I used to love to go to this really underrated website called "Safe Space". It was suppose to be a safe place where people apart of the LGBT+ community could go to. I am a transgender male. I was lucky enough to have supportive parents, unlike most of the underaged users there. The main reason I went there was to vent about the transphobia at my school and to make friends with other people apart of the community. I mainly talked to two people. One was a teen girl who wasn't apart of the LGBT community, but she was an ally which was welcomed on the web site. She would usually post stuff about her favorite video games and books. Another was a teen gay guy from my school, and one of my only friends outside of the online space. He was my best friend and we usually hung out on the weekends.
It wasn't unusual for users to suddenly dissappear. Many had very homophobic/transphobic parents who probably found their account or something. It was sad but it's not like we could really do anything. Trolls were common and the moderaters were surprisingly unactive but we just would block them and move on with our conversations.
However suddenly the web site started to feel more and more empty. More and more people started going away. The web site was already very underrated but a lot of the common posters were leaving without even posting a jorunal explaining why. My two close friends promise me they weren't going to leave the site which did make me feel a little bit better. However, due to the less and less amounts of people, I even started becoming less active on the web site. I started taking long breaks from the web site since the trolls were becoming more and more vicious on there and it really wasn't worth the hassel anymore to just vent. I published a journal on my profile telling the friends I had left that I was going to leave and maybe try to get on some other, more popular, types of social media. Me and my female friend decided to give each other our phone numbers so we could still keep in touch.
We texted each other a lot and she even started flirting with me. I was super insecure about myself, being a trans guy who wasn't even on hormones yet due to my age, so I kinda just ignored the flirting. She eventually confessed she had feelings for me, but I wasn't ready for a relationship and I told her this. She asked if we could at least go on a date, but I said no. She kept nagging me so I straight up told her that if she was going to be that disrespectful to me then she wasn't even going to have a chance. She suddenly blew up at me, yelling slurs, saying that a "hesbian" like me didn't deserve respect. I felt as if someone shot me through the heart. I texted a long paragraph though tears saying how I thought she was a good person, how I thought she didn't think like those kids at my school. I blocked her number before she could even reply back. I felt so broken. I wondered if she just said those things just because I rejected her, or if she was always like that. I decide to just push her to the back of my mind and pretend like she never existed. It took a bit of course, she was my "friend" for a long time, but eventually I convinced myself that she wasn't worth the stress and worry.
One day I was hanging out with my male friend I mentioned previously. He said that he met another guy on the web site who was bisexual. They had been talking for a bit and my friend had developed a crush on the guy. Alarms went off in my head, I warned him to not meet up with him or anything before at least getting a face time from the guy. He got offended and said he wasn't stupid enough to do something like that, but I juat wanted to make sure he stayed safe, he was one of my only friends left.
It wasn't like it really mattered though, a few days later his house caught on fire and he died along with his mother. I felt so awful about it, I wished I could have done something. The police were unsure how it even happened, there were signs that it wasn't an acident. The day after I took the day off school to grieve. I probably spent the entire day crying. I was huddled up in my bed when I decided to read some of our past texts. I saw that he had texted me late the other night before the fire. He was telling me about some video game he was playing. How of grief I decided to reply to the text message about how it sounded fun. I replied as if nothing happened because I wanted it to be like nothing happened. I was reading past texts when suddenly my blood went cold from the newest message I got.
It was a reply from his phone. It wasn't from his father, who survived the fire. The message asked me to meet up at some place so we could go buy the video game for me. I freaked out and ran to my parents and told them about the message. They looked at the phone and their eyes went wide. My dad shut down my phone and turned it back on to make sure it wasn't some glitch, but it wasn't. My mom decided it would be best to call the police since it's possible the arsonist had the phone.
The police took my phone and decided it would be best to bait the person into thinking I didn't know of what happened to my friend. The police replied to him and got an adress and time to meet somewhere. Two officers went undercover and went to the location. It was an abandoned store and they found a man in the ally way next to it. He was carrying a knife and my friend's phone. They interviewed him and got him to confess to not only my friend's murder, but also to other fires that had been set to other houses. He had used "Safe Space" to find teens who were in the LGBT community and he was going to kill them. He had serveral accounts appearntly, including one where he pretended to be a female ally.
Two major problems stick out to me right away. The first is that the entire set up before the conversation with the "girl" goes on for too long and contains too many ultimately unnecessary details. There should be a way to condense this part and communicate what the reader needs to know in a more organic way so that they don't have to sit through paragraph after paragraph and wonder where it's all going.
Secondly, this is majorly, majorly rushed. No time is taken to make the reader feel anything. It's essentially a report. This is going to (and did) bore your reader. You do a lot of telling and that contributes to this. You've heard the expression, "show don't tell?" If you haven't suggest you research what it means and how to do it in your writing because it will make your story so much more engaging.
Apart from all of this, there are many grammatical errors, including mispellings and improper word usage. I'm not going to go into specifics here because none of that is as important as developing your story further.
Honestly, I think this more of an attempt to make yourself seem like a good ally to the LGBT community, or a vent piece where you discuss just how tough it is to be a member of the community.
It's not scary and I don't know how realistic that is, I don't know if LGBT people solely focus on being LGBT 24/7 actively, you feel me?
Anyway, if you want to get this piece to be informative about homophobia and transphobia and be genuinely terrifying, use the idea of a violent attack based on one of these. Imagine your narrator being at a party or whatever, and then the site comes up where their friend says "you know I heard about this site called safe space, I heard it's a pretty good place to get vent and get support." prompting the narrator to admit they are already a member and how the site and the community is dying and is overrun by trolls. Then this "bad guy" type overhears it and either attacks the narrator and their friends right away or waits for them to get out of the partying area and then does it leading to one of them dying or getting badly hurt on the grounds of hating lgbt people.
It's pretty basic, but it can be really jarring and unpleasant.