• October 12, 1993

    Dear Diary,

    It’s my birthday today, my parents bought me a lot of gifts but I didn’t really liked them. Each present we’re just clothes. I want to go to paradise instead. Paradise is a place where you eat cotton candy clouds and hear the angels sing. I found out about it after Grandpa died, mom said he was in paradise, I want to go to!

    I asked my parents if I can go, but they said no. Don’t worry, I’m going anyways. Since I’m going without my parents’s permission, I’m too scared to go alone. So I’m going to ask Hailey if she could go with me, I know she won’t turn down the offer.

    October 13, 1993

    Dear Diary,

    I asked Hailey and she said yes. But Diary, she went without me! Now her parents are going around wearing black clothing to show how disappointment they are on their own daughter. But since she went without me I’ll just ask Stephanie. Actually, Stephanie is a coward, I’ll ask Emanuel instead.

    October 14, 1993

    Dear Diary,

    So I asked Emanuel, and he said yes! Right now I’m packing to leave, I’m going to give Emanuel green tea since it’s his favorite. I’m so excited to go to paradise, I can’t wait to taste the clouds! I’m going to write in you later when we reach our destination.

    October 15, 1993

    Dear Diary,

    I’m starting to question why I’m friends with this guy, I gave him his green tea and now all you does is get up and leave? He only took one sip, and his soul is already in paradise. Now I have to tell his parents what he did. Now who am I gonna bring to paradise? Stephanie doesn’t count as a friend, she’s always studying. Oh well, there is always next time.

    October 16, 1993

    Dear Diary,

    I told his parents, and the look on their face is priceless! They looked shocked, they are so angry at him! The next thing I know they are calling the police on him, sorry Emanuel but your fun at paradise is up!

    The World Today News broadcast

    It’s a Sunday on “The World Today”, and today we have shocking news. Yesterday, exactly on 6:32 pm, Jada Cruz was arrested for the murder of Hailey Sanchez and Emanuel Getachew. Police found her diary where she keeps stating “Paradise” on every page, police report that she meant “Heaven”. After that discovery, police immediately sent Jada to a Mental Hospital.

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    • Well this isn't great. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and say the gramatical and spelling errors are a result of a child writing this diary. If they were not intentional, you should proofread your story before you decide to post it. There are a bunch of technical issues all over the story. So, if it wasn't intentional there's a lot of work to be done in this dapartment. 

      In terms of the plot; It moves way too fast and lacks in detail. I get that the kid could be a little enamored by the idea of Paradise and death and tries to experiment with it in hopes of meeting her grandfather again. This however is too fast and too sufficient for the kid.

      Have her go around asking "what's paradise", "how people go there", "how do you die" and so on and so forth.

      Then find kids, show us how Jada convices them to "take a trip to paradise", maybe have one of her friends who questions her logic. Have one of her friends ask her stuff like, "but isn't this going to be dangerous", a child who's more knowledgable on the topic of death than Jada. 

      Do show how Jada ends up killing the other kids, but you've to be creative and keep it very childlike. You might keep the poison thing, but you'd have to make it crude - since again, Jada is a little kid. Maybe have her find out how pesticides work and then have her tell how she laces someone's drink with it. You can also play with some kid's allergy to some foods or something, Have Jada feed someone copious amounts of food (either regular or spoiled for added affect). Do add one kid she convinces to drink themselves to death. "Just keep drinking lots of water, buddy, it'll get you to paradise". Maybe Jada heard about water poisoning on the TV or something. I'd have Jada also toying with sharp objects and trying vehicular death by shoving or convincing someone to jump into the traffic.

      Another key part is that you'd have to have Jada be also "unawarabely" suicidial. She has to keep try and do all those dangerous things she convinces her friends to do, otherwise, how will she get to paradise? Her succumbing to her own shaniningans should be foiled every time by something else, be it her inability to deal with the preferred method of dying, an onlooker stopping her, the aformentioned vehicular accident bringing the traffic to a half preventing her from dying. 

      Also, instead of the Police report at the end, have a scene where Jada's parents find out she's trying to kill herself with her eventually admitting to being responsible for the death of her friends and her reasoning for that - which lends her in a mental hospital.

      This could work, but you'll have to do some work on it. Also, all in all, if you do it well enough - it'll be pretty dark and heavy with a lighter internal tone which should be cool.

        Loading editor
    • I actually didn’t know that I had spelling errors, it was probably because I was rushing to post this. And thanks for the advice, it makes the story more better.

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    • A FANDOM user
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