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  • My name is Sebastian I will tell you that story about a doll I received from my aunt's to my birthday, same if I am a boy I do have dolls who are all boys and heres where it all begins so be very aware of what I will say about this because it all happen the morning before I go to school.

    "Happy birthday Sebastian!!!" says my parents when I was waking up in the morning, "Thans, mom and dad!" I replied to them very happy as I joined the rest of my family for breakfast of course my fater make me a very special eggs and bacons as I was going to go to school. I joined my friends at the bus stop to go to school and we wanted to do something for my birthday too, in class I was still exited as everyone wished me a Happy birthday after classes I return home.


    I was excited of my aunt was also there at my birthday party, she then says "I have something for you!" as she gave me one doll who was also a boy with black skin but dressed as an old marine I was happy about it. My aunt was also with a smile but my parents when they see the doll they feel like something was odd with him and I calle the doll "Solomon" that was the name of the toy I like him same if he had red eyes and old time clothes I was very happy.


    Mom and dad then ask my Aunty about the doll because they saw something weird with it and like very strange to them they were uncomfortable with that doll, but of course nobody listen to them because they were all concentrated on me playing with my new friend.

    I continue tp play with him same if he had red eyes I didn't care about it just after the party is over everyone going to sleep during the night, I enter my bed and put my pyjamas on and then go in bed with Solomon in my hands as I was sleeping something weird happen I heard some teenage boy laughter and footsteps.


    I wake up by the sound of the laughing I thought it might be my brother but he was asleep I look around I see in the corner A boy with some old time clothes as he was looking at me. "Who are you?"I said as he approached he was wearing the same clothes as my dolll and look in his hand it was covered with blood and had a knife in it I covered my face scared.


    Because that thing was getting closer to my bed, not knowing what to do a hand was grabbing me as I scream in terror and run out the bed to the it followed me.


    I was so scared that and think its was all in my head it would be over soon, "All will be fine, it will be over in the morning right,"replying to myself as the footsteps continue this time its going back upstairs, has the danger as passed I decide to go back to my room and locked the door to be sure that stranger is not there anymore.

    So, the next morning my mother screamed and wake all of us up as we are going to see what's going on, as we all approached my brother was killed in his bed stabbed and his throat was slit as I go in my room as I see the doll with a knife and the hands were covered in blood.

    Author note: I know like other creepypasta I try to write that might not be perfect, I already try every corrector they all say the same things same if I try to correct it myself translated or not , and I just want honest opinion about this.

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    • I don't think this is good enough to be on the wiki in its current state.  Let's have a look at why.

      First, the plot is really cliche.  There are so many other stories with pretty much this exact arc.  Furthermore, the brother comes out of nowhere because you don't even tell us the narrator has one at the beginning.  This is a cheap way to include shocks in your story, and it doesn't do anything but bring the quality way down.

      Second, some nonsensical things happen in the story.  There's no reason whatsoever for the parents to have a bad feeling about the doll.  There's no explanation or follow-up with why the aunt had a haunted doll or gave it to the narrator in the first place.  You can't just leave this completely unaddressed.  It's also not realistic that the narrator would notice blood on the boy's hand before the knife.  People just don't register information that way.

      Third, the story feels extremely rushed.  You don't take the time to really paint any clear pictures.  Writing is not a race to a finished product.  You need to take the time with important details.  You need to do more than just present information like a list: "this happened, then this happened, then this happened."  That's not immerisive.  Guide the reader from point to point by describing and creating atmosphere.  For example, telling us the boy wore "old clothes" tells us nothing.  Describe what he wore in detail.  It will help the reader to put themselves in the story.

      Finally, you have some notable grammar and sentence structure errors.  The story is loaded end to end with run-ons, sentences that need to be split up into two or more.  You also have several spelling errors that need to be fixed.

      Rather than try to fix this story now, I suggest doing some research online for writing, grammar, and sentence structure resources.  Based on this, I just don't think you're in a place where you can write a strong story.

      Don't worry, though.  You will get there if you really put in the effort.  It may take a while, but keep at it.  Best of luck.

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    • There are tons of typos, the story is rushed, and the story is really unoriginal.

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    • Here's my advice for you, read your story at least once before asking people for help. I didn't even get through the first paragraph because of all the typos that should have been caught if you read it even one time before rushing to post this. Don't expect others to edit your work because you don't want to. You will never become a better writer if you expect others to do everything for you.

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    • that why i say it , but i will try to correct it  everytime i try people still think its not perfect  and cliché  its not cliché its just  trying to do something  to be finally accepted, i did get accepted before but they erased my first story a month later  long time ago and thought two three years  later  i would be have the chance but its not going to happen.



      But I want to be there  it was original  if people think its cliché and Unoriginal I don't care i will try my best to correct it later.

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    • Solonor1987 wrote:
      that why i say it , but i will try to correct it  everytime i try people still think its not perfect  and cliché  its not cliché its just  trying to do something  to be finally accepted, i did get accepted before but they erased my first story a month later  long time ago and thought two three years  later  i would be have the chance but its not going to happen.


      But I want to be there  it was original  if people think its cliché and Unoriginal I don't care i will try my best to correct it later.

      You're not ready to produce a story.  You need to learn the basics of writing and grammar first.  I can tell by your comment that you don't have these rules down.  It's not a race.  The wiki will be here when you're ready, but you are not ready now.  It takes effort and practice to learn these things, so don't expect it to happen quickly and don't give up.

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    • Solonor1987 wrote:
      that why i say it , but i will try to correct it  everytime i try people still think its not perfect  and cliché  its not cliché its just  trying to do something  to be finally accepted, i did get accepted before but they erased my first story a month later  long time ago and thought two three years  later  i would be have the chance but its not going to happen.


      But I want to be there  it was original  if people think its cliché and Unoriginal I don't care i will try my best to correct it later.

      I really recommend reading more stories in your spare time, so you have more tools to work with while you hone your writing skills. Just pick up a random book and see where it goes. If its too boring or you don't like it, move on to the next one.

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    • A FANDOM user
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