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  • It was another boring, Summer school day in Meadowpeak High.  I was in science with Jay, one of my best friends, and we just got done doing an assignment about cell structure. This may sound like a normal school day experience, but trust me... It’s not. The woman I saw was so... Terrifying. This is the story of how I almost died. 

    “Alright, class! Turn your assignments in quickly, the bell is about to ring. Anybody who didn’t complete their work has to stay and finish it up.” Mr. Allyson announced as he rose from his chair. Most of the kids got up and turned in their assignments to him. I quickly put my name on it and turned it in to him.  

    Once the bell rang, me and Jay walked to our last class, math. As we were on our way to the classroom, Ms. Goldensoth came out of the room, greeting us. After we were done talking, we went inside the classroom and sat at our seats. My seat was in the first row by the window. Jay’s seat was in the second row behind me, and another one of my friends, Layla, sat next to Jay. 

    “Hey Makaila!” Jay said to me. I turned around to face him and Layla. “Yeah?” I asked.  

    “Have you ever heard of Soul Eater Sally?” He asked with a little suspense in his voice. 

    “Soul Eater Sally? No, that sounds like a stupid name.” Jay and Layla’s jaws dropped from what I said. In their eyes I saw aghast... 

    “You’re joking... Right?” Layla said weakly. Questions started to roam in my mind. Was I too harsh on them? Was it a family member of theirs?!  

    “Wh-Who is she?” I managed to say, choking up my words.  

    “Don’t worry, no need to feel guilty. Not everybody knows about her.” Jay replied. 

    The bell rang, and it only took a few minutes for Ms. Goldensoth to come back into the room. Thankfully we weren’t doing anything too hard, we were just doing linear equations! She handed us our sheets of work and thankfully I was done before the bell rang. I folded my arms and rested my head on them, finally relaxing. Once Layla, Jay, and Phoenix (another one of my friends) noticed I was done; they came over and sat in the desks in front of me. Once they did, I rose my head up. The question about Sally popped into my head once more, who is she? I couldn’t help but ask. 

    “So, Jay... Tell me more about-” Suddenly, the sound of a blood-curdling scream ran through the halls. The whole class went silent, and my heart started to race. Did somebody just get killed?! As the unknown person was screaming, the lights began to flicker. Ms. Goldensoth got up and opened the door slowly, checking to see if somebody was in the hallway. When she came back in, she had a confused look on her face. One of my classmates asked who it was. Ms. Goldensoth said there was nobody in the halls and that we could talk for the last 5 minutes. Whispering arose in the class as Ms. Goldensoth called the main office. We were all in awe about what just happened...  

    I looked at my friends, they looked frightened... Except for Jay. He looked like he was doing some hard thinking. I could tell that Phoenix was more petrified than me and Layla because she scooted her chair closer to Jay, holding onto his arm. Layla’s eyes just darted away from us, giving me a gut feeling something was up with her. I looked at Layla for a few seconds, then back at Phoenix and Jay. 

    “You can’t hide, Sally. We’re coming for you after school.” Jay sternly said. Layla whipped her head towards him, looking surprised. She asked if this was a good idea, and Jay’s reply was a nod and a sinister smile. Phoenix looked up at Jay, still having the same petrified look in her eyes. Jay noticed she was clinging onto his arm, and asked if she could let go. She let go of him, apologizing. She looked down, holding in her tears. Both Jay and Phoenix were blushing. 

    “A-Anyways, who’s going to come with me?” Jay stuttered, raising his hand. 

    “Me, I’ll go!” Layla excitedly replied, raising her hand. 

    “N-No thanks, I’ll stay at home. I don’t want to die.” Phoenix shyly replied. Jay chuckled a little bit. I looked at the three of them, having trouble deciding which option I should do. 

    “Aw, come on, Makaila! It’ll be fun! Plus, if we do find Soul Eater Sally, we’ll be pretty popular in this school. So, what do you say?” Jay insisted. I can't believe he was peer pressuring me! I didn’t know which option to choose; if I said no, I would be considered a feeble-minded girl. If I said yes, I would be considered one of the bravest girls in the school.  

    “Alright, fine. I’ll go with you guys but not because I want to be popular!” I exclaimed. 

    “I’m sure you want to go so you’ll become popular.” Jay chuckled, teasing me. I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. 

    After Ms. Goldensoth was done with her call, she announced that she had to make an announcement. The whole class went silent and faced her. She said that the person who screamed was by the school, so it’s recommended for us to walk home with a group of three, unless we’re being driven home. As she was done talking, the bell rang. Everybody but me, Jay, and Layla got up slowly and left. Layla informed us that she took a picture of some info about Sally from a book in the library this morning. Suddenly, Jay froze and looked at Layla. 

    “Maybe you’re Sally, Layla. Your green hair, green eyes...” Jay muttered. Layla asked him what he said, but when she did, he grabbed her arm and looked her in the eye. He repeated what he said but in a dourer manner. Ms. Goldensoth ran over to us, telling Jay to keep his hands to himself. As he did, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a pair of two pitch black eyes! I yelped, alarming the teacher, Jay, and Layla. Ms. Goldensoth asked why I yelped. 

    “I-I just saw a pair of two demonic eyes in the window!” Jay insisted I was hallucinating, and Ms. Goldensoth told us that we were all just tired and needed to go home. All three of us stood up and left the room. Once we were outside, I suddenly got a feeling someone was behind me. I turned around, and saw a tall woman with dark green hair, and black eyes. She was wearing a short-sleeved dress that revealed her shoulders and went down to her ankles; splitting in the middle revealing the short-ripped jeans she had underneath. I turned back around to face Jay and Layla, screaming. 

    “Oh my gosh, what now?” Jay harshly asked as him and Layla turned around to face me. Could they not see the woman behind me?! I looked over my shoulder... The woman was gone. Layla was staring at me for a couple of seconds with emptiness in her eyes and then stopped staring, which startled me a little bit. I told them it was nothing and that I thought I saw someone behind me. As we continued to walk around the school, Jay asked Layla to pull up the image on her phone about Sally. She did, and read the text aloud. 

    “Jewel Mint Chalice, otherwise known as Soul Eater Sally, is a nurturing and sweet, but ferocious and blood-thirsty killer. She stands at 6’4 and was born on September 22nd, 1995 making her 25 to this day. Tragically, she was murdered at the age of 9 by her brother in 2004 with an unknown day, month, and time. Her brother was in a way forced to kill Sally. She was resurrected into her current form by a girl named Maketa. When she was resurrected, she was named Sally instead of Jewel. Others still commonly call her Jewel. Beware that if Sally isn’t by grassy areas and/or abandoned places like usual, you still will not be alone. She has an unknown count of siblings; some of the names are Autumn, Jack, Grimsby, and more. Married to a loving husband, she has three kids. Monika, Link, and August! Her kids can go into disguise and look like any other ordinary kid, that’s their way of luring lots of victims in. Her kids can also age up and age down. Monika’s actual age is 5, Link’s actual age is 4, and August’s age is unknown. Sally is seen with dark green hair that goes down to her breasts, black eyes, black streaks going down her eyes, demonic sharp teeth, and dark pink eyelids. Her outfit varies, but the best way you can tell if she’s near you is if you hear screaming of a woman being killed, a woman weeping, or maniacal laughter.” Layla read. We all stood there for a couple of seconds, absorbing what she said. 

    After standing still for a bit, we headed down a steep, grassy hill that was by the school and as we did, we heard a woman crying. There was something odd about her crying, she was mumbling the name ‘Monika’. It suddenly hit me that this was a bad timing to try and find Sally. She’s probably mourning the loss of someone named Monika, perhaps her daughter! We continued to walk down the hill carefully, but as we did, I saw Jay pull a pocket knife out of his pocket. I silently gasped and looked away. 

    “Who’s there? Why’re you crying?!” Jay exclaimed, as we approached a small, abandoned house. As we were walking towards the house, the crying became closer and closer which only meant one thing... The woman who was crying was inside of the house. Suddenly, the crying morphed into maniacal laughter. 

    “Come here, Layla sweetie! Mommy wants to talk to you...” The woman said. We couldn’t see who was in there because the windows were fogged up with dust. Layla obeyed the woman’s commands and walked carefully inside of the house. Petrified, I began to fiddle with my blue Chakra necklace. Jay was ticked off; I could tell because his eye began twitching. He couldn’t take it anymore, and kicked down the door. 

    “WHERE’S LAYLA?!” He screamed. I stepped about 4 feet away from the house, still fidgeting with my necklace until I bumped into someone... I froze like an ice cube, and gripped onto my necklace. Tears began to run down my face like a waterfall, my chin trembling. I faintly called for Jay’s name. He heard me and just as he turned towards me, fear filled his eyes. He went pale suddenly and his eyes opened wide. He warned whoever it was behind me to not touch me. The person behind me didn’t listen to him, and put her hands on my shoulders. I burst into tears and screamed but as I did, I felt the person’s cold hands cover my mouth. 

    “Shh, it’s okay. I’ll set you free very soon.” The person behind me said softly. She let go of me, and when I turned around, I couldn’t believe it... It was Soul Eater Sally. She gave me a sinister ear to ear smile, showing her demonic sharp teeth. It gave me goosebumps, and to make matters worse, Layla was next to Sally. She didn’t smile, rather she had a sad look on her face. Sally asked as what we were doing here, and as I was about to speak, Jay spoke. 

    “None of your business, you bag of filthy lies! I bet your children wish you weren’t alive!!” Jay barked. Layla gasped, and tried to hold in her tears. Sally’s smile soon faded into a frown. She stood in front of Layla, snarling at Jay. He rose his pocket knife up at her in fury, and demanded for her to step away from Layla. Sally giggled and shrugged and stepped to the side of Layla. No, it can’t be... Layla is actually Monika? One of the daughters of Sally?! I stood there, frozen solid feeling angry, guilty, and depressed all at once. I took a walk down memory lane, remembering the happy moments we had... It was all a lie. Monika didn’t say anything, but I could tell by her facial expression she was super sorry. I nodded slowly and looked at Jay. He gasped, looking at Monika too. He began to cry and looked away from us for a couple of seconds. He turned back around, pointing his knife at Sally, shaking. Tears welled from his eyes. Sally once again asked the same question, but in a more serious tone. 

    “Sh-Shut up! JUST SHUT UP!” He yelled. Sally giggled and walked over to him. Once she did, she snapped her fingers and Jay’s tears turned into blood. He fell to his knees, dropping his knife. He began to scream in pain and agony, pleading for Sally to stop. Monika ran over to me, and hid behind me. I assured her everything would be okay. As he was screaming in pain, Sally walked over to me and asked me the same question. I told her the truth, which was that Jay wanted to see if she was real or not and that me and Monika decided to go with him. She believed me and told me that she’d spare me. She walked back over to Jay, and snapped her fingers again, making his bloody tears back to normal, human tears. He dropped to the ground, panting and sobbing.  

    “Don’t worry, I’ll free your soul.” She said in a warm voice as she picked him up. He didn’t have anything strength left in him, so he couldn’t hurt her or scream. Suddenly, her jaw dropped down to her breasts, looking unhinged and frantic. Her teeth looked very sharp, sharp enough to crush bones into tiny bits. I suddenly got the reminder in my head that I forgot to check my phone! I quickly pulled out my phone to see that I had tons of unread messages and declined calls from my mom. She’s going to be so mad at me! I put my phone down, continuing to watch the scene. Jay’s eyes looked droopy and had blood marks under his eyes. With one big bite, she tore off and spat out the top part of his head which was where his hair was. His brown, poofy hair had parts of his flesh and bone on it, making parts of it red and white. Nothing but blood ran down his head, the only thing I heard was the sounds of screaming. Somehow, no one heard him! I turned pale and began to feel light headed. After she bit off the top part of his head, she took one last tremendous bite and torn off his entire head, leaving a huge puddle of blood under his body. Blood stained the grass red, making the whole area reek of blood.  

    I began to feel really light headed and turned pale. My hearing and vision turned blurry as well. Monika gave me a hug, trying to calm me down, but it didn’t work. After she bit off his head, she set his body down in the puddle of blood. A white glowing orb of light emerged from Jay’s body but as it did, Sally somehow caught it and brutally destroyed it with one crush of her hand. Once she did, she said one thing I will never forget... 

    “Stay with me, dear soul.” After that, I collapsed. 

    The next morning, I found myself lying in a hospital bed with an IV hooked up to my arm. I was super confused on why I was in the hospital since I had a bit of blood loss from my head. My mother got up from the chair she was in and gave me a big hug. Since I was unsure of what happened, I asked her why I was in the hospital. She explained to me that I was lying on the ground, bleeding from my head. She continued on saying that I was unconscious for 5 minutes and that I was lying next to a dead body that looked like Jay’s body. It then hit me on what happened! Me, Jay, and Layla were hunting for Soul Eater Sally! I sat up apologizing to her tons of times. She was confused, so I told her what happened. She didn’t believe me at first but then it reminded her of the cases dealing with Sally. She began to sob, hugging me again. 

    After 3 days of being home with my mom and dad, I came back to school. Everybody but Phoenix gave me weird looks. Thankfully, the teachers didn’t notice I was depressed until I got to math. Ms. Goldensoth noticed my tone of voice was lower than usual and that I wasn’t as happy as usual. She gave me and Phoenix a big hug, apologizing for what happened to me. I told her it was okay and that I felt better from my injury’s. After the group hug, she asked where Layla was. 

    “We... Found out that she’s one of the daughters of Soul Eater Sally. We were looking to see if Soul Eater Sally was an actual person and we got out answer.” I replied. Ms. Goldensoth had a look of disappointment and fear in her eyes. She sighed and gave us another hug. After the hug, she asked me where Jay was... I looked at Phoenix, then down at the ground for a couple of seconds trying to hold in my tears. I looked up at Ms. Goldensoth and simply told her the truth. 

    “He’s dead.” 

      Loading editor
    • "“Jewel Mint Chalice, otherwise known as Soul Eater Sally, is a nurturing and sweet, but ferocious and blood-thirsty killer. She stands at 6’4 and was born on September 22nd, 1995 making her 25 to this day. Tragically, she was murdered at the age of 9 by her brother in 2004 with an unknown day, month, and time. Her brother was in a way forced to kill Sally. She was resurrected into her current form by a girl named Maketa. When she was resurrected, she was named Sally instead of Jewel. Others still commonly call her Jewel. Beware that if Sally isn’t by grassy areas and/or abandoned places like usual, you still will not be alone. She has an unknown count of siblings; some of the names are Autumn, Jack, Grimsby, and more. Married to a loving husband, she has three kids. Monika, Link, and August! Her kids can go into disguise and look like any other ordinary kid, that’s their way of luring lots of victims in. Her kids can also age up and age down. Monika’s actual age is 5, Link’s actual age is 4, and August’s age is unknown. Sally is seen with dark green hair that goes down to her breasts, black eyes, black streaks going down her eyes, demonic sharp teeth, and dark pink eyelids. Her outfit varies, but the best way you can tell if she’s near you is if you hear screaming of a woman being killed, a woman weeping, or maniacal laughter.” Layla read. We all stood there for a couple of seconds, absorbing what she said. "

      This is pretty much where you've lost me. If all is well for post ressurection Jewel, why is she murdering people? If it's not well, why does it seem like the perfect supernatural family story? It just seems like you tried to come up with a cool character and ended neglecting common sense for that end. 

      You could've made Jewel into a Samara type character where she's a little girl ghost that haunts people and perhaps takes over their bodies to hurt others, give her typical ghost powers and have her haunt the school. Students shouldn't hunt for a famous murderous ghost. 

      Things should start nice and slow, her name gets brought up, and almost forgotten about 

      The ghost starts doing weird stuff 

      Weird stuff escalates, perhaps people start getting hurt 

      Kids try to figure the weird stuff out, it's revealed the ghost took over one of the kids body and messed with them all along 

      Big confrontation - happy ending is okay, but you're not supposed to have kids beating the ghost, just escaping it or repelling it or something but preferably at a cost. 

        Loading editor
    • CreativeGirl4
      CreativeGirl4 removed this reply because:
      I was trying to reply to someone, but instead just put it as a public comment by accident.
      16:06, July 16, 2020
      This reply has been removed
    • BloodySpghetti wrote:
      "“Jewel Mint Chalice, otherwise known as Soul Eater Sally, is a nurturing and sweet, but ferocious and blood-thirsty killer. She stands at 6’4 and was born on September 22nd, 1995 making her 25 to this day. Tragically, she was murdered at the age of 9 by her brother in 2004 with an unknown day, month, and time. Her brother was in a way forced to kill Sally. She was resurrected into her current form by a girl named Maketa. When she was resurrected, she was named Sally instead of Jewel. Others still commonly call her Jewel. Beware that if Sally isn’t by grassy areas and/or abandoned places like usual, you still will not be alone. She has an unknown count of siblings; some of the names are Autumn, Jack, Grimsby, and more. Married to a loving husband, she has three kids. Monika, Link, and August! Her kids can go into disguise and look like any other ordinary kid, that’s their way of luring lots of victims in. Her kids can also age up and age down. Monika’s actual age is 5, Link’s actual age is 4, and August’s age is unknown. Sally is seen with dark green hair that goes down to her breasts, black eyes, black streaks going down her eyes, demonic sharp teeth, and dark pink eyelids. Her outfit varies, but the best way you can tell if she’s near you is if you hear screaming of a woman being killed, a woman weeping, or maniacal laughter.” Layla read. We all stood there for a couple of seconds, absorbing what she said. "

      This is pretty much where you've lost me. If all is well for post ressurection Jewel, why is she murdering people? If it's not well, why does it seem like the perfect supernatural family story? It just seems like you tried to come up with a cool character and ended neglecting common sense for that end. 

      You could've made Jewel into a Samara type character where she's a little girl ghost that haunts people and perhaps takes over their bodies to hurt others, give her typical ghost powers and have her haunt the school. Students shouldn't hunt for a famous murderous ghost. 

      Things should start nice and slow, her name gets brought up, and almost forgotten about 

      The ghost starts doing weird stuff 

      Weird stuff escalates, perhaps people start getting hurt 

      Kids try to figure the weird stuff out, it's revealed the ghost took over one of the kids body and messed with them all along 

      Big confrontation - happy ending is okay, but you're not supposed to have kids beating the ghost, just escaping it or repelling it or something but preferably at a cost. 

      Hello, thank you for telling me your opinion.

      She murders people for various reasons. When she was resurrected, she had a killing urge attached to her. It's unknown why. But because of this killing urge, she mainly kills people because of how she's feeling. When she's mad or envious, she'll start killing people. And in a way her family is a supernatural one. Her mother is a Goddess, and her other mother is part Dragon and shapeshifter (yes her parents are lesbians). Where she grew up in, there were tons of supernatural people. And sorry I lacked common sense at the end, I'm not too experienced with story writing.

      Yeah, she could've. I never really thought of Jewel/Sally being someone who would possess others though. If this sounds good, maybe she could seem like a normal person, turn into a ghost (again, she's part shapeshifter because of her mother), stalk people, and when the time is right she kills them. The students hunted for her because they wanted to see if she was fake or real. Yes, they could've gotten an ouji board or something and ask if she was real, but they decided to take action and literally hunt for her.

      That all sounds pretty nice for the story except for one part. Her name getting brought up and forgotten about, seems pretty legit. She starts doiing weird stuff, seems pretty legit too. But the part where she possesses the kid doesn't seem right. I mean, maybe she wasn't the one who possessed the kid but maybe the Demon that possesses her from time to time (Demon Sally) possessed a kid and let everybody know as a warning that Sally is still around?

      Hm, okay. I could possibly change it as them escaping her. Does maybe... Escaping her but Sally doesn't leave them alone, stalks them and maybe kills them sound good? I mean, she'd kill them because of like I said, either she wasn't in a good mood or she doesn't want anybody to know she was by their home. If they knew, either the kid's parents would think they're insane or move to a different home.

      In a way, she's like a vengeful spirit.

      ​​

        Loading editor
    • Having read the story and your explanation, I'm going to give it to you straight: this story is not salvageable in its current form.  There are too many deep problems, doing down to the developmental seed level.

      Let's start with the character itself.  It's not good enough for things to be "unknown."  Even if some details never make it into the story, ou have to know exactly what happened and why.  Otherwise, this reads like a bunch of aesthetic stuff you threw together because it sounded cool to you.  That makes this story little more than a notebook doodle in word form.  On that note, if you're writing a monster or scenario because it sounds "cool" to you, chances are, it's not going to be scary.  You should be writing about what scares you.

      So, in short, your central villain needs an upgrade because she's not working and, frankly, sounds a little goofy in her current form.  She needs to have a clear motivation and consistent MO, like a serial killer.

      While we're on the subject of your villain, the extended family stuff isn't working.  It's too complicated, for one thing.  Anything that requires you to stop the action of the story and info-dump backstory is not worth keeping, especially if what's in the info-dump makes no sense.  This means, by extension, the whole angle with Layla isn't working either.  It's too distracting because any discerning reader will just see that and say, "Wait.  What the hell?  How did...?"  You can't afford that kind of distraction in a short story.

      This is a good segue into the plot.  Everything in your story seems random and unwarranted.  It starts at the very beginning when there's no inciting incident.  Someone happens to mention Sally and all of a sudden there's a problem.  There needs to be a clear reason and cause for Sally to suddenly spring up at that point and time and in that place.

      Once the plot gets going, it feels like you repeatedly force it along by having your characters react in unrealistic ways.  Everything "weird" or "scary" that happens is taken at face value without ever being questioned or applying rational thought.  That isn't how people living in the real world respond to these kinds of things.  Skepticism is completely missing from your story, and it's suffering for it.

      Finally, at the very end, the last thing a character is going to do after witness the literal murder of her friend is go home and cry it out.  There is going to be an investigation, police interviews, news stories, etc.  This also means that there's no way in hell the teacher---who works in the same town---isn't going to know her student is dead.

      Now let's back up and talk about execution.  There are a lot of unnecessary details in this story, and they're not helping you.  For example, you start your story in one class and then move your characters to another before anything that could be considered plot-relevant even happens.  This makes the first class completely unnecessary.  Look for other things like this.  Make every scene earn its place.  Similarly, you tend to go on blow-by-blow explanations of what's happening.  Not all of these details are necessary.  For instance, if a character is talking to someone, we can pretty well assume they're already looking at the person they're talking to.  Therefore, you don't have to say so.  You don't need to feed the reader anything they can envision or themselves that is not immediately relevant to the plot or message of the story.

      I can tell, also, that you've gone out of your way to try a certain style of writing.  I will always, always, always advise against this because no one ever gets it right.  There are always holes where the style breaks and the writer's natural voice comes through, and they are always jarring as hell.  It's best to write things simply and concisely.  Again, make every word earn its place.  If there's a word that is natural to you (while still being clearly descriptive), don't go out of your way to choose a different one that "sounds better."

      In addition to all of these things, your story has numerous capitalization, punctuation, and word use errors.  I won't go into them because of all the work this needs at the foundational level.

      I never feel good about writing reviews like this one, but I'm assuming you wanted honest criticism since you posted your story here on the Writer's Workshop.  I really hope this helps.

        Loading editor
    • Jdeschene wrote:
      Having read the story and your explanation, I'm going to give it to you straight: this story is not salvageable in its current form.  There are too many deep problems, doing down to the developmental seed level.

      Let's start with the character itself.  It's not good enough for things to be "unknown."  Even if some details never make it into the story, ou have to know exactly what happened and why.  Otherwise, this reads like a bunch of aesthetic stuff you threw together because it sounded cool to you.  That makes this story little more than a notebook doodle in word form.  On that note, if you're writing a monster or scenario because it sounds "cool" to you, chances are, it's not going to be scary.  You should be writing about what scares you.

      So, in short, your central villain needs an upgrade because she's not working and, frankly, sounds a little goofy in her current form.  She needs to have a clear motivation and consistent MO, like a serial killer.

      While we're on the subject of your villain, the extended family stuff isn't working.  It's too complicated, for one thing.  Anything that requires you to stop the action of the story and info-dump backstory is not worth keeping, especially if what's in the info-dump makes no sense.  This means, by extension, the whole angle with Layla isn't working either.  It's too distracting because any discerning reader will just see that and say, "Wait.  What the hell?  How did...?"  You can't afford that kind of distraction in a short story.

      This is a good segue into the plot.  Everything in your story seems random and unwarranted.  It starts at the very beginning when there's no inciting incident.  Someone happens to mention Sally and all of a sudden there's a problem.  There needs to be a clear reason and cause for Sally to suddenly spring up at that point and time and in that place.

      Once the plot gets going, it feels like you repeatedly force it along by having your characters react in unrealistic ways.  Everything "weird" or "scary" that happens is taken at face value without ever being questioned or applying rational thought.  That isn't how people living in the real world respond to these kinds of things.  Skepticism is completely missing from your story, and it's suffering for it.

      Finally, at the very end, the last thing a character is going to do after witness the literal murder of her friend is go home and cry it out.  There is going to be an investigation, police interviews, news stories, etc.  This also means that there's no way in hell the teacher---who works in the same town---isn't going to know her student is dead.

      Now let's back up and talk about execution.  There are a lot of unnecessary details in this story, and they're not helping you.  For example, you start your story in one class and then move your characters to another before anything that could be considered plot-relevant even happens.  This makes the first class completely unnecessary.  Look for other things like this.  Make every scene earn its place.  Similarly, you tend to go on blow-by-blow explanations of what's happening.  Not all of these details are necessary.  For instance, if a character is talking to someone, we can pretty well assume they're already looking at the person they're talking to.  Therefore, you don't have to say so.  You don't need to feed the reader anything they can envision or themselves that is not immediately relevant to the plot or message of the story.

      I can tell, also, that you've gone out of your way to try a certain style of writing.  I will always, always, always advise against this because no one ever gets it right.  There are always holes where the style breaks and the writer's natural voice comes through, and they are always jarring as hell.  It's best to write things simply and concisely.  Again, make every word earn its place.  If there's a word that is natural to you (while still being clearly descriptive), don't go out of your way to choose a different one that "sounds better."

      In addition to all of these things, your story has numerous capitalization, punctuation, and word use errors.  I won't go into them because of all the work this needs at the foundational level.

      I never feel good about writing reviews like this one, but I'm assuming you wanted honest criticism since you posted your story here on the Writer's Workshop.  I really hope this helps.

      Hello, thank you for telling me your opinion. I am deeply sorry for the late response.

      I don't mean to sound dumb, but can you pleaase clarify what you mean by 'what happened and why'? Ohh, writing things that scare me, hm? That sounds pretty reasonable. I'll try that out. Alright, an MO. So, for her MO, she would mainly kill because she would be angry and envious. She wouldn't only kill the person who made her feel that way, she just kills whoever. Does that sound good? 

      So basically what you're saying about the info-dump is that I should probably get rid of it? I mean, I can see why you'd say that. And just to clarify, you mean to tell me I should probably remove the whole thing about Layla being a 'normal' student and just keep the role of Layla being Sally's daughter if that makes sense of what I'm trying to say?

      Ah, alright. I'll think about why Sally just randomly comes out of nowhere. Either that or change it up a little bit and have a different reason of her making an appearance. And skeptisim, I gotta work on that too it seems. To help me get a head start, mind if you give me an example of skeptisim? I know what it is, I just want a clear image of it real quick.

      Yeah, that's true. I'll definitely work on the more realisitc reactions of things happening. Okay, I'll fix up some scenes and make sure they earn their places like you said.

      Yes, actually. After some Creepypasta's I've heard about, it's stuck into my mind and I was trying to make a type of writing style like that... But I miserably failed. I'll try remaking this story though! Like they say, practice makes perfect. 

      Oh. May you please clarify some of the errors I've made? I have Grammarly, but not the premium version so that doesn't help too much.

      Again, thank you for your honest opinion. I am deeply sorry you didn't want to write reviews to stories like mine. I'm a bit new to this story making stuff.

        Loading editor
    • Hello, thank you for telling me your opinion. I am deeply sorry for the late response.

      I don't mean to sound dumb, but can you pleaase clarify what you mean by 'what happened and why'? Ohh, writing things that scare me, hm? That sounds pretty reasonable. I'll try that out. Alright, an MO. So, for her MO, she would mainly kill because she would be angry and envious. She wouldn't only kill the person who made her feel that way, she just kills whoever. Does that sound good? 

      So basically what you're saying about the info-dump is that I should probably get rid of it? I mean, I can see why you'd say that. And just to clarify, you mean to tell me I should probably remove the whole thing about Layla being a 'normal' student and just keep the role of Layla being Sally's daughter if that makes sense of what I'm trying to say?

      Ah, alright. I'll think about why Sally just randomly comes out of nowhere. Either that or change it up a little bit and have a different reason of her making an appearance. And skeptisim, I gotta work on that too it seems. To help me get a head start, mind if you give me an example of skeptisim? I know what it is, I just want a clear image of it real quick.

      Yeah, that's true. I'll definitely work on the more realisitc reactions of things happening. Okay, I'll fix up some scenes and make sure they earn their places like you said.

      Yes, actually. After some Creepypasta's I've heard about, it's stuck into my mind and I was trying to make a type of writing style like that... But I miserably failed. I'll try remaking this story though! Like they say, practice makes perfect. 

      Oh. May you please clarify some of the errors I've made? I have Grammarly, but not the premium version so that doesn't help too much.

      Again, thank you for your honest opinion. I am deeply sorry you didn't want to write reviews to stories like mine. I'm a bit new to this story making stuff.

      I don't think you're quite getting what I'm saying.  I'm not suggesting a few tweaks here and there.  Your story needs a complete rewrite from the ground up. 

      The whole of the lore surrounding your villain doesn't work.  It's not coming across the way you want it to, and holding on to it is killing your story.  You can't grow a good story from a faulty seed.

      Everything you've cobbled together about Sally is random.  All of it.  Her "parents," her look, her "murder," her "children."  None of it makes any sense, and it's not doing you any favors to focus on it.  It's fine to come up with all of that during the brainstorming phase, but all of it needs to take a backseat when you're actually writing the story.  The story (usually) needs to focus on a protagonist trying to overcome an obstacle to get what they want.

      Layla's entire character doesn't work because the Sally lore doesn't work.  It doesn't matter if she's a "regular student" or not.  She's not working because nothing about Sally is working.  I get that you love this character and you're excited by it, but this is not the right medium for it.  Maybe it could work in a comic, but not in a creepypasta.

      It's also not a suggestion that your story needs to make internal sense.  That is necessary.  You need an inciting incident that kicks off your story.  In fact, try boiling your story down to this:

      Makaila is your main character.  She wants [goal].  Between her and her goal is [obstacle].  She tries to overcome this obstacle by [specific action].  The outcome of this attempt is [outcome].

      Try filling in the blanks using one or two words each.  That will be the basis for your story.  Anything you're tempted to include needs to be compared with that basis.  If something doesn't specifically and definitively help you tell that story, you should not include it.  This is what I mean by "make every word earn its place."  A short story needs a clear and strong focus.  This means that you will find yourself cutting scenes, ideas, and even characters you love because they don't help you tell a focused story. 

      This is also why so many of the strongest creepypastas are only a single scene.  It might be a good exercise to try and reframe your story as a single scene.  Think about how you can write a single scene that clearly defines the protagonist, their goal, and the obstacle/threat.  And by "clearly defines," I mean "gives the reader just enough information without being too much."

      This means that not all of your ideas will make it to the finished product, and that's important.  You can't hang on to everything and expect it to be good, especially if you're just trying to write a one-off short story.

      Unfortunately, I'm not going to give you the grammar specifics you've asked for.  This is because you're not ready for them yet.  Your story needs to be reworked, reenvisioned, and rewritten at the deepest level, and focusing on little grammar tweaks is not going to help you do that.

        Loading editor
    • Jdeschene wrote:

      I don't think you're quite getting what I'm saying.  I'm not suggesting a few tweaks here and there.  Your story needs a complete rewrite from the ground up. 

      The whole of the lore surrounding your villain doesn't work.  It's not coming across the way you want it to, and holding on to it is killing your story.  You can't grow a good story from a faulty seed.

      Everything you've cobbled together about Sally is random.  All of it.  Her "parents," her look, her "murder," her "children."  None of it makes any sense, and it's not doing you any favors to focus on it.  It's fine to come up with all of that during the brainstorming phase, but all of it needs to take a backseat when you're actually writing the story.  The story (usually) needs to focus on a protagonist trying to overcome an obstacle to get what they want.

      Layla's entire character doesn't work because the Sally lore doesn't work.  It doesn't matter if she's a "regular student" or not.  She's not working because nothing about Sally is working.  I get that you love this character and you're excited by it, but this is not the right medium for it.  Maybe it could work in a comic, but not in a creepypasta.

      It's also not a suggestion that your story needs to make internal sense.  That is necessary.  You need an inciting incident that kicks off your story.  In fact, try boiling your story down to this:

      Makaila is your main character.  She wants [goal].  Between her and her goal is [obstacle].  She tries to overcome this obstacle by [specific action].  The outcome of this attempt is [outcome].

      Try filling in the blanks using one or two words each.  That will be the basis for your story.  Anything you're tempted to include needs to be compared with that basis.  If something doesn't specifically and definitively help you tell that story, you should not include it.  This is what I mean by "make every word earn its place."  A short story needs a clear and strong focus.  This means that you will find yourself cutting scenes, ideas, and even characters you love because they don't help you tell a focused story. 

      This is also why so many of the strongest creepypastas are only a single scene.  It might be a good exercise to try and reframe your story as a single scene.  Think about how you can write a single scene that clearly defines the protagonist, their goal, and the obstacle/threat.  And by "clearly defines," I mean "gives the reader just enough information without being too much."

      This means that not all of your ideas will make it to the finished product, and that's important.  You can't hang on to everything and expect it to be good, especially if you're just trying to write a one-off short story.

      Unfortunately, I'm not going to give you the grammar specifics you've asked for.  This is because you're not ready for them yet.  Your story needs to be reworked, reenvisioned, and rewritten at the deepest level, and focusing on little grammar tweaks is not going to help you do that.

      Hello again, so sorry for the late reply. I tried replying to you but it wouldn't work. Oh, rewrite the entire thing? Alright.

      Taking another look at my story, I do partially get what you're saying about her being random though. But I have some questions to ask, what makes her parents, looks, murder, and children random? I mean, I barely mentioned her parents in the story. Her looks are explainable though. Ohh, okay. How does this sound?

      Makaila is my main character. She wants to make more friends. Between her and her goal is she's afraid to be judged for doing so. She tries to overcome this obstacle by trying to work on her self-esteem. The outcome of this attempt is that she gets made fun of for trying to making friends, but the positive side is that she made one friend.

      Ah, okay. So, for a single scene I introduce things about the protagonist, and in the second scene maybe I could introduce some things about the antagonist and get some action and horror happening? 

      Ohh, okay. And there's one thing I noticed I didn't do whilst making this: I didn't brainstorm. I'm not sure why, I guess I was just really excited to get started on the story I never thought about brainstorming. 

        Loading editor
    • This is your Sally backstory:

      "Jewel Mint Chalice, otherwise known as Soul Eater Sally, is a nurturing and sweet, but ferocious and blood-thirsty killer. She stands at 6’4 and was born on September 22nd, 1995 making her 25 to this day. Tragically, she was murdered at the age of 9 by her brother in 2004 with an unknown day, month, and time. Her brother was in a way forced to kill Sally. She was resurrected into her current form by a girl named Maketa. When she was resurrected, she was named Sally instead of Jewel. Others still commonly call her Jewel. Beware that if Sally isn’t by grassy areas and/or abandoned places like usual, you still will not be alone. She has an unknown count of siblings; some of the names are Autumn, Jack, Grimsby, and more. Married to a loving husband, she has three kids. Monika, Link, and August! Her kids can go into disguise and look like any other ordinary kid, that’s their way of luring lots of victims in. Her kids can also age up and age down. Monika’s actual age is 5, Link’s actual age is 4, and August’s age is unknown. Sally is seen with dark green hair that goes down to her breasts, black eyes, black streaks going down her eyes, demonic sharp teeth, and dark pink eyelids. Her outfit varies, but the best way you can tell if she’s near you is if you hear screaming of a woman being killed, a woman weeping, or maniacal laughter."

      Every single bit of this is random.  It doesn't make sense with itself or in the context of the story.  It's a lot of information that goes nowhere and can't go anywhere in a creepypasta.  There just isn't enough time and space for it.  If you can't see what I mean, I don't know what to tell you.

      Now let's look at your story outline:

      Makaila is my main character. She wants to make more friends. Between her and her goal is she's afraid to be judged for doing so. She tries to overcome this obstacle by trying to work on her self-esteem. The outcome of this attempt is that she gets made fun of for trying to making friends, but the positive side is that she made one friend.

      This is not an outline for a horror story.  This is a story about a girl who wants to make friends.  You cannot turn it into a horror story using this outline because there is no horror in the outline.  When you outline a story, that means your story cannot and should not contain any elements that aren't present in the outline. 

      If you want to write a horror story, you need to write an outline for a horror story.  Here's an example:

      Edgar is the main character.  He wants to rescue his sister, Emilia.  Between him and his goal is an evil witch who is holding Emilia captive.  Edgar tries to overcome this by killing the witch.  The outcome of this is that the witch makes a deal with Edgar for him to become her prisoner instead of his sister.

      In a horror story, the horror part will usually be the thing that's standing between the protagonist and their goal.  It's also not uncommon for the story to end on a downward/tragic note like in my example.

      Also, the outline about Edgar's story can be told in one scene.  One scene means one scene: one conflict that happens in one place at one time.  If I were to write out the story based on this Edgar outline, I could write a single scene in which Edgar confronts the witch, they fight and she overpowers him, and then they make their deal.  Do you see what I mean?  In this scenario, I might have a whole, detailed character plan for the witch.  I might know exactly what her history is and who her family is, but none of that makes it into the story because it's not relevant.

        Loading editor
    • Jdeschene wrote:
      This is your Sally backstory:

      "Jewel Mint Chalice, otherwise known as Soul Eater Sally, is a nurturing and sweet, but ferocious and blood-thirsty killer. She stands at 6’4 and was born on September 22nd, 1995 making her 25 to this day. Tragically, she was murdered at the age of 9 by her brother in 2004 with an unknown day, month, and time. Her brother was in a way forced to kill Sally. She was resurrected into her current form by a girl named Maketa. When she was resurrected, she was named Sally instead of Jewel. Others still commonly call her Jewel. Beware that if Sally isn’t by grassy areas and/or abandoned places like usual, you still will not be alone. She has an unknown count of siblings; some of the names are Autumn, Jack, Grimsby, and more. Married to a loving husband, she has three kids. Monika, Link, and August! Her kids can go into disguise and look like any other ordinary kid, that’s their way of luring lots of victims in. Her kids can also age up and age down. Monika’s actual age is 5, Link’s actual age is 4, and August’s age is unknown. Sally is seen with dark green hair that goes down to her breasts, black eyes, black streaks going down her eyes, demonic sharp teeth, and dark pink eyelids. Her outfit varies, but the best way you can tell if she’s near you is if you hear screaming of a woman being killed, a woman weeping, or maniacal laughter."

      Every single bit of this is random.  It doesn't make sense with itself or in the context of the story.  It's a lot of information that goes nowhere and can't go anywhere in a creepypasta.  There just isn't enough time and space for it.  If you can't see what I mean, I don't know what to tell you.

      Now let's look at your story outline:

      Makaila is my main character. She wants to make more friends. Between her and her goal is she's afraid to be judged for doing so. She tries to overcome this obstacle by trying to work on her self-esteem. The outcome of this attempt is that she gets made fun of for trying to making friends, but the positive side is that she made one friend.

      This is not an outline for a horror story.  This is a story about a girl who wants to make friends.  You cannot turn it into a horror story using this outline because there is no horror in the outline.  When you outline a story, that means your story cannot and should not contain any elements that aren't present in the outline. 

      If you want to write a horror story, you need to write an outline for a horror story.  Here's an example:

      Edgar is the main character.  He wants to rescue his sister, Emilia.  Between him and his goal is an evil witch who is holding Emilia captive.  Edgar tries to overcome this by killing the witch.  The outcome of this is that the witch makes a deal with Edgar for him to become her prisoner instead of his sister.

      In a horror story, the horror part will usually be the thing that's standing between the protagonist and their goal.  It's also not uncommon for the story to end on a downward/tragic note like in my example.

      Also, the outline about Edgar's story can be told in one scene.  One scene means one scene: one conflict that happens in one place at one time.  If I were to write out the story based on this Edgar outline, I could write a single scene in which Edgar confronts the witch, they fight and she overpowers him, and then they make their deal.  Do you see what I mean?  In this scenario, I might have a whole, detailed character plan for the witch.  I might know exactly what her history is and who her family is, but none of that makes it into the story because it's not relevant.

      Ah, yes. I do mainly see what you mean now. 

      Yes, I know. It was just some random example I did. I'll try again, knowing it needs to be about horror.

      Xino is my main character. He wants to save his sister, Sylvia. Between him and his goal is the kidnapper who put Sylvia in a basement. Xino tries to overcome this by trying to distract the kidnapper and trying to find the key to the basement. The outcome of this is that Xino frees Sylvia, but the kidnapper catches Xino and badly hurts him.

      Sorry if it doesn't sound good. I tried. And yes, I do see what you mean. And if I were to write out this story on this Xino outline, I could write a single scene in which Xino finds a way to get inside the house quietly, he distracts the kidnapper with something and finds the key, and then he frees her from the basement but the kidnapper finds Xino and beats him terribly.  

      Again, sorry if that didn't sound too good. Ohh, okay. So, not everything about a certain character needs to be in the story. Alright. 

        Loading editor
    • You shouldn't apologize for learning.

        Loading editor
    • Aww, okay. And thanks to your story building technique you taught me (goal, obstacle, outcome), I'm gonna use that to help me make my story! I hope I do well.

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    • A FANDOM user
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