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Riff Suggestion

I'm sending you and TheAzumangaDaiohFan this message because I know you both riff stories. I realized that there was someone that had been overlooked. ~points around room before pointing to self~ Me. A year or two ago I wrote, and had deleted, a pasta called "Tanks for the Exhilaration". I neither question nor criticize the deletion. I contend that it's actually well-written. The trouble is it's bizarre and a bad fit for the site. If either of you want I can post it on the talk page of whoever is interested so you can see if it's riff-worthy and otherwise wonder, "What was she thinking?". I'll be happy to answer your questions. ~pauses to ponder~ Well, some questions. Raidra (talk) 18:07, September 14, 2015 (UTC)

I can understand that, and I thank you for your interest. Here it is. Brace yourself for descriptive writing and "What the what?" moments.

Author's Note: For the record, I know this isn’t so much creepy as it is weird.

Having gotten the breath knocked out of him as a result of the last tackle, Frederickson walked to the sideline. He was the team’s current starting quarterback, a role he excelled at. As a result he was the team’s new star, the latest golden boy to have his butt kissed perpetually. It seemed that no amount of praise was too extravagant, and even the most minor of criticisms brought howls of outrage, as if his life and family had been threatened. Some fans and commentators had resorted to trashing his predecessors, who had given the best they had to the franchise, in order to prop him up. They neither understood nor cared that bringing someone down to elevate another only demeaned everyone, including the one they were trying to elevate. Frederickson had not handled this treatment well. He was becoming more arrogant and full of himself, and he had begun losing his temper over the most meaningless and harmless of uncomplimentary remarks. Some sports critics, and even many of his own teammates, viewed him as a diva. Others feared how he’d react if his supporters turned on him like they had the ones before him.

Frederickson took a seat on a bench and removed his helmet so oxygen could be administered. The trainer looked for the pump he usually used, but to his puzzlement it wasn’t there. There was instead a green tank labeled “OXYGEN”. He shrugged it off, grabbed the tank, placed it on the bench next to Frederickson, placed the mask over the quarterback’s nose and mouth, and turned the knob to start the flow of gas. Frederickson took a couple breaths and then started coughing. The trainer was somewhat startled by this, but he told him, “Easy. Just try to breathe normally.”

After a couple more breaths Frederickson’s eyes began to gleam with a new light. He somehow felt exhilarated and relaxed at the same time. The crowd noise began to grow distorted, but he didn’t care. His lips parted into a stupid grin and as he continued to inhale the gas he became more euphoric. The trainer’s confusion turned to anxiety as he watched the QB’s eyes glaze over. It seemed like the player was having trouble sitting upright. Suddenly he started laughing. As the giggle grew into a guffaw, several of the players and coaches turned to stare. One of them, not sure how to react, jokingly asked, “Did you give him weed or something?!”

The trainer turned off the tank. He started to remove the mask, but Frederickson weakly grabbed his wrist and told him, “Just a little more.” The trainer ignored him and pulled free from his grip to remove the mask. Frederickson stared at him for a moment as if wanting to say something, but then he lay down on the bench and continued to chortle. The trainer looked at the tank and noticed a chip of green paint was missing, revealing blue underneath. Suddenly realizing what may be going on he used his thumbnail to scrape off more of the thin green paint, revealing more blue and confirming his suspicions.

“What’s going on?!” asked a coach.

“This is a tank of nitrous oxide doctored to look like an oxygen tank!” Finding the “OXYGEN” label to be pasted on, he ripped off as much of it as he could in disgust. “He’s high on laughing gas right now!”

“WHAT!? How in blazes did that happen!?”

“I’ll be dipped if I know!” He looked at Frederickson, who was resting in a semi-conscious state, and wondered how this could have happened.

So, yeah. That happened. I got one response. Referring to the author's note, the critic told me that "stupid" was the word I was looking for. I laughed, said I could understand his reaction, and noted that I was surprised it was still on the site. Within a day or two it was deleted. If you do decide to riff it eventually, I hope you can create a good one. By the way, out of curiosity, did you see my comment on this blog? http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:Dorkpool/The_Strange_Case_of_Ivy_Pepper Raidra (talk) 16:59, September 15, 2015 (UTC)

I understand the anticlimactic label. It really does end abruptly. My hobby is making my own comic books, and I've decided that if I ever adapt this into comic book form, it'll be one part of a longer mystery narrative. I appreciate the nice things you had to say about it. I'm cool with whatever you choose to do. Just send me the link when/if you do something. Raidra (talk) 23:07, September 17, 2015 (UTC)

Yep on both counts! Here are some excerpts I posted for another member interested in seeing a little of my work. My comics are full of odd characters such as superheroes, space aliens, and half-human, half-animal hybrids. Sometimes they're deadly serious (I had an issue about heroin addiction, for example) and other times they're funny and bizarre (I have a character who's a superpowered Teletubby). I also plan to introduce a character named "Better Days Aside" after a misheard lyric, or mondegreen, of "Bette Davis Eyes", meaning that I've come up with a better name than Ivy Pepper.

I somehow botched posting the pictures earlier. I apologize for the inconvenience. The first three are from SLJ#81 (I've been doing this for a long time!). As you can see, one of the characters, The Flying Fox, is a rip-off of Batman. The issue he's discussing with the bat man pastor is seeking counseling for post-traumatic stress disorder. It irritates me how so many comics, TV shows, etc. have the heroes endure extremely traumatic events, and be unaffected (Don't you think people who endured some of these things would be affected somehow?). He has this thing, but he isn't letting it beat him.

File:SLJ-81-1.jpg

File:SLJ-81-2.jpg

File:SLJ-81-3.jpg

The next two are from SLJ#88. A man was transformed into a powerful monster after being exposed to the radiation of a strange meteorite, and it's up to the Super League of Justice to save him.

File:SLJ-88-1.jpg

File:SLJ-88-2.jpg

The next three are from The Afrit, my first graphic novel. It concerns a soldier who starts to go insane and imagines an afrit (a powerful and evil jinni) tormenting him each night. There's ultimately a happy ending, but things certainly get intense and unsettling before then.

File:Afrit_1.jpg

File:Afrit_2.jpg

File:Afrit_3.jpg

I had one that poked fun at an unwritten rule of comic books, but apparently it's been deleted. It had a character noting, "Aw, man. I hate being the first nameless innocent focused on in a comic! I know I'll fall prey to whatever weird plot the villain has come up with!" Raidra (talk) 14:29, September 18, 2015 (UTC)



I Miss You!

Hey buddy, what's up? It's been a long time since we talked. As for me, I've been chugging right along in my pasta and I'm currently working on chapter 11. Yup that's right! The pasta has more than 10 chapters though most of the chapters are short. 

I've been waiting awhile for a new riff. I'm not trying to rush you but it's now October and I'm really excited because its the month of spoopy scary skeletons! 

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 15:21, October 2, 2015 (UTC)



Reply to "New Riff" message

Oh thank god! For a second there, I was going crazy thinking that you were kidnapped by robotic kangaroos! 

I can't believe how far I'm getting in my pasta. I'm doing everything I can to ensure that this will be the pasta to help shine new light on the lost episode genre. People would be like "OMFG! Bes pasta! Bes pasta 100/50!" And/or "This is it! This is the pasta to save all lost episode pastas! Thank you Hailey!" But then again, I'll look to see if it would need tinkering once I submit it to spinoff appeal. 

The shadow appears in chapter 11 with even more detail. The next time it appears, I want it to have a coloured tint. From what I seen, samurai armor is usually red. But is the colour red clichéd? If so, I might go with the blue tinting. The tint is not blood by the way. 

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 15:18, October 5, 2015 (UTC)



Reply to "ENTHUSIASM!!!!" Message

Lol thanks for the compliments! It's great to know my enthusiasm is rubbing off. 

As for the colour red, I have seen some samurai armor that's blue so maybe I shall use blue (and possibly grey) for the colour of the tinting. Speaking of red, why is it used in pastas frequently? Like you always see things such as "OMFG day hyperrealistc blood was so fuckin red, my blood became black!" Or "The colour of Satan's urine is red! We all have devil urine as our blood! Haip Mr. Potato Head!" And nay we forget "The main character in Pokemon RED and Blue is named RED!!! DAT MUST MEAN HE'S PART OF DA INFERNO DANTE WAS WRITING ABOUT!!! (GASP)".

Speaking Pokemon, I used to think Pallet was a name of a colour since all the other towns and cities were named after colours. 

You know, a lot of Pokepastas focus on Lavander Town. You know what I want to see? Poke theory pastas answering these questions: 

1. Why is Erika so sleepy all the time?

2. How did Sabrina get her psychic powers?

3. Is LT. Surge a dimension jumper?

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 14:28, October 6, 2015 (UTC)



Reply to "Out of Steam" message

Maybe for the new cliches, people will include "I used to be a normal type Pokemon. Then everything changed when Game Freak and Nintendo made me a Fairy type."

Yeah, I understand the frustration of running out of steam when it comes to writing certain types of jokes. Only one person can make so many jokes about how blood is only scary during PMS.

Anyway, I got the first part of chapter 12 done. If you would like to read the first part of this chapter but haven't read chapter 11, I will send both of them to you as soon as I can.

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 14:39, October 7, 2015 (UTC)



Reply to "Gotta Have Those Links" message

Sure buddy! Here you go: http://pastebin.com/c8t33kRa

I can't wait for the new riff! Don't worry, I won't rush you. Take your time. 

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 15:53, October 8, 2015 (UTC)

critiques

Not sure if youre still interested in the critiques, but I made a place for them on this site. http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:Alstinson/Critiques_returning Make like smile dog and spread the word.   



Hey!

What's new on the CheeseDoodle, mate?

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 05:32, October 25, 2015 (UTC)



Reply to "Cold" message

I'm doing fine. I finished chapter 12 and I'm now on chapter 13. Here's the beginning of it:

" Chapter 13

After that scene played out, I noticed that my room became dimmer. I turned around to see that the sun was starting to set as it turned my room orange. While this seemed beautiful to look at, it made my head throb and I quickly shut the blinds." 

After that, I want the protagonist to explain that she closed the windows and blinds because she fears people looking in her window at night and even during sunset, she's nervous enough to close them. Here are two possible candidates for that: 

"That's not the only reason I closed the blinds and windows. You see, when I was about 9 or 10 years old, my mom would tell me to close my windows and blinds at night so that way, people would be less inclined to look into my window or break in or something like that. Ever since then, I have NEVER left my windows and blinds open at night. Even during sunset, I still closed them anyway."


"That's not the only reason why I closed the windows and blinds. When I was around 7 years old, I stayed up and watched horror movies with my brother. The movie we were watching was one of the Halloween movies. I was only a bit scared but that was because my brother kept me from outright panicking. However, there was one scene that I just couldn't handle. It was a scene where Micheal Myers was looking into a window of another character's house. Maybe it was because I was sitting next to a window that had the blinds open but all I remember after that was breathing rapidly and shaking. I also cried a bit as I hugged my brother." 

If there's anything I should change, let me know. 

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 14:01, October 30, 2015 (UTC)

New Tobit Story

Hey,

New Tobit story posted, check it out please: Tobit: The Lady and the Maiden of Knowledge.

K. Banning Kellum (talk) 02:44, November 23, 2015 (UTC)

Review?

If you have time.  Not sure if you read it during the contest, but I'm still trying to get feedback on it and you do a solid job.

Jeff the Killer Redux

Shadowswimmer77 (talk) 18:06, December 8, 2015 (UTC)

Thanks so much!

I responded addressing your comments, but really appreciate the time and effort. Shadowswimmer77 (talk) 18:48, December 10, 2015 (UTC)



Ancient Riff Uncovered by Scientists!

So while searching on this wiki, I found a riff of mine that was partially completed. It was the one on the original concept for Good Luck Charlie. I wanted to finish the riff but unfortunately, the story has been removed from this wiki. If I'm unable to find the full story on another site, I'll just release what I have completed. 

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 04:00, December 11, 2015 (UTC)



Reply to "How do you do that?" Message

I usually take the full story and comment as I go. I will also post the riff to my blog, the same place where I post my Haunting Hour Reviews though I'm thinking of creating a WordPress account for my riffs. I might call it "Azu's Riffing Corner" or something like that. 

Speaking of Haunting Hour Reviews, I'm currently working on one right now. I'll give you a bit of information on the episode. It features the grim reaper. 

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 17:15, December 11, 2015 (UTC)



What I Have so far! 

So I started my own LiveJournal page for riffs. 

Here's what I have so far: 

Azumanga Riffs #1.5 - Original Good Luck Charlie Script


Hey there guys! It's Azu here and after a long while, I finally decided to get back into riffing stories though I can't guarantee that these riffs will be uploaded regularly. For those who are unfamiliar, riffs are basically where someone takes a story and comments on it every once in awhile. These comments can be jokes or pointing out strengths or weaknesses with the story. I originally starting riffing stories on the blog section of the Creepypasta wiki. However, riffs became over saturated on there and the admins decided to blacklist riffs in order to solve the problem. In other words, you can no longer post riffs on the Creepypasta wiki and if you want to riff on a story, you'll have to upload it to another site like WordPress, Blogger, Deviantart, and other similar sites. 


Anyway, the story I'm riffing on today is a lost episode pasta called "Original Good Luck Charlie Script". This riff was written a long time ago and I wanted to finish it but I recently discovered that the pasta has been removed from the wiki. Since I can't seem to find a full copy of the story right now, I just so you what I have so far. 


This, sadly enough, is real. 


Azu: Or is it?! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!!


In 2010, Disney Channel came out with a show by the name of Good Luck Charlie. It became popular fast and is big with pre-teens and young children. It had very bland humor, but they seemed to like it. 


(Narrator): Especially the episode with the lesbian couple!


But what you may not know is that the show was originally written with a much darker premise. 


Azu: Because Plot! 


It was 2006, and I had finished with my 3–4 years of college and received my major in Screenwriting/Television Production. I was very anxious to get my name out there so I could begin a hopefully lifelong career. I applied for jobs at places like Nickelodeon Studios, Orlando, and WGN, but I was rejected from several places.


(Narrator): Maybe I should stop sending them my Pokemon fanfiction.


A little while after that, I got a call. 


(Narrator): The person on the other end was unfortunately Fran Drescher!


It was from Disney Channel Studios in Burbank, CA. They called and informed me that they had an internship opening if I was interested. 


Azu: A protagonist as an intern in a Lost Episode pasta?! Woah man! This pasta's packing some originality!


I was upset that it was all they wanted me for, but I agreed, realizing it was an OK start. Hey, it could've been worse right? Nope. They hired me and I came out to Cali to start my new job. 


(Narrator): Sadly, It took me four hours to get to my job. Damn you traffic!


I was the 3rd floor intern to the company's CEO, he was demanding but hardly around, so it was easier than I expected. 


(Narrator): I breathed a sigh of relief knowing the CEO wasn't as hard to defeat as (Insert hardest video game boss here). 


Sometime after I'd been hired, I heard that they had to start preparing new shows, due to the fact that Miley and the Suite Life kids were growing up and would soon stop being interested in doing children shows. They needed a backup plan to fall back on. 


(Narrator): That plan would be to make a show about Deadpool fighting crime alongside his lazer shooting puppy!


Disney had called out some of the best producers to create Disney's next pointless television show. I was excited to hear this! 


Azu: Nice shift of emotions there! 


For a little while I thought this could be my big chance to prove myself as a writer. I wanted to make myself a name but I just didn't know how. So I gave it up and went back to my lowly internship. 


Azu: You know, with lines like this, it's no wonder why the protagonist's determination makes them so likable! 


In mid January of 2008, I was fetching coffee for my dictator of a boss when I noticed an open door with a do not disturb sign on it. 


Azu: Ladies and Gents! It's time to play... What's The Next Scene?! So with the event described here, what do you think the protagonist will do next? Will they... A) Go into the room and get their ass handed to them by Spiderman? B) Have their soul sucked out by Adam Sandler's ghost? or C) Ignore the sign and enter anyway? If you answered "C"... Good for you! 


There was a waiting room and then a main conference room, I stood in the waiting room listening quietly against the door. 


(Narrator): I stood there uncomfortably as I listened to the sound of whales mating. 


As it would turn out, it was a private meeting consisting of about 25 people. I wondered what they were there for so I continued to pay attention. 


(Narrator): It seems as though they were reenacting that scene from Hot Fuzz where everyone says the line "The greater good!" 


A stout women stood up and announced that the pitches would continue after a short recess. "So that was it, the writers had come to pitch the new sitcom!" I thought. But then I was screwed because I'd be caught. They began to exit the room one by one, I hid in the room's bathroom. 


Azu: Room's bathroom? Hmm... Awkward wording or something more?


Well ladies and gentlemen, this as far as I have gotten in the riff. This is the part where I give my final thoughts on the story and say if it was overall good or bad or in between. However, because I only partially riffed on the story, I don't know if I can fairly judge the whole story. I will say this though. 


This story doesn't seem to have a very good start since it basically takes things that have already been done a million times before in other lost episode pastas, such as being an intern at a media studio, and barely does anything new with it. Maybe it gets better in the second or third half but honestly, until I find the full version of story, I guess it will remain a mystery. Until next time ladies and gentlemen, this has been AzumangaDaiohFan signing out!

Note: I did this on an app called Fast Notepad and I usually double space in that program. 

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 19:38, December 11, 2015 (UTC)



Reply to "Ben Drowned Message

Sure! I'd be happy to take part. Which part shall I riff on though? 

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 17:45, December 14, 2015 (UTC)



How Does One Make a Good Weebly Site?

Hey DP! How's it going? As for me, I started working on a Pokemon Fan fiction and the first episode is nearing completion. Don't worry! I'm still working on the Haunting Hour Pasta. Anyway, I want to create a site where I can post my fan fiction and I don't think Blogger or similar sites are going to cut it. I saw that your riffing site was made through Weebly and I really like the design of the site. Do you know how to get that particular design or is there someone else I should talk to? If it's the former, could you give me step by step instructions for creating the design? If it's the latter, do you know who created the site? 

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 02:25, March 16, 2016 (UTC)



Reply to "How to Make the Site" message

Ok so I have set up my site and got some of the setup complete. The only question I have for now is how do I change the colour of my background? I currently have a white background and I wanted to change it to black so that way people's eyes aren't hurting while they read the fanfiction.

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 17:53, March 27, 2016 (UTC)

Up for a Collaboration?

Seeing as I have recently returned to reviewing and you have also made a riff, I figured I'd propose the question: Would you like to do another rifftique? I know in your current riffing format, you have three different characters, but I'm sure it can still work fine (similarly to when we reviewed that "League of Legends" pasta and you wrote for both Dorkpool and Mirror).

I happen to know of the atrocities of the "Roblox creepypasta Wikia" (yes, that is the punctuation for the title of their site), and I believe that there is plenty of material.

Or, if you would like something that is more familiar ground, why not throw in another "Jeff the Killer" story or two?

Anyway, tell me what you think. AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 01:29, May 2, 2016 (UTC)

Re:

All right, that makes sense.

I wasn't quite sure if you had riffed that one, but I thought it couldn't hurt to throw out the suggestion regardless. AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 16:52, May 2, 2016 (UTC)

Re^3: Collaboration

It's fine; sometimes I'm the same way. Oh, and "Game.Parent" would probably have been my pick as well, if not only for how absolutely ridiculous it is.

If you've already started riffing it, then send me the first draft of it whenever you finish. I presume you still have my email, but just in case, it is "agrimauxiliatrix(@)gmail(.)com". AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 00:14, May 3, 2016 (UTC)

Rifftique Draft 2 Sent

As the title states, I've sent Draft 2 (which has my comments). AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 23:53, May 6, 2016 (UTC)

Riff Report Requested

Since we're talking about moments that weren't our best on MarioFan5050's blog, I was wondering if you've made any progress on riffing "Tanks for the Exhilaration". I know it'll probably be a while because I'm sure you have umpty-dozen thousand other bad pastas to riff.

By the way, I've shown Vroom a few of my comics over the last couple of months, so here are the links to the pages with annotations and commentary.

Oh, that's awesome! I appreciate you doing this. :-D Don't worry about it slipping your mind; I know that things can get shoved aside. My email is woconnor@att.net. If there's an issue then I can send another address (My brother hooked us up with an iPad) or you can post it to my talk page. Raidra (talk) 01:04, June 7, 2016 (UTC)

Hey you Dork

Hey there, I just wanted to let you know that I got around to checking out Johnny and reading a few of your Riffs, namely the Jungle Book VHS Cover (Blue ice on fire is the pain that Mowgli knows) and Miss Mosaic (which I actually tried to fix up a while ago, and check out that sweet category violation at the bottom) ones. I have to say, I thought they were pretty damn humorous. After I fulfill a few commitments I made to a couple people, I'll be sure to check out a few other riffs of yours. Anyways, just wanted to let you know. "Don't get hot and flustered, use a bit of mustard!" 19:15, June 24, 2016 (UTC)

Best Bat-fan Fiction Ever

First off, have you heard the story that Donald Trump gave Charlie Sheen fake platinum cuff links as a wedding present? I happened to find the clip on YouTube, and I thought I'd mention it since they both were rejected punchlines for that joke in your riff.

I apologize if this story is offensive. Yesterday I went to the Community Blood Center in Dayton, Ohio to donate. The nurse who took my vitals was named either Dalia or Daria, and at one point she brought up Batman. I jokingly told about a couple unfortunate drawings (from an official DC Comics book) which made Batman look like a heroin addict (One had a utility belt compartment with a first aid kit containing what looked like a hypodermic needle and a wad of cotton, and the other had a satellite Bat Cave with a stove littered with unidentified white packets). She jokingly claimed that Batman got people hooked on heroin (“The first packet is free!”) and that this pusher alter-ego was “Crazy Steve”. We went forth and back adding to the story. I asked, “Does Crazy Steve only wear a mask over the lower part of his face?” and she replied, “Yes, that’s how he gets the tan lines to even out!” I noted, “This is better than anything the comic book companies have come up with in years.” Raidra (talk) 00:20, June 27, 2016 (UTC)

All I know is he had someone appraising some jewelry at his house; I don't know why. I found the video- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dp6BIDCZRic. I'd make additional commentary, but I think the video pretty much speaks for itself.
Yeah, I should have omitted that disclaimer. I was originally going to post it as a blog, and I was worried some troll would go, "Oh, you're making fun of the heroin epidemic!" which I would never, ever do. I should have omitted it because I know you can take a joke and aren't a troll. I hadn't heard of AT4W, but maybe she was. There's a mad bomber Muppet named Crazy Harry. When Harry Belafonte was on The Muppet Show he told Scooter he was sad because he heard people saying, "Don't go in there! Crazy Harry is there!" Scooter started to explain, "Oh, they're not talking about you. Crazy Harry is- 'Crazy Harry'!? I've got to get out of here!" He fled the scene and Crazy Harry popped up and blew up something. Raidra (talk) 00:56, June 28, 2016 (UTC)

Merrily we troll along

You're just not that kind of troll. By the way, be careful of gruff billy goats trying to cross your bridge. Make them respect you, and if they don't, then show them who's boss!

That's probably where she got it! I just think it's funny. Incidentally, I found out there was in issue (I think by Kevin Smith) in which Batman admitted to peeing himself during an early case. Does this qualify as Crazy Steve behavior?

I went to find an article on Crazy Harry [1], and I found something really weird- http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Crazy_Harry_plush. See what happens when Crazy Steve sells your staff drugs? Raidra (talk) 00:53, July 1, 2016 (UTC)

Story deletion

Your story has been deleted because it doesn't meet the wiki's quality standards. If you feel that it did meet the standards, please state your case on Deletion Appeal. Make sure you follow the instructions to the letter there, or your appeal will be automatically denied.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REUPLOAD YOUR PASTA. If you upload it again, you'll receive a 1-day ban from editing, as per the rules.

Read the Deletion FAQ and our Style Guide for Writing for details on the 'what' and 'why' of the deletions we make.

Read this guide and these blog posts for further details on how you can improve your story/stories to make them meet our quality standards.

For additional help, submit your story to the Writer's Workshop for feedback.


EmpyrealInvective (talk) 18:27, July 1, 2016 (UTC)

Re: Story

Back when I read your story on the Writer's Workshop, I assumed that you were going for something that would be posted to your site or trollpasta (not because it's bad, but because it's more humorous than anything) and were just looking for some feedback before then. Starting with the basics that really don't have an impact on a story's deletion but can still cause problems, this is how your story was formatted:

"THE ROCK: Yeah, that’s me. Anyway, I’m here to talk to you all
about an important problem facing our youth today: demon summoning. I
know, most kids think it’s “cool” or “hip” to summon a centuries old
entity from the very depths of Hell, but it’s not."

While we do allow comedy elements in stories, you do have to remember that this is a horror literature site and that's always the main focus. This is mainly a comedy piece and the horror feels like an afterthought. "The emo kids nods, still chanting. A DEMON appears, grabbing Jeremy in its claws. Jeremy screams. JEREMY: This is so not safe, you lying –! The demon covers Jeremy’s mouth, muffling him." That was about the extent of the horror and the rest of the story. To put that in context, your story was around 64 lines (give or take). Those four-eight lines are more or less the horror aspect of your story, while the other 56-60 lines ("JEREMY: So you want me to help you summon a demon after all your friends backed out? / EMO KID: Like, yeah. / JEREMY: That sounds pretty stupid. / EMO KID: Like, all the cool kids are doing it.", "DEMON: What is it, mortal? / EMO KID: Can you get me some more black eyeliner from Hot Topic? My parents won’t, like, get anymore for me.", "I’ve got to go rock n’ roll. [The words “I’ve got to rock n’ roll” have been underlined in red pen, and with the same pen, presumably, the words, “ROCK N’ ROLL? SERIOUSLY. THAT’S A FUCKING STUPID PUN. I WILL NOT SAY THAT” have been added on.]", etc.) are devoted to being comical.

While some users have added comedic elements into their stories, their stories have also really driven home the horror aspects. Additionally due to the transcript format any real sense of description or scenery building is lost. ("A DEMON appears, grabbing Jeremy in its claws. Jeremy screams. / The demon covers Jeremy’s mouth, muffling him.") As someone who's started out writing a horror story only for it to segue into comedy, I understand what you're going for. It just doesn't really work. This thing is that the comedy/horror need to be balanced together. This story really doesn't do that and seems more geared towards poking fun at old PSAs ("I'm not a chicken, you're a turkey!") than bringing the horror. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 18:49, July 1, 2016 (UTC)

No problem, sorry for any confusion. A side note: I really did enjoy the humor of the story, especially some of the throw-backs to cheesier PSAs of the past. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 18:57, July 1, 2016 (UTC)

Typing on my pee sea

Earlier today I thought, "The idea of a young Batman peeing himself doesn't bother me in and of itself; it just has to be done correctly." There are numerous right ways to do it and numerous wrong ways to do it. Unfortunately, they picked a wrong way to do it. Google "Batman pees his pants" and brace yourself for the horror. On a semi-related note, there was an episode of Saturday Night Live in the '90s with a skit with elderly British actors being interviewed. One of them talked about rehearsing in a theater during the Blitz when a chunk of the ceiling fell down. He concluded, "I went, 'AHHH!', and I soiled myself!" The host replied, "I can't blame you! That sounds like a terrifying experience," and the actor replied, "No, I mean just now, when I said, 'AHHH!'"

Yeah, let's keep the Crazy Harry doll just between us for now so nobody gets any ideas!

~gives sympathetic pat on shoulder~ Raidra (talk) 01:56, July 2, 2016 (UTC)

Someone should follow it up with a scene in which Batman needs to give a urine sample, but suddenly develops shy bladder syndrome (or whatever you want to call it) and can't produce any. "Oh, come on! Now I'm dry!?"
Maybe someone will come along and show that the bad creepypasta genre isn't dead yet. "Wow! I haven't seen such innovation in bad writing in years!"
You're certainly welcome. Raidra (talk) 02:14, July 2, 2016 (UTC)

Introduction Draft

I just finished and sent the introduction to you now. AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 01:30, July 15, 2016 (UTC)

Sit. Stay. Good blog.

Maury Povich: The results are in. When it comes to the case of being entitled to be showered with praise, whiny blog poster, you are not the pharaoh!

Audience: OHHHHH!!!

Whiny blog poster (tearfully): I got three more, Maury! I got three more!

Thanks! You know I like your blog post too. :-D Raidra (talk) 15:13, July 16, 2016 (UTC)



Yo!

What's up? It's been awhile since we've talked!

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 01:31, July 21, 2016 (UTC)



Reply to "Sonic.exe 3: The Yodeling!" Message 

For me, I've been working extra hard on writing the thirteenth chapter of my R.L Stine pasta. I've also reviewed nearly half the Haunting Hour series on my blog and I plan to upload my review of the season two finale on Friday. If you like to see what I have for chapter thirteen so far, let me know and I'll send it to you via pastebin. I'm also nearing completion on the first episode of my Pokemon fan fiction which I've decided to name Pokemon: Johto Quest since a ROM hack of a Pokemon game had used the Pokemon Garnet title. I plan on working on both stories tonight or tomorrow. 

I've also been really caught up in Pokemon Go as of late and since I started playing the game, I caught at least 33 Pokemon. I would be caught 34 but that God damn Nidorina broke out if the ball and ran away. Ugh! There should be a movie called Taken 4: Gotta Catch em All! Where Liam Neason downloads Pokemon Go and spends the whole movie catching Pokemon. It would be better than that mixed bag of a Ghostbusters film where they were so close yet so far. When they did their own thing, it worked. But when they did call backs to the 1984 film, it was UUUUUUGH! Surprisingly, that film was better than Ghostbusters Two: Pause Buttons, What are Those? A.K.A Ghostbusters Two: The Same 'Ol Shit. 

I also created a wiki to display my work: http://haileysawyer.wikia.com/wiki/HaileySawyer_Wikia 

I played Lost Episode Bingo with this story: http://spinpasta.wikia.com/wiki/Cowboys_and_Indians

And this is the result: 

Screenshot 2016-07-11-01-56-20.png

                 Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 03:18, July 22, 2016 (UTC)



Reply to "Boy Cows vs. Indians" Message 

Holy crap! A pasta I played bingo with is going to be riffed by Dorkpool? It must be really bad or lulzy then, huh? Or maybe this is the biggest coincidence in the history of the Creepypasta Wiki! I've been wanting to work on my parts today but unfortunately, the heat where I am is making me too tired to do anything productive. I wish my mom would install that A.C! Ugh!

This is the latest version of the R.L Stine pasta: http://pastebin.com/iUARgYQb

This is what I have so far for the first episode of the Pokemon Fan fiction: http://pastebin.com/HZBFqbLz

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 23:01, July 23, 2016 (UTC)

I don't know if you are an admin or not. But no admins will review my revised story. I want some feedback, and im just asking if you would like to read it. it's in the writer's workshop. The Lake and the Woods(UNREVIEWED)" 

my revised version is the last reply to the page. —Preceding unsigned comment added by Tide16‎ (talkcontribs).

Thanks for the feedback.I'm revising the story right now so that the end makes more sense, and the characters have more depth. Also the grammer too. The boring part of writing. grammer.

They should have this on Gotham

I thought you might be interested in this- http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/User_blog:Raidra/Batman_versus_the_Ugly_Horde. Raidra (talk) 00:11, September 13, 2016 (UTC)

It's a little late, but I hear today is Batman Day, so have a good one! ~draws cape over face~
By the way, have you ever riffed a pasta called "The Ronald McDonald House"? I read it earlier today, and wow. It was ridiculous and tried way too hard. I planned to leave a comment on it tonight, but now I can't find it, so it may have been deleted. ~shines Riff-signal~ Raidra (talk) 00:36, September 18, 2016 (UTC)

E-I-E-I-Oh, this pasta's bad...

That's all right. "Saw the Ugly Horde post, it was beautiful." X-D Thank you for that. Free comics, yay! Of course, a lot of modern comics are so bad that I'm sure there were people going, "No, that's okay."

Here's the odd thing. I found it on this site, but when I came back that night to leave a review, I couldn't find it. I used the search engine and nothing came up. I assumed it had been deleted, but then I found out it was still here, in the Places category. I'm starting to think the search engine has issues. Anyway, here it is- http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Ronald_McDonald_House. I'll be back tonight to leave a quick review (unless, of course, they really do delete it before I can review it). Break out the cliche bingo cards! Raidra (talk) 21:48, October 1, 2016 (UTC)

Out of habit I started marking any grammar errors on my word processor to correct, but then I thought, "Nah, I'll leave it alone for Dorkpool to enjoy." Raidra (talk) 00:27, October 2, 2016 (UTC)

I'm not lovin' it

Thanks for touching base! I know what you mean, but I plan to stay around a while.

Yeah, life has a way of getting in the way of things sometimes. After I read that story I just knew I had to shine the Riff-signal. Your comment made me think of an incident that happened on some show a few years ago. This basketball analyst had a dry erase board and was talking about how bad the Memphis Grizzlies were that season (My apologies if you're a Grizzlies fan), but he was so caught up in what he was saying that he forgot to put the "h" in "Memphis". His colleagues ragged him about that the next day, and he jokingly rebutted that the team was doing so poorly that they didn't deserve to have the name spelled correctly. My point is that you can always use the excuse "This pasta is so bad it doesn't deserve to be riffed quickly!" Raidra (talk) 00:12, October 17, 2016 (UTC)

I appreciate that. I'll swing by there from time to time to see reviews new and old. Raidra (talk) 00:22, October 20, 2016 (UTC)



Hey There, Friend!

Hello! How have you been? As for me, I've been up to quite a lot. I created my own website and made my own twitter account. Not only that, but I've submitted a story to the WW board if you want to check it out.

So I noticed that Raidra was talking to you about a story called Ronald McDonald House. I've actually seen a couple readings of the pasta. One by CreepsMcPasta and the other by ThatCreepyReading, both of which I'm subbed to. I just watched Creeps' reading of it again and the part where the protagonist finds himself back in 1992 was confusing to say the least but I didn't find any other problems with it. That is, until I read some of the reviews on this wiki's page for the story. The big issue that people seem to have with it is that it seems that it wants to be the next Abandoned by Disney (which is just medicore at best if you ask me) but fails to be on par with it.

Have you ever heard of Bad Creepypastas? Basically, it's a show on YouTube about three guys who read... well... bad creepypastas and riff on them at the same time. Well, I was thinking of sending the Ronald McDonald House story to them and asking them if they would be interested in doing a Bad Creepypasta episode on it.

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 18:55, December 30, 2016 (UTC)



Reply to " 'Ello Chap!" Message

So for the My Stories section on my website, this is what I did. The stories are still in alphabetical order. However, I only left the sections with stories underneath them and I may add a new section everytime I add a story that starts with a letter or number that hasn't been used before.

So Dupin reviewed my I Don't Like What I See story again and while he said it was better, it still doesn't meet the quailty standards of the wiki. Here's what he means by that: "The story lacked in execution, so in the end it fell flat. The plot you went with is very interesting, but it is challenging to pull off. So by that I meant the story wasn't that good and would get deleted if posted on the main site." I think I'm going to leave this story alone for a while until I can find a way to improve its execution. I'm a little upset that the story still doesn't meet the wiki's quality standards but I'm not going to turn into a Gyarados and rage about it. You know what I am going to do? Keep writing and keep improving. Though, I'm really nervous about my Haunting Hour pasta now because it's a Lost Episode pasta and I'm afraid it's going to come off as too formulaic, even if it's going for a more psychological approach.

So about the Ronald McDonald House, I have heard of it and from what I've seen, I think it may be one of the few charities that I would actually trust my money with (Aside from The Red Cross and The Salvation Army). If you don't know what they do, here's something from their website that explains what they do. As for the story named after it, I don't mean to sound egotistical when I say this but... Even I can write a better story! (Maybe) I mean I would at least try and explain stuff in my story. Well that's enough of me ranting for now. I submitted a comment on their latest episode of Bad Creepypasta about the Ronald McDonald House pasta. 

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 03:26, December 31, 2016 (UTC)



 



Reply to "Hello Mudda. Hello Fadda. Here I am at... Camp Grenada!" Message

I think if enough people request a story to be read, the guys who do Bad Creepypasta will read it (see their Abandoned by Disney episode for an example of this.) 

Oddly enough, there's a Ronald McDonald House somewhere in my state and I think the author of Ronald McDonald House was trying to  think of a facility that was similar to an orphanage since actual orphanages (at least in the U.S anyway) are pretty much a relic of the past and decided that the Ronald McDomald House sounded good enough without looking to see if they actually offered services to foster children. For me, the modern equivalent to orphanages would be a group home. 

Speaking of foster homes, when I was younger, I was interviewed by my dad's then divorce lawyer and she asked me if I wanted to live in a foster home. I said no and left the room to resume playing Tony Hawk: Pro Skater 3 for the GameCube. I think at the time, when I heard the words "Foster Home" I thought of a place similar to an orphanage and got scared thinking about living in one of those places. 

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 07:53, January 3, 2017 (UTC)

The useless update of the night

In regards to this old conversation, I've watched some episodes of Atop the Fourth Wall. Linkara is great riffing those terrible issues! X-D Raidra (talk) 03:32, April 5, 2017 (UTC)

Hello!

What's up?

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 22:44, May 25, 2017 (UTC)

Re

Hell yeah, I want to see it. Post it up, dog. Good to hear from you, old friend. HumboldtLycanthrope (talk) 17:32, July 13, 2017 (UTC)

                Aww, that's so sweet. It would make a nice Valentine's Day card.  I was actually expecting to see a girl with an ice pick gouged into her eye, lol. Glad to see you're being creative, keep up the good work! 

Check this out, pretty excited: KIND NEPENTHE by Matthew V. Brockmeyer: The Humboldt Lycanthrope

HumboldtLycanthrope (talk) 20:59, July 13, 2017 (UTC)

                                     I thanked you and all the other crazy freaks on this site that have helped me with my writing in the acknowledgments! You know, that heart kind of looks like a pussy, and the hammer is the clitoris, lol. HumboldtLycanthrope (talk) 22:27, July 13, 2017 (UTC)

                                                                        It says "thank you to the creepypasta wiki community" and then there is a list of names. Yours is near the top! So, yup, there is a book that says Thank You Dorkpool.     HumboldtLycanthrope (talk) 00:52, July 14, 2017 (UTC)

₰== Re KIND NEPENTHE ==

Dude, thanks! Glad you liked it. Yeah, going for a different audience I wanted to be a little tamer, more character driven and atmospheric. Glad you liked the man-eating vagina scene, lol. Still a very nihilstic ending, though I did end with the word "Yes." Thanks again for buying and reading, brother. Most appreciated. HumboldtLycanthrope (talk) 19:46, July 27, 2017 (UTC)

            Ha ha ha! Those jokes are awesome! Missed you, dog! Review away. I'll take all the reviews I can get. HumboldtLycanthrope (talk) 20:13, July 27, 2017 (UTC)

Greetings (Again)

I'm unsure if you've been particularly active on here, but I know that I haven't been for quite a while. Thus, while I'm popping in (and, hopefully, staying for a bit longer than usual), I'd love to hear from you again. Have you been up to anything?

Do let me know if you have any new riffs or other projects.

AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 01:21, February 9, 2018 (UTC)

Re: Hello back

Not particularly. As my schedule is very busy, I plan to not commit to anything too massive. I may review some stories and take a few requests, but ultimately, I won't be starting any larger-size projects unless I get a sudden strike of inspiration.

It's nice to speak with you once more.

AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 01:39, February 9, 2018 (UTC)

Introducing Myself

Hi Dorkpool, I'm Icydice. It appears you seem like a pretty awesome guy so I wanna say hi. I've just started getting into your riffs and they're hilarious. Nice to meet you man, you're killin it. Keep up the great work.

Custom signature? pfft, as if I were that creative (talk) 02:50, March 8, 2018 (UTC)

Hey, I read your Killer Worship story, and I thought that it was really good! It made me laugh so hard that I cried! You think that you could give me any advice as to how I could be as funny as you?Neoncat22000 (talk) 19:19, July 20, 2018 (UTC)

Thank you for the advice and for the laughs! It was all greatly appreciated!Neoncat22000 (talk) 13:21, July 21, 2018 (UTC)

  • sneakes in and drops off a package*

"For Dorkpool"

https://icydice.wikia.com/wiki/The_Downside_of_Masturbation

--Custom signature? pfft, as if I were that creative (talk) 22:06, August 15, 2018 (UTC)

Shhh, no questioning. Accept the gift.

  • ninja rolls out*

--Custom signature? pfft, as if I were that creative (talk) 22:20, August 15, 2018 (UTC)

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