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  • "there once was family who had a kid,who's age was normally nine

    he was a saddy who lost his sanity, and feel like a left behind

    his mom was sadness,his dad was brutality,his brother was a undefined

    he walk away,he walked an away,away to the rickety mines

    he forgot his way,and never seen day, he slipped onto a spiky twine

    his eyes were blind,the way he can't find,as if he were left behind

    his mother was crying,his dad a dying,his brother was put into crime

    his cries were still heard,soar and hurt,oh sad little kid,who was left behind"

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    • this is just a draft.might continue it or just leave i for you guys to use

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    • oh i like this my dude

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    • This little poem has a good many issues. First off, most of the commas in it don't have spaces after them.

      Most of the rhymes and sentences have a forced, unnatural flow to them.

      Additionally there are some typos ("a undefined", "his dad a dying", etc.).

      The story itself isn't even that creepy, due in part to its lack of actual description. While there is nothing wrong with micropastas, this one was too short to leave any impact or leave the reader satisfied.

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    • This is a story...right?


      Honestly, there's like little to no context to help make the point of this poem clear. I mean, you mention an abusive family, but instead of giving them a little focus, you immediately transition over to him going into some never-before-mentioned mine and then POOF, his family is now dying and there has been no mention of any abuse from them.

      Like NedWolfkin politely pointed out, while micropastas are not necessarily bad (e.g. ExamHope, or literally any two-sentence horror story), it must be acceptable as a Creepypasta. And your story is, unfortunately, so light with details, that it got outweighed by a bunch of Floating Darkness.

      Please, don't be afraid to add some more backstory. While it's always much more favorable to have more action than history in a fictitious work such as yours, backstory is still good to have. It allows the action to make sense and not just...be there. Squidward's Suicide may have a few issues to work out.

      Postuhenin (talk) 04:56, May 13, 2020 (UTC)

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    • That's only just a beginning,stil thinking of adding a backstory and consequences.So far,the setting is in the YRocky mountains,where the "gold rush' taken place,well,the father brought his child along the way mining some gold,where the son got lost in the dark where he slipped later after blinding his eyes.He wandered until he died,until becoming a mania,or a restless soul in greek mythology,and wanders to this day on.His existence was not yet known,expect for this lymerick,until someone,....found...




      well that's so far and a blurb.

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    • nvm idc if u guyz archive this or steal,as long as it's good

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    • A FANDOM user
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