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  • Michael had a night light he kept on at night, protecting himself from the dark and what whatever wraith lurked inside of it.

    He would keep it on and lit throughout the night.

    And whenever it would turn off, he would go into a panic.

    One night, Michael's parents decided he would have the light turned off for the night. They wanted to quell his little fear of the dark.

    Once his mother went to turn off the light, she heard Michael let out a shrill, but quick scream.

    She turned on the light.

    Michael was gone.

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    • I like the basic premise of this story, although it is a little barebones. A well-placed ladle filled with detail soup might be enough to fill out the ending: 'not only was he gone, but there was a [blank] in his place', sort of details. Were there clawmarks? Blood? Another noise? Etc. I think since this is a creepypasta we (the audience) sort of already know there's something related to the night light that protects the child, and it's scary.

      But having just the faintest inkling of what maybe took him and what they're doing to him can be enough to push this over from standard creepy to "holy shit, I can't move" creepy. Hope this helps, as it is I think it is mainlist material, but personally I imagine it'd be even stronger with that subtle element too.

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    • William See wrote:
      I like the basic premise of this story, although it is a little barebones. A well-placed ladle filled with detail soup might be enough to fill out the ending: 'not only was he gone, but there was a [blank] in his place', sort of details. Were there clawmarks? Blood? Another noise? Etc. I think since this is a creepypasta we (the audience) sort of already know there's something related to the night light that protects the child, and it's scary.

      But having just the faintest inkling of what maybe took him and what they're doing to him can be enough to push this over from standard creepy to "holy shit, I can't move" creepy. Hope this helps, as it is I think it is mainlist material, but personally I imagine it'd be even stronger with that subtle element too.

      Thank you. Quick question, if i fixed it up a bit, could I post it?

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    • AMixedBag wrote:
      William See wrote:
      I like the basic premise of this story, although it is a little barebones. A well-placed ladle filled with detail soup might be enough to fill out the ending: 'not only was he gone, but there was a [blank] in his place', sort of details. Were there clawmarks? Blood? Another noise? Etc. I think since this is a creepypasta we (the audience) sort of already know there's something related to the night light that protects the child, and it's scary.

      But having just the faintest inkling of what maybe took him and what they're doing to him can be enough to push this over from standard creepy to "holy shit, I can't move" creepy. Hope this helps, as it is I think it is mainlist material, but personally I imagine it'd be even stronger with that subtle element too.

      Thank you. Quick question, if i fixed it up a bit, could I post it?

      Personally, I'm leaning 60-75% "yes". Like I said the only real issue is it's pretty barebones, but overall it's written solidly, concisely, and there aren't any grammar issues (edit: you left a 'what' before the 'whatever' in the first sentence is all). 

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    • William See wrote:
      AMixedBag wrote:
      William See wrote:
      I like the basic premise of this story, although it is a little barebones. A well-placed ladle filled with detail soup might be enough to fill out the ending: 'not only was he gone, but there was a [blank] in his place', sort of details. Were there clawmarks? Blood? Another noise? Etc. I think since this is a creepypasta we (the audience) sort of already know there's something related to the night light that protects the child, and it's scary.

      But having just the faintest inkling of what maybe took him and what they're doing to him can be enough to push this over from standard creepy to "holy shit, I can't move" creepy. Hope this helps, as it is I think it is mainlist material, but personally I imagine it'd be even stronger with that subtle element too.

      Thank you. Quick question, if i fixed it up a bit, could I post it?
      Personally, I'm leaning 60-75% "yes". Like I said the only real issue is it's pretty barebones, but overall it's written solidly, concisely, and there aren't any grammar issues (edit: you left a 'what' before the 'whatever' in the first sentence is all). 

      Ok, Thank you. I'll try to see if I can post it, and spice it up a bit. 

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    • So I've read both the drafts you've submitted, but I've decided to reply to this one as I like it much more.

      The monster in the dark is a little cliche, so I thought the "Badman" you added to the second draft was a bit silly and formulaic. I knew what to expect, and I got exactly what I expected.

      THIS draft, however, I read twice over, and applied two different courses of logic to it. The first was the idea of something unknown in the dark that takes Michael, which was fine. But then I read it again, with the idea that the mom turning off the light IS what makes Michael disappear. And that felt way scarier to me.

      I don't think it needs to much longer if you try to emphasize my suggestion above. Perhaps hint less at something in the dark - or if you do, have it be the parent's belief that Michael thinks there's something in the dark when he really knows what would happen. Otherwise, grammar is good, it's well written, so I look forward to any adjustments you make.

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    • RedNovaTyrant wrote:
      So I've read both the drafts you've submitted, but I've decided to reply to this one as I like it much more.

      The monster in the dark is a little cliche, so I thought the "Badman" you added to the second draft was a bit silly and formulaic. I knew what to expect, and I got exactly what I expected.

      THIS draft, however, I read twice over, and applied two different courses of logic to it. The first was the idea of something unknown in the dark that takes Michael, which was fine. But then I read it again, with the idea that the mom turning off the light IS what makes Michael disappear. And that felt way scarier to me.

      I don't think it needs to much longer if you try to emphasize my suggestion above. Perhaps hint less at something in the dark - or if you do, have it be the parent's belief that Michael thinks there's something in the dark when he really knows what would happen. Otherwise, grammar is good, it's well written, so I look forward to any adjustments you make.

      Sorry for flip flopping around @OP, but honestly I totally had a change of perspective after reading both and seeing Red's input as well. I do think by comparison the first draft is a lot better, and that element that (again) Red mentioned brings a lot more dimensionality to the concept as opposed to just adding details, which the second draft sort of overflowed with.

      So, ultimately it's up to you which one you want to post. But I've definitely had a change of heart now and think this one is worth uploading. Cheers.

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    • This is as was mentioned just a skeleton. You don't even have to give it too much meat to make it a lot better. Make the night light the center of a little conflict between Michael and his parents. Have them have a little back and forth about the night light that leaves both parties irritated with the other which leads his mother to turn the night light after he goes to bed. You could make a whole decent scene out of his mom walking around his room trying to wake him up cause he's a fussy kid. 

      Do add some details in the end too; what did she find? Make it somewhat gritty and bloody ;)  

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    • RedNovaTyrant wrote: THIS draft, however, I read twice over, and applied two different courses of logic to it. The first was the idea of something unknown in the dark that takes Michael, which was fine. But then I read it again, with the idea that the mom turning off the light IS what makes Michael disappear. And that felt way scarier to me.

      You just gave me a revelation. Say, Red, you wouldn't mind if I used this as a basis for a story, would you? Specifically, that second part?

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    • Cornconic wrote:

      RedNovaTyrant wrote: THIS draft, however, I read twice over, and applied two different courses of logic to it. The first was the idea of something unknown in the dark that takes Michael, which was fine. But then I read it again, with the idea that the mom turning off the light IS what makes Michael disappear. And that felt way scarier to me.

      You just gave me a revelation. Say, Red, you wouldn't mind if I used this as a basis for a story, would you? Specifically, that second part?

      Do you think I should post the story now? or do you want to modify it a bit?

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    • AMixedBag wrote: Do you think I should post the story now? or do you want to modify it a bit?

      As per the message I left on your talk page, all I want from the story is to get your permission to use the basic premise. Combined with RedNovaTyrant's addition, I am confident I could make a good pasta out of it and publish it to the site.

      Unless, of course, you want to keep working on this yourself. It's your pasta, after all. Like others have pointed out, though, it's too barebones as it is to be posted on the site in its current form.

      If you do give me permission, I'll make sure to credit you and Red as inspirations for my version.

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    • Cornconic wrote:

      AMixedBag wrote: Do you think I should post the story now? or do you want to modify it a bit?

      As per the message I left on your talk page, all I want from the story is to get your permission to use the basic premise. Combined with RedNovaTyrant's addition, I am confident I could make a good pasta out of it and publish it to the site.

      Unless, of course, you want to keep working on this yourself. It's your pasta, after all. Like others have pointed out, though, it's too barebones as it is to be posted on the site in its current form.

      If you do give me permission, I'll make sure to credit you and Red as inspirations for my version.

      In that case, Sure! you can work and make it better, you have my permission.

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    • AMixedBag wrote: In that case, Sure! you can work and make it better, you have my permission.

      Great!

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    • Cornconic wrote:

      AMixedBag wrote: In that case, Sure! you can work and make it better, you have my permission.

      Great!

      Will you inform me if you are in development of the story?

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    • Yeah, I'll start working on it ASAP. I should be able to write a good draft this evening.

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    • I've created a thread on the Workshop with the new story.

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    • Anyhoo, @AMixedBig, going off what I said previously by more detail I meant like a single line of description as opposed to an entire new monster element. For example, "In his place, a human-shaped hole was left" after it says "Michael was gone". You do you, its your story and you modify and upload it as you need to. So good luck. 

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    • William See wrote: Anyhoo, @AMixedBig, going off what I said previously by more detail I meant like a single line of description as opposed to an entire new monster element. For example, "In his place, a human-shaped hole was left" after it says "Michael was gone". You do you, its your story and you modify and upload it as you need to. So good luck. 

      Will, would you mind checking out my version of the story and telling me what you think?

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    • A FANDOM user
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