appeared on the tv and made the friend have a brain aneurism? If thats the case you could definitely use more details to emphasize that phenomenon: describe the sounds of the TV, how chaotic was it that simply looking at it caused a neurologically healthy man to die instantly? 

      Thank you for your feedback. I'm not the best with creepypastas yet, as i've only just started writing and getting into the spirit a few days ago. but nevertheless, I'll try better, and thank you.

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    • @Man men: Er, not sure if you're confused and taking credit for the story or using an alt. If it's the latter, you can't have two accounts here. 

        Loading editor
    • This is crazyyy

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    • William See wrote:
      @Man men: Er, not sure if you're confused and taking credit for the story or using an alt. If it's the latter, you can't have two accounts here. 

      I have 2 accounts, how do I fix this?

        Loading editor
    • AMixedBag wrote:
      William See wrote:
      @Man men: Er, not sure if you're confused and taking credit for the story or using an alt. If it's the latter, you can't have two accounts here. 
      I have 2 accounts, how do I fix this?

      ​​​​​You could leave a message on an admin's page asking for them to take down one of the accounts. I'd maybe stick with whichever one has more edits. 

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    • William See wrote:
      AMixedBag wrote:
      William See wrote:
      @Man men: Er, not sure if you're confused and taking credit for the story or using an alt. If it's the latter, you can't have two accounts here. 
      I have 2 accounts, how do I fix this?

      ​​​​​You could leave a message on an admin's page asking for them to take down one of the accounts. I'd maybe stick with whichever one has more edits. 

      How would I do that?

        Loading editor
    • AMixedBag wrote:
      William See wrote:
      AMixedBag wrote:
      William See wrote:
      @Man men: Er, not sure if you're confused and taking credit for the story or using an alt. If it's the latter, you can't have two accounts here. 
      I have 2 accounts, how do I fix this?
      ​​​​​You could leave a message on an admin's page asking for them to take down one of the accounts. I'd maybe stick with whichever one has more edits. 
      How would I do that?

      Find someone who's username is orange, those are admin. Go to their talk page tab and click the "Leave message" button (or edit talk page button), and ask them to disable one of the accounts. 

        Loading editor
    • William See wrote:
      AMixedBag wrote:
      William See wrote:
      AMixedBag wrote:
      William See wrote:
      @Man men: Er, not sure if you're confused and taking credit for the story or using an alt. If it's the latter, you can't have two accounts here. 
      I have 2 accounts, how do I fix this?
      ​​​​​You could leave a message on an admin's page asking for them to take down one of the accounts. I'd maybe stick with whichever one has more edits. 
      How would I do that?
      Find someone who's username is orange, those are admin. Go to their talk page tab and click the "Leave message" button (or edit talk page button), and ask them to disable one of the accounts. 

      Ok, thank you.

        Loading editor
    • Errr it's okay, the premise is fine. The execution is less fine. 

      I suggest the protag having the dream, telling their friend about it and just carrying on before the friend mentions seeing a news broadcast about a vehicular accident that looks exactly like the dream, but with different people, and have that happening over and over again in various capaticities until the protag learns their friend has died in this sort of vehicular accident thus making the actual dream come true.

        Loading editor
    • A FANDOM user
        Loading editor
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