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  • Hi, I'm Beverly. Currently I am fifty years old and I work as a lawyer. I'm one of the richest billionaires in the country. My life is great, but I still have some trauma to chase off. Trauma...like nobody could imagine. You see, I had a rough childhood. Parents never home and all of that drama. Bullied, neglected, and I lived in a city, to make it all worse. But those weren't enough to traumatize me, clearly. I was fine with how I lived, I thought it was normal.

    Two years later stuff hadn't got much better. I was 12 at the time, and I was in middle school. Eighth grade, hard as ever, usually. One day, that I'll never forget, some kids asked me to explore the abandoned school. They were part of the 'cool' clique, and they said I'd be cool if I did. So of course I said yes, being the naive little child I was. They gave me a map and told me to meet them there at midnight. Considering this being in the seventies, that wasn't much of a big deal. 

    When I got there I was confident. When I saw the building however, I was horrified. It was an absolutely HUGE school, like, bigger than your house if it was multiplied by thirty. That big, yes. Who knew what could be in there. And the windows were stained with blood. Outside of one of the windows was a dead raccoon. It was gruesome to look at. The kids were standing in front of me.

    "What are you waiting for!?" One said. "Come on!" She continued, motioning to the door.

    I followed her, still sorta creeped out. We went through the main corridor of the school, I was trembling. Dead animals were ripped apart and their body parts were scattered across the hall. The kids seemed unfazed, however. So I acted like it too, to be cool, of course. We entered one of the rooms and I felt like I was being watched. I stayed calm because, well, I was in front of the cool kids! I'd never hear the end of it if I chickened out now. 

    "Well we're here." Emmie said. 

    Emmie was my ex-best-friend. She left me when she got requested to be in the cool clique. That's one of the reasons I wanted to be in their group. I knew Emmie still had some good in her. We left the room. I felt a massive wave of relief as the feeling of being watched vanished. We walked down the corridor, with lockers lining each wall. This place was noticeably cleaner than the last. Only a few dead cats here and there, still all in one piece, thankfully.

    We entered another room, that looks like it could've been the office. I saw something run behind me, for a split second. I snapped my head around quickly. I brushed it off, I was certain it was nothing. And I didn't want to make a fool of myself. But I saw it again. 

    "Hey...guys.." I said.

    " What's wrong? You gonna chicken out? " said Emmie.

    I was in terror, but there was no turning back now...as I said, I'd never hear the end of it if I left now. We walked over to the next room. As we entered, we all froze. Outside the window, was a girl..but not just any girl. She was trapped in glass, a glass cylinder. The cylinder top was shaped like a skull. The girl inside it looked bone-shivering.

    She had pale, grey skin. White hair that went down to her knees. Her hair was wavy, with a little curl at the end. Her eyes were unnaturally big. And her pupils were little slits, no iris. She was very tall and lanky, and had twig-like horns growing out of the side of her head. She had a slight smile, with seemingly decaying lips. Her teeth were pearl white, but you could barely see them through her small smile. She was in a position, frozen in time. It looked like she was trying to get out, both of her hands against the edge of the glass cylinder. Her hands, they had red markings on them. Like the splatter of blood. The same markings were on her face, but a bit more pattern like. She looked sad, concerned. Like she knew she wasn't going to escape. She was in a pink dress. A two piece, it looked like. It had red vein-like markings. The dress really suited her.

    Suddenly, she cocked her head. We were all frozen in fear. She started moving her joints faster and faster, getting out of her position into a standing position. A crack went with each movement, making a horrifying noise. I'll never forget that noise, never. The glass shattered around her. She stepped closer to us in an unnatural movement. Like..a spider. Her face still had the same expression, we were all scared out of our minds.

    She broke the window, and crawled in. I ran like I had never ran before. I knew the way out, so all that counted was speed. I stepped on dead dogs and foxes, but I didn't care. All I cared about was making it out, preferably alive. the spider-like creature caught up with me, though. I felt a sharp pain in my back, but I had to keep running, I had to! At that moment a realized I might not make it out alive. it's the worst feeling imaginable. I wanted to give up, but I couldn't! I still had a slim chance of surviving! After what felt like hours, but was really a couple minutes. I ran out of the front doors of the school, and back through the woods. Once I made it to civilization, I was exhausted. I passed out.

    I woke up to everyone else passed out as well. I woke all that I could find up. The creature wasn't there. I noticed the massive slash in my back. The other kids were injured badly as well. Someone came up to us, an elderly man. Once he saw us he called the ambulance. Once we got healed, we all left the cool clique behind. We all became friends. The one person I didn't see that day after I woke up from being passed out, was Emmie.

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    • I still love this after two hours UwUz. If you want to see the picture I drew of the monster, so you get a better understanding. Download PopJam my user is CreepypastaBee ! 

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    • For starters, let's address some of the mechanical issues. 

      There's a lot of weird syntax/detail going on starting from the top:

      • "Eighth grade, hard as ever, usually." > Eighth grade was difficult for me.
      • "One day, that I'll never forget, some kids asked me to explore the abandoned school." > On a day I'll never forget, the cool kids asked me to explore the abandoned school.
      • "The girl inside it looked bone-shivering."(what does 'bone shivering' look like?)
      • "She broke the window, and crawled in." (you mean 'out', right?)

      There's some sentence fragments going on too:

      • "Trauma...like nobody could imagine"
      • " Like..a spider."

      Additionally there's no real need for any of the ellipses you've used (the ...'s).

      As for the narrative itself, it could use some fine tuning. The first paragraph is complete fluff mostly. It reads more like a ditsy rich person's first impression of trauma would look like (obviously she's doing just fine now she's 50 and apparently the richest lawyer ever). Basically, if it has no relevance to the plot or isn't building up a character's backstory, it usually doesn't need to belong there.

      I'm not sure any of what happened is plausible enough to begin with. In particular, the pasta OC that apparently could bust out at any time but decided not to till it made eye contact. And nobody but a group of kids noticed this till today? None of them were freaked out by the dead animals or bloodied school, but the monster was the crossed line? It feels like there were no stakes except for this one character Emmie who the narrator claims is her best friend, yet there's zero interaction between them the entire time: she was essentially used as emotional fodder for the shaky resolution (there is none; the MC adapts to her new life with arguably no issues).

      I suggest taking time to consider what is scariest about losing friends, since that seems to be a theme here. Is it the idea you'll never see them again, or maybe the idea of seeing them hurt? What is the scariest part of children being put in danger as well? How could a group of kids plausibly find an abandoned secret experiment creature, and what would their realistic reactions be?

      Finally, fine details can either make or break a story depending on how they're implemented. Basing the majority of details on creature design can often lead you to forgoing everything else, like atmosphere, character placement, props, etc.

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    • Sorry 😅 this is the first actual thing I've wrote and I haven't revised it too much. "=,= I'm in sixth grade and I just wanted to write for fun, lol. I will take your advice into consideration. Thank you.

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    • Since this is your first time writing a story, I’m going to go through and rip it apart. Once I’ve found a good number of the errors, I’ll give you what I think of this story. Keep in mind, these are just opinions, and you don’t have to take any of them if you don’t want.

      “Hi, I'm Beverly. Currently I am fifty years old and I work as a lawyer. I'm one of the richest billionaires in the country. My life is great, but I still have some trauma to chase off. Trauma...like nobody could imagine. You see, I had a rough childhood. Parents never home and all of that drama. Bullied, neglected, and I lived in a city, to make it all worse. But those weren't enough to traumatize me, clearly. I was fine with how I lived, I thought it was normal.”

      You start this with “Hi,” don’t do that. Unless this is some kind of AA meeting or something, it pulls the reader out of the story. You also give a laundry list of things about this person, that wouldn’t be too important to the story. If I find out later that it’s important that she’s a 50 year old lawyer, maybe I’ll change my mind. Also, get rid of the ellipses, that’s a way to show someone was interrupted or lost train of thought. Use a comma if you feel you must put a break there.

      The next thing about this paragraph is that you say that we’ll see she had a rough childhood. Don’t tell us that, just show us. There’s no reason why you should mention that if you’re going to go into detail about it, and even if you don’t you should still show it. Telling should be used a lot less than showing. Not to say that you can never tell, but it’s a lot better to show, which also give the reader a better idea of the character. “And all of the drama,” what does that mean? You’re telling about things, but don’t even tell what it is. Why is living in a city making anything worse? There are so many people in a city, anyone could find more people like them. Not sure what’s bad about a city, even though I personally would never want to live in one.

      “Two years later stuff hadn't got much better. I was 12 at the time, and I was in middle school. Eighth grade, hard as ever, usually. One day, that I'll never forget, some kids asked me to explore the abandoned school. They were part of the 'cool' clique, and they said I'd be cool if I did. So of course I said yes, being the naive little child I was. They gave me a map and told me to meet them there at midnight. Considering this being in the seventies, that wasn't much of a big deal.”

      Two years later from when? You said she was a kid, but didn’t give any major points that we can use as a reference point. Stuff? What stuff? Get rid of the age, just say what grade you are in, or vice versa. You’re using a lot of words that you could get rid of. For example: “One day, that I'll never forget, some kids asked me to explore the abandoned school. They were part of the 'cool' clique, and they said I'd be cool if I did.” Instead you could say: “One day the cool kinds asked me to explore an abandoned school, claiming I’d be cool if I did.” Of course there’s problems with that sentence as well, but it flows a lot better than what it was before.

      Where did these kids get this map? Was it hand drawn? Pretty sure that the seventies had curfews and parents were pretty on top of their children. The TVs cut off around nine PM I believe, and there was no phones or internet that parents could get caught up in. So, there was a good chance they would be able to catch their child trying to sneak out a lot easier.

      “When I got there I was confident. When I saw the building however, I was horrified. It was an absolutely HUGE school, like, bigger than your house if it was multiplied by thirty. That big, yes. Who knew what could be in there. And the windows were stained with blood. Outside of one of the windows was a dead raccoon. It was gruesome to look at. The kids were standing in front of me.”

      Explain how it felt to be confident, or what she was doing. Did she walk with her head held high, her chest puffed out? Don’t stay she was horrified, do the same as being confident. Don’t capitalize words. This woman who is old really talks like a teenager at best, maybe should fix that. The sentence I’m saying that about the most is: “It was an absolutely HUGE school, like, bigger than your house if it was multiplied by thirty.” Why are the windows stained with blood? The police would be swarming around that place if it was like that, or there would at least be some security measures. Where did the kids appear from? They just appeared out of no where? She didn’t mention that she saw them when she was walking up to the school.

      “’What are you waiting for!?’ One said. ‘Come on!’ She continued, motioning to the door.”

      Don’t use more than one punctuation mark per sentence. Don’t capitalize anything after quotes unless it’s a proper noun. Finish quotes with a comma, before it’s identified that someone said something. You don’t need to put “she continued” because you had it one time already. Only other time you can close a quote with something besides a comma before it’s stated who’s talking is when it’s a question.

      “I followed her, still sorta creeped out. We went through the main corridor of the school, I was trembling. Dead animals were ripped apart and their body parts were scattered across the hall. The kids seemed unfazed, however. So I acted like it too, to be cool, of course. We entered one of the rooms and I felt like I was being watched. I stayed calm because, well, I was in front of the cool kids! I'd never hear the end of it if I chickened out now.”

      Again, she says she was creeped out, but doesn’t give any emotion to the story. Explain how she acted unfazed, and make it known that there is an underlying dread there. Show those feelings by explaining them. Maybe she’s trying to keep her hands from trembling, or hiding them in her pocket so the others don’t see. Maybe her voice cracks when she speaks. Her heart is thumping in her ears. She has goosebumps. Any of those things would work to show how she is nervous and it makes the reader relate to the character more. You use too many exclamation points.

      “I'd never hear the end of it if I chickened out now.” This is actually good, is shows inner monologue which is another way to get the reader to relate to the character. However, it’s also written as a memory, so it wouldn’t be now.

      “’Well we're here.’ Emmie said.”

      Never introduced Emmie before. Also comma, not period in the quotes.

      “Emmie was my ex-best-friend. She left me when she got requested to be in the cool clique. That's one of the reasons I wanted to be in their group. I knew Emmie still had some good in her. We left the room. I felt a massive wave of relief as the feeling of being watched vanished. We walked down the corridor, with lockers lining each wall. This place was noticeably cleaner than the last. Only a few dead cats here and there, still all in one piece, thankfully.”

      Well, now you introduced her, so scratch that last part. However, again, show don’t tell. Why are the cool kids bad people? You make that clear by how Emmie still had some good in her. Explain how that wave of relief feels. Was a pressure released?

      “We walked down the corridor, with lockers lining each wall.” This could be made a little better. You got something that works, but it could be better. Try “Lockers lined the walls of the corridor we were walking down.” Or something along those lines. It makes it flow better. But this is good that you were giving a description as action was happening. How does this school smell with all those dead things in the halls? Add that, it will make the story stronger.

      I’m going to stop going through each paragraph and pointing out things for each one now, because it seems to be repetitive, however, I’ll still get some of the more important ones.

      “’Hey...guys..’ I said.” Ellipses shouldn’t be used here, use commas instead. Also try this, “Hey, uh, guys,” It would make it a little better.

      “She was trapped in glass, a glass cylinder.” Get rid of the first mention of glass.

      “The girl inside it looked bone-shivering.” How could someone look bone shivering?

      “White hair that went down to her knees. Her hair was wavy, with a little curl at the end.” You can cut a good amount of these words. “White, curly hair that went down to he knees.” Makes it flow better and cuts out filler.

      “She was in a position, frozen in time.” While there are more things that could be reworded in this paragraph, this one needs attention. What position was she in?

      “All I cared about was making it out, preferably alive.” This is funny, but cut the preferably alive part.

      “I woke up to everyone else passed out as well.” This makes no sense.

      “Once we got healed, we all left the cool clique behind. We all became friends. The one person I didn't see that day after I woke up from being passed out, was Emmie.” If everyone in the cool clique left it, it’s still the cool clique. Since Emmie wasn’t found, you really need to give her more time of interaction.

      Okay, so before I give this my final thoughts, there are some other things that I want to mention. You use far too many exclamation points and ellipses. You need to show more than tell. Also, you should cut down on the wording.

      This doesn’t need to be told as a flash back from an old woman. Have it being told after the events, but don’t mention how old the person is or anything like that. Instead of that, show Emmie and the protagonist getting along, and their breakup from friendship. Have them know the story of the school, how it’s haunted and all that, to keep the reader interested, but you can use a red herring for that. It would make the story a lot better.

      While this isn’t an amazing story, if you fix it up, it would be a lot better and could do well on this site. This isn’t bad at all for the first story you’ve ever written. Keep working on it, and keep writing, you’ll get better with time and you’ll have no problem with making some great stories. Good luck.

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