This is a report made by a detective named Matthew [redacted].
A teenage girl has gone missing with little evidence as to where she could be. Because she is a teenage girl, it is a possibility that she simply ran away. Then again, it appears that she left in the middle of playing a game on her computer.
The girl's name was Lily, she was last seen with short dark brown hair in a bun, wearing a black sweater and shorts.
According to her girlfriend, who wishes to remain anonymous, the night before she went missing, they had gone to Game Stop late at night to see if there were any good games to play, but it was closed when they got there. There was however a middle-aged man who didn't speak good English selling a game for the PC for 2 dollars. She claims that Lily bought the game and that they went home soon after.
What happened between now and when she was kidnapped is unknown, except for the fact that she played the game until a point where there was a maze. We feel the need to investigate the game in case there was anything that might have provoked the disappearance.
The title screen of the game says "Puzzle Escape" in a cool, fire-like orange text. Then normally in a game where it says "press this button" it says something in Japanese, so I just pressed the space bar and that worked. The background on the title screen was the first part of the game. There were three paths next to each other. On the left, there's a door that leads to a bathroom with only a toilet, a sink, and a shower. Under the sink, there was a note that said "Tank has key" which I assume was poorly translated. I looked in the bathroom just clicking on things until I found a key in the toilet tank, which did not unlock the locked door in the middle, but the door on the right. This door has one of those slides the pictures around to make a larger picture, and that gave me the key to the door in front.
When you enter the door there's a small maze that doesn't have anything anywhere in it (except the exit). The end of the maze was also the end of the game, and it played a video. The video was of a man wearing a V for Vendetta mask and a Hawaiian shirt, he said "you win!" While he said this he clapped. Then he said a bunch of things in Japanese, which I assume was more congratulations.
Matthew is missing. We caught the man who did it but didn't find Matthew or Lily. They hope that they find them, but they won't. I'll translate what was written anywhere. The first thing was "Start Distraction" and the ending said "You win! You win. Yes, um... You got to the end of the distraction. Wow. I'm happy for you. I'm surprised that you could even understand the hint. I tried to make it understand but I guess that didn't work. It's ok, I'm likely already in your house, or will be soon. But congratulations, that's kind of impressive." Amazing how a piece of media such as a game or a movie or an article could be used as a distraction.
Shame. They framed an innocent man because he looked Japanese. They could never suspect that an American looking man's first language was Japanese. And now I have to move. They're too close for comfort. I had so many friends and I lived in such a nice neighborhood. But I don't belong here. I belong with the cat-like creature. Their face vaguely looks like a cat, an orange cat. But its weird and their body is unnatural. They want five children, and then he will let me join him, and then I will belong.
The admin who deleted this story left a good enough detail about this story's spelling issues, so I'm going to jump right to the plot.
Don't censor character names. It doesn't make the story sound more realistic, it just comes off as lazy writing. Everyone knows Creepypastas are fake, so there is absolutely no excuse why you shouldn't make up names for your characters.
This story is very cliche and it has a very similar premises to Mr. Mix.
Additionally this story comes off as slightly xenophobic and racist. Not only do we have shady looking foreigners, but also foreign languages are presented as "scary".
The biggest problem with this story is how underdeveloped and lacking it is.
For no reason the main character/narrator goes missing which is slightly distracting, in my opinion.
Then for no reason we're told, at the very end, about a cat-like creature. This seems completely pointless and wedged in. If you're going to have a monster in your story, give them a purpose. Don't just add them just to add them. Not only is it pointless, but it's impossible for the reader to "fear" them, since they don't actually play a role in the story.
There are a lot of places in this story that would benefit from punctuation, especially commas.
I've noticed a few typos: "alone in my hutning cabin", "I" is not capitalized in most places, "glissening", "unkown", etc. Additionally, even though "da fbi had nothin" appears in the post-scrip, it still needs proper spelling.
I suggest proof reading and putting it through a spell checker next time. I suggest Grammarly as well, because there are a few minor instances where poor wording and grammar slightly undoes this story.
Ellipsis is three periods and a space, not a whole bunch of random periods.
Now for the plot issues.
There are also a few tense swaps: "One night i was in my shed" turns into "I place it down on the table and go to the cabin.". If something takes place in the past, it must be told in past tense.
Exposing underdeveloped film would potentially damage the film.
It also kind of raises the question as to why the main character is being interviewed, and by who. While interviews can be a good framing device, they have to have a reason behind them, otherwise they seem pointless.
Interview aside, why did this happen to the main character? It seems kind of confusing as to why some random person would have this happen to them, which while a lot of "random" stuff happens to people in real life, it's confusing in a story.
The main character must have super sensitive eyes and ears, because flashes weren't terribly bright to the human eye from a distance, and the zoom, obviously, wouldn't be very loud.
This story is very disjointed, leaves more questions than it answers (and not in a good fear-the-unknown sort of way), and feels like it is missing a lot of bits and pieces here and there. You need to explain to the readers what is going on and fill them in on every important detail. There is so much missing here that it is hard to decipher what is going on.
The biggest question is what is this creature and how did it come to life? From our prospective, because of the lack of detail, he made what was, to us, just a statue that magically came to life one day and became a robotic Frankenstein monster.
"I never felt safe after that so they put me in a psychiatric hospital." Ok, no! That's just asinine and unrealistic. It feels like this is wedged in because mental hospitals are scary. They're not going to institutionalize a guy just for not feeling safe, they would probably put him in some relocation program. Simply not feeling safe is not a reason to ruin a person's life with an involuntary stay in a psych ward. Was it somehow actually affecting his mental health? This is why filling in the blanks are important. Don't assume your readers are just going to know where you're going with everything.
"Michael Walters died in september 2011 of unkown causes. " this is a major POV swap that we're not even warned about. Because we have no indication or transition, we are left to assume the main character is saying this.
Also, I would like to point out that the main character saying "redrum" is clearly ripped off of The Shining. Try to be original with your work.
"- Everyone in this story is fictional and da fbi had nothin to do with it. enjoy :) - " this epilogue is actually pointless and slightly distracting. This is Creepypasta, so we already know it is fictional.