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Jay ten (talk) 23:16, September 13, 2015 (UTC)

Story deletion

Your story has been deleted because it doesn't meet the wiki's quality standards. If you feel that it did meet the standards, please state your case on Deletion Appeal. Make sure you follow the instructions to the letter there, or your appeal will be automatically denied.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REUPLOAD YOUR PASTA. If you upload it again, you'll receive a 1-day ban from editing, as per the rules.

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For additional help, submit your story to the Writer's Workshop for feedback.


EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:18, September 13, 2015 (UTC)

DA

I see you've removed your appeal, but I wanted to mention a couple things. First, please post your story in the workshop and then paste the link in the appeal rather than posting the whole story there. Second is that the story still has a lot of issues all around and really should be put in the workshop so you can get some help. I wouldn't make another appeal until you've had it in the workshop for a while and made significant changes based on the feedback. Consider reading over our Style Guide for some help on the basic issues. Good luck.

Jay Ten (talk) 14:59, September 14, 2015 (UTC)

Re: Story

Starting with the basics. Here's how your story was formatted when I deleted it:

"I have crazy fears of this thing across the street this thing is watching me. I don’t fell safe I don’t like it. I tried to
think to myself, is it a friend or maybe some idiot I pissed off? I can’t remember anything I have constant amnesia. He just stands there all I see is shorts and a big head. I typing this on my mac laptop and he doesn’t see me typing it. ..."

Punctuation issues: Even when listing items, you need to use punctuation. Strength(.) Speed(.) Stretch(.) Healing(.) Human(.) Hero(.) (Additionally Hero and Human need clarification.)

Punctuation issues cont.: A lot of commas missing where a pause in sentence flow is implied: "muck(,/./!) oh my God they fell off! "

Wording issues: "$10,000 dollars to try the chemical with a clear understanding of his risk of DEATH" (awkward phrasing), "So in that time we will prepare for the test and take notes observe has new powers.", "We finished are (our) preparation (preparations) for the test, it has worked fine on monkeys, plants, bugs and other life forms.", "He was breaking threw (through) the door", "its (it's) locked and the key is in the kitchen draw (sic)."

Capitalization issues: "ok (Okay,) we are waiting for him to come into the lab so we can start the experiment.", “is (Is) that suppose (supposed) to happen?”, "name? it (It) says the article created by Darwin Finnson", "test. so (So) I tried to open the window"

Story issues: A lot of the descriptions come off as odd. "His appearance seems bald and gray." You need to go much more in depth with that as appearing gray needs clarification. (Gray skin, gray eyes, a gray/monochrome mood?) "There is a website about this hand written diary from a scientist, this is what he wrote,(:)" The protagonist is looking for information and he randomly stumbles across this scientific diary posted. It seems really contrived and hard to believe. First, that the protagonist would find such information and second that a scientist would post his findings (especially considering how he broke the law by experimenting on humans that resulted in multiple deaths.) Speaking of the scientist's journal, there are some odd wording/phrasing choices. "We hired this cool test guy to test out are (our) new S.S.S.H.H.H. chemical. His name is Billy Gatsoma." This is part of a report, why wouldn't he write more matter-of-fact/scientific?

Story issues cont: The twist that the protagonist is the scientist is also a stretch. How has he forgotten everything? Why? Why is the monster pursuing him if his data is already readily viewable online? There are a lot of issues here. You're taking the right steps by putting it on the WW, but theres a lot of work to be done here. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:54, September 14, 2015 (UTC)

Warning

Please do not blank/alter messages from the deletion appeal. As it serves as a public record, doing so can be considered an act of vandalism. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:23, September 26, 2015 (UTC)

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