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  • He was looking up, stargazing as it were; when something caught his eye, two stars that shone brighter with a different hue than all the others. Baffled he reached down into the depths of his pocket, scooping out his phone. He glanced up to verify that the phenomenal lights were still there, they were; almost seeming to look back at him. Then he looked down to his phone, entering his pass-code and typing into the search bar "Cosmic Phenomenon" and clicked enter. Nothing of interest popped up, a few conspiracy websites about aliens but nothing recent. Clicking over to the news tab, he saw an article posted just a couple of hours ago, "Planets Align: Jupiter, Saturn, and Uranus Visible Tonight." Well

    "That's gotta be it,"  he thought to himself, looking back up and pocketing his phone once more. The lights still shone bright with their strange purplish glow. His eyes scanned around a bit, searching for the third planet in the line, but there was no other light similar to these nearby. Once again turning to technology, he scooped the phone back up and opened his Night Sky app, almost smacking his forehead for not simply opening this to begin with. He pointed the screen up towards where the planets were shining in the sky, he saw the constellation Leo, the big dipper, but he didn't see Saturn, Jupiter, or Uranus. He glanced back up, once again confirming his sanity; the lights still shone in the sky, now mocking him almost. He started turning and pointing his phone's screen all over the night sky, Pluto, Mars, he couldn't even find the others. He then pointed the screen downward, then he saw three neat dots and their names: Jupiter, Saturn, and Uranus.

    "That's odd," he thought to himself, "must be a problem with the GPS or something," he had said that last bit aloud. His eyes then returned to the lights in the sky, pocketing the phone once more. As his eyes stared up at the strange lights he felt compelled to lie down, so he did, he had a comfortable view of the lights still, without craning his neck at all. Then he squinted, focusing closer on them. He could almost see something there in the middle of one, what was it? His eyes glanced over to the other light, he noticed a spot in the same area.

    "Weird," he said aloud to himself. Then something impossible. The lights slowly started to go out. Not all at once, but like something was closing around them, like a massive door from above and below them. And then they were gone.

    "What the hell," he thought, and then, a sliver of purple light and another, then slowly the lights reappeared, just as if the door had opened to reveal them. He was stunned, what was he looking at? His mind raced. He stood up, realizing he was still on the ground, he grabbed his phone from his pocket, raising it to the sky, this time opening his camera, he zoomed in on the lights in the sky, click. He lowered the phone, looking at the image he had just captured, he zoomed in on one of the lights, in the center of the light, was a single black, spot. He zoomed out and looked to the other one, another single black spot just in the center. 

    "What the hell are these things," he muttered to himself looking back up to the lights. 

    His phone fell to the ground clattering with a crunch of broken glass on the rocks.

    Where the lights had been, there were now 4 identical lights, all larger than they had been before, by at least 4x. He once again witnessed the lights slowly disappear into the darkness, and then 6 lights appeared slowly, just a little bit bigger this time, but their was something different. There was still an even line of darkness cutting the top off each light, making each one a little bit dimmer. And that is when I spoke to him.

    "Why do you look upon me boy?" He shook with fear dropping to his knees, he had felt my voice come from within him, and he had not and could not have been prepared for it, far too primitive. So I spoke again.

    "Why do you look upon me you feeble thing, I do not crave your attention." I pulled myself closer to the rock this child called home, then reaching out, pulling on it from the depths of space, I reached past a few stars, a few dozen smaller rocks, all devoid of any life, I reached past the tiny rock floating around the child's home, and I grabbed the rock, the perfect sphere. It became so hot when i grasped it, but still I pulled it in with my great tendril. I pulled it past stars and through the tiny rocks. This tiny being had stared at me, even photographed me with its limited technology and perception. I was going to look at it close and make it uncomfortable. I finally pulled the perfect sphere close enough and I released my grip on it. What i beheld i hadn't expected. The planet was red hot, fiery and emitting heat, not like a star, something different. Then I realized what had happened.

    As i reached out, the other primitives had seen what was happening, and when I grasped them, they had attempted an attack with their primitive little weapons, and the forces had simply destroyed their world...they were all gone, I released the lifeless hot ball, sad that i wouldn't get my revenge for that creatures interruption and staring.

    Then I moved my gaze back to what I had been doing, I looked to the three dots in the distant space, naturally floating into a line. Graceful and beautiful.

      Loading editor
    • Okay, so there's many things that can be changed. First, give the kids a name, because you said he and his far too many times. You can get rid of most of those, i.e: "He reached for his phone, he zoomed in, his finger snapping the picture." Could be: "He snatched the phone, zoomed in, and with a shaking finger, snapped a picture." Neither of those are verbatim from your story, but it's just an example and there's something close to that in the story.

      Second, get rid of the person telling the story be the God. Not worth it, kills all the horror, because it's coming from a being we don't understand. Anything that could be scary is dashed once we learn the person telling the story is a God. It's kind of tacky. All of these kinds of stories are so much better being told in the concept of experiencing it from the human point of view.

      Next, Show don't tell. This entire story is just a power point of things that are happening. Get the reader invested. Show emotions, give viewpoint into the characters mind. Show the awe and shock, confusion and stupidity of the character going through the events.

      Finally, go through the story and get rid of words you use very often. I already mentioned he/his, but you said phone a good number of times, and another super repetitive word was light. Find different ways to say what you want. For the word like, you could say things like: faux stars, gaseous orbs, "planets", anything that you want, but don't keep saying light. It is far too many times of saying it.

      Fixing those things will make the story better. As it stands, it'll need a full rewrite, but the idea isn't bad, so this is something that should be worked on.

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    • A FANDOM user
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