FANDOM


  • hi, I  as you may or may not know am sam. Now! While I’m sure in a normal conversation you’re response would be “ oh! It’s a pleasure to meet you” no. its not I’ll tell you why soon enough but for right now a little bit about myself. I work in the customer service industry I’m the guy ya scream and bitch at for your wifi is down. Now some of you may have just responded with a gasp or scoff saying something to the effect of “I’d never yell at customer service personnel” to which I would reply you’re obviously lying to not seem like a prick and hey that’s perfectly fine! Well, that’s enough prattling you’re probably wondering why I’m writing this well a few days ago while I was taking calls (i work for an internet provider ) people complained all day I  even got those rare sorta funny callers who thought they were smart (obviously not) but this day around 8:00 pm (i work later than most ) I got a particularly odd caller from his voice on the phone he sounded distraught and a little out of breath which was odd given the tone he took with me while he was panting he’d address me by name. I have no clue how this man knew it but it definitely threw me for a loop he spoke into the phone with an even keel tone almost a dying breath of a whisper” are you Samael ?” needless to say I was creeped out but with a shaky voice, I replied, “who’s this” just in case it was one of those voice capturing calls...well he didn’t seem to hear me and just remained silent and a few moments which felt like hours, the call dropped…” that was weird” I spoke to myself I had no idea. About thirty minutes later...you guessed it the same number..yet this time the voice belonged to a female. She sounded much laxer then the previous I hate to say it but her voice was almost attractive she spoke close to the phone even her smallest breath could be heard she said this through the phone “ Sammy? Are you there?” Sammy? I hadn’t been called Sammy since I was eight. I responded like before “ who are you?” needless to say she didn’t answer my question, well not the way I wanted anyway..she took a slow breath and spoke again breathing into the speaker or mic I don’t fuckin know! “ we are coming.” I didnt...no I couldn’t respond, the call dropped as soon as she went quiet. I leaned back against my chair and let out an exhausted breath” what the hell?” I must’ve been tired since when I looked out of the office window it was already night the moon was the only light in the sky… I looked down to the street and I could’ve sworn out of the corner of my eye I saw a figure covered by shadows peeking up at my window then my head felt as though someone had taken a bat to the side of my head it throbbed and pulsed but quickly went away and soon I looked to where I saw the figure it was gone...like it hadn’t been there in the first place, of course, I shook it off as me overworking myself on late nights I lightly chuckled to loosen up a bit and then made my way back to my desk I had missed three calls and all...were the same number from before…” fuck it!” I slammed myself back down in my chair and took the phone in hand and called the number back before they could get a word in I shouted “ whoever this is FUCK OFF! I have clients to talk to I don’t need stupid prank calls!” the voice that soon responded was neither of the first two it was guttural almost like a creature struggling to breathe its voice shook my very core it spoke easy and corse “ turn around.” my eyes widened as I heard this voice both through phone and behind me the hair of my neck stood on end as I shook unable to move let alone scream the window as previously mentioned let moonlight shine through into my cubicle I saw the figure of a twisted and broken looking creature its arms were jagged as if someone had snapped its joints in every possible way, it raised its arm above my shoulder I could see its clawed and boney digits passing by my shoulder and grasping for my throat the motion itself was benign calm and slow, So painfully slow for only a moment I thought I’d die. I quickly crouched down to avoid its talon-like fingers I crawled between the creatures janky and twisted legs and when I say i ran to the door I mean I RAN this was not your typical horror movie run either at that moment I SWEAR my speed was edging dangerously close to Usain bolt speeds though my newfound speed didn’t amount to much because I made the mistake of looking back as I had reached the exit the creature was already only a few feet away from me I could feel its dead pale blue eyes gazing into mine, it ran on all fours in leaps and bounds its claws scraping against the tile ground its mouth was unhinged razor bladed teeth bloodstained and jagged for reasons I was not eager to find out, I swung open the door and locked it behind me I wasn’t sure if it’d do anything to stop it but I hoped it’d at least slow it down, terrified and panicked I ran through the darkened parking lot and frantically jimmied the car door handle (my car door has to be jimmied or shaken two or more times to open) i damn near jump into the drivers seat and slam the door shut i turn the key it starts i thank god furiously for the good luck and i pull out as fast i can without knocking down a fucking light post and drive home needless to say i did not sleep at all i was more terrified then tired at that point so i stayed up screaming at every creek and croak around my house i live alone in an old dirt cheap house so shit creaks here there and fucking everywhere i finally passed out around 1:40 am and thank god i had my typical dreamless sleep,i say dreamless even though i woke up in a cold sweat it’s now the next morning and i think i’ll skip work today to sleep everything off, from what i can tell i wasn’t followed, that being said i’m making very sure all my doors are locked and blocked it may have been a sleepless night delusion but i do not take chances i will say though when i woke up i couldve sworn i saw teeth marks on the bottom corner of my bedroom door i went over to investigate but...there were none. If you guys have any idea what this thing is please let me know I hope...it was all just a delusion this jagged toothed demon or whatever...

      Loading editor
    • Let's start with your plot problem: the story is random.  Nothing that happens has a clear reason to happen, and the creature is never explained or even theorized about.  This isn't good enough.  Even the most mysterious creepypasta villains have more to go on than this.  You need to develop this further by asking "why is all of this happening?"  It's not good enough for you, as the writer, not to know.

      Now for the gigantic elephant in the room: your sentence structure, paragraph structure, and grammar are seriously in need of work.  This is not a suggestion.  It is absolutely necessary  that you learn the proper way to structure a sentence and a paragraph before you even consider writing a story.  As it is right now, your story would be deleted in a heartbeat if you posted it to the wiki.

      I would give you some tips for this, but I don't want you to fall into the trap of thinking that you only need surface-level edits.  This story needs developmental work, and just fixing the grammar and such is not going to do that.

      So, your order of operations should be:

      • Develop your idea further.
      • Research and educate yourself about grammar, paragraph structure, and sentence structure.
      • Rewrite your story.

      I hope this helps.

        Loading editor
    • Skimming through the first couple of lines I've found too many errors in grammar to give this story a full review. Sorry, really poor grammar makes my head hurt.

      Listen to what Jdeschene said and work on the grammar. Don't have a wall of text, break up paragraphs and sentences, punctuation, capitalization, the basic things. Once you get that ironed out, I'll be more willing to read your stories.

        Loading editor
    • A FANDOM user
        Loading editor
Give Kudos to this message
You've given this message Kudos!
See who gave Kudos to this message
Community content is available under CC-BY-SA unless otherwise noted.