I remember a story my mother told me once. It was a story about our father, a man who hid up there on the moon. He was sad, alone, full of regret. His children had forgotten about him and he had to abandon them to live up in the heavens.
“He’s sat up there now,” My mom would say, “Horrified by all the blood we spill each day,”
The man in the moon watches you, whether you believe it or not. My dad can attest to that. You see, he fell straight from the sky one day. My father touched the stars on his way down. He gazed into the man’s silver eyes. The Man in the Moon was tired. His face was wrinkled and shadowed. At the time, my dad winced at the sight. My mum tells that story any time she can, with hope in her own eyes. I think she believes it will get people to listen. To look up at the sky again. Maybe blink at the Moon.
Or everyone’s right. She’s just after attention. She just does it to get people talking. There’s no such thing as a man living on the moon. There’s no such thing as goblins or vampires or werewolves prowling our field. I don’t know. Her ideas are so ridiculous that I’m almost inclined to agree with them. Almost. See, if my mom’s just crazy and all of her stories are the product of an overactive imagination, care to explain how my father’s alive, sleeping soundly, upside down in our attic rafters?
Hey, some elements of this are interesting but you need to commit to an actual story. What you've got here is a micropasta and a lot of people start out trying to write one. But the funny thing is it's a lot harder to write a good 500 word story than it is a good 5000 word story. Writing micro fiction is something best reserved for people who are oozing either luck, talent, or experience. You put a good effort in here, but the story falls short and there is progress yet to be made.
My advice: writing is hard and for a lot of people it's a long hard road filled with practice and frustration. You've taken the first step of seeking advice and that is the most important thing any writer can ever do. That's great. But now you need to move onto the boring fundamentals by establishing stories with characters, plot, atmosphere, setting, and maybe even some kind of theme. You need to write a draft of a story. Something simple - one or two characters, an imaginative threat, some kind of character lesson (nothing complex), and plenty of descriptive writing to establish that scary atmosphere. Then you need to run that draft through a few trustworthy and smart people to get more feedback. Aim for around ~3000 words plus or minus a thousand words.
There's an emotional sincerity in your story that I like. I'd like to see what you can do when you reign that sentimentality in and hitch to a good engaging story with lots of forward momentum.
I agree with ChristianWallis, this is an interesting idea for a story. It may be helpful to make an outline. Figure out who is the main character, what is the plot, what is the theme. Keep it simple at first and then you can expand. Keep trying!