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Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything!

EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:00, May 1, 2015 (UTC)

Story deletion

Your story has been deleted because it doesn't meet the wiki's quality standards. If you feel that it did meet the standards, please state your case on Deletion Appeal. Make sure you follow the instructions to the letter there, or your appeal will be automatically denied.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REUPLOAD YOUR PASTA. If you upload it again, you'll receive a 1-day ban from editing, as per the rules.

Read the Deletion FAQ and our Style Guide for Writing for details on the 'what' and 'why' of the deletions we make.

Read this guide and these blog posts for further details on how you can improve your story/stories to make them meet our quality standards.

For additional help, submit your story to the Writer's Workshop for feedback.


EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:44, March 9, 2016 (UTC)

Re: WW

Your best bet is to get someone's feedback on it before deciding if it's up to snuff. If they point out a number of issues, it's generally a good sign that your story needs re-working before you submit it. You can also message an admin if no one has reviewed your story and you feel like it needs review, but they may not have time or may be dealing with other site related matters so peer-review is a more viable option. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:58, April 20, 2016 (UTC)

Story deletion

Your story has been deleted because it doesn't meet the wiki's quality standards. If you feel that it did meet the standards, please state your case on Deletion Appeal. Make sure you follow the instructions to the letter there, or your appeal will be automatically denied.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REUPLOAD YOUR PASTA. If you upload it again, you'll receive a 1-day ban from editing, as per the rules.

Read the Deletion FAQ and our Style Guide for Writing for details on the 'what' and 'why' of the deletions we make.

Read this guide and these blog posts for further details on how you can improve your story/stories to make them meet our quality standards.

For additional help, submit your story to the Writer's Workshop for feedback.


EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:38, May 2, 2016 (UTC)

I just read your new pasta, accused, and I found it really great. It was quite enjoyable, it was very original. Good job.

Derpyspaghetti (talk) 19:49, May 21, 2016 (UTC)

Story deletion

Your story has been deleted because it doesn't meet the wiki's quality standards. If you feel that it did meet the standards, please state your case on Deletion Appeal. Make sure you follow the instructions to the letter there, or your appeal will be automatically denied.

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO REUPLOAD YOUR PASTA. If you upload it again, you'll receive a 1-day ban from editing, as per the rules.

Read the Deletion FAQ and our Style Guide for Writing for details on the 'what' and 'why' of the deletions we make.

Read this guide and these blog posts for further details on how you can improve your story/stories to make them meet our quality standards.

For additional help, submit your story to the Writer's Workshop for feedback.


EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:21, June 1, 2016 (UTC)

Warning:

Please stop editing my user page, doing so again will be treated as vandalism. As for responding, I'll get back to you after I finish my dinner. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:51, June 2, 2016 (UTC)

Re: Story

First and foremost, I would advise taking all feedback into account on writer's workshop stories. Anarchic wrote: "The insects being dumped into the box is pretty cool, but there is a little plot hole (I think). They pour one cup into the brass box, and the same sentence describes how her son would 'drown in' it." This line: "dumping the cup of centipedes and other wriggling arthropods into the homemade torture box for her son to drown in - to drown in the squishy sea of legs and segments and feelers" really doesn't make much sense. How large is this cup? It has to be pretty large to cover the child completely and effectively drown him. Additionally, how exactly did they get that many centipedes? It feels like a random item to buy in bulk and catching enough to fill a cup/container seems like it would take a lot longer than expected.

Story issues: "The boy whimpered the slightest bit and crawled into the tiny cube, all the while wishing to be back with his family with his loving parents who adored and cared for him..." This causes a lot more issues than serving as a red herring as it directly contradicts the ending. As the assailants are his parents, it seems odd that he'd wish to be back with his family when he is already with them and they're the ones torturing/killing him. Rather than remember the people, he should be more focused on events where his parents were decent people as that seems to be less of a contradictory statement. Doing that allows the audience to see the protagonist's emotional state without turning against the ending.

Story issues cont.: The ending really needs quite a bit of work as well. "The boy would die screaming with disgust and pain as his body would soon turn into a living tower for the arthropods" With some research this really falls through. Centipedes are generally not dangerous to humans given their fang size and inability to really inflict any type of pain. The idea of them making a nest inside someone or crawling into their mouths, ears, nostrils, orifices seems incorrect. It reminds me of the humans eating spiders in their sleep myth that has been disproven. If they're the more dangerous centipedes that raises the question of how the parents obtained a container full of venomous centipedes.

Story issues end: Really there are a few points in the story that have some issues. It just comes off as odd that parents would decide to kill their child in such a way. It'd be on the same level as if they tried to put him in a bronze bull him or give him the blood eagle. It feels like an odd character progression (Parents love child, parents grow abusive, parents trap son in a box with a cup full of centipedes.). Not to put words into your mouth or dictate your story progression, but don't you think it might be more effective/creepy to think that this was a form of punishment instead of a method of execution? Instead of being killed by centipedes, he's forced into a box for a prolonged period during which he can't really sleep (due to the box restrictions and the centipedes crawling on his skin) or get comfortable. Would it be a bit more unsettling if they tormented him with this method frequently due to the fact that it doesn't leave scars and doesn't really cause physical harm that can be detected easily? A story doesn't always have to end in death, sometimes a more effective ending is suffering, with the promise that there's more torment to come. Which do you think would be more unsettling: A child killed by centipedes by his eccentric parents or a child enduring multiple sessions of cruelty with the implication that their suffering is ongoing?

Conclusion: Here's a guide written by Senjumaru Shutara with an addition on by me that may help some. Shorter stories can be more difficult as they have to effectively use their space to tell an involving and descriptive story without seeming like padding. The best advice I can give if you're hoping to salvage the story is to look back over your post in the writer's workshop and take this into consideration before making edits to it. Remember to edit the post or put the new version in the comments if you're looking for more feedback as we're restricting users from creating multiple posts (due to the forum rules and the tendency for it to clog up a forum that a lot of people use). Best of luck. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:40, June 2, 2016 (UTC)

I'd suggest taking more time on it and thinking of ways to make sections more fluid, really review the story, and take feedback into account. Rushing into this is not a good idea. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:12, June 2, 2016 (UTC)
I'm busy reviewing another story at the moment, I'd look over what FrankN'furter wrote in the meantime (except for the part about double spacing as both forms are accepted). EmpyrealInvective (talk) 05:35, June 3, 2016 (UTC)

Re:

First off, thank you so much for the spotlighted pasta nomination. No one has ever nominated a story of mine, and that definitely made my day. Now onto the less pleasant part: your story still isn't quite ready in my opinion. There are still some word choice issues and issues of redundancy (screamed blue murder loudly - "loudly" is redundant because a scream is loud; shut the brass lid shut - the second "shut" isn't necessary). It also feels like there's just something missing from the story. He gets shut in a box and then receives a bizarre and indefinite punishment for disrespecting his parents (in what way, we don't know), the end. I feel like for a story this short there needs to be more of a point being made or some type of revelation at the end that makes the story more relevant. The discovery of it being his parents just isn't enough to have much of an impact. It's a terrifying scene, but that's all it is at this point, just a scene with no context.

I see a vivid imagination and a lot of other potential in your writing, but I also feel like you may be trying a bit too hard to be descriptive, which can sometimes come across feeling unnatural. Keep working on this piece, or maybe move onto something new for a bit and come back to it later, whichever strikes you as best for you at the moment. I have so many unfinished stories on my computer, it's damn near embarrassing. I will also give you a couple links I gave to DoomVroom awhile back about sentence conciseness - Link 1 and Link 2. Hope this helps, my friend. Have a good one.

Jay Ten (talk) 15:38, June 4, 2016 (UTC)

Nomination

Hey Mario! Just know that nominating NSFW creepypastas are prohibited in this wiki. In that case, I have removed your nomination of Jay Ten's creepypasta Verner the Vigilante: A Disturbingly Delicious Diatribe (a greatly NSFW pasta) since, as I said, it is not allowed. Please keep this in mind. Have a good day.

RuckusQuantum 15:38, June 7, 2016 (UTC)

Check-up

Hello! I just wanted to touch base and see how you were doing. I'm not happy with the way some things in the world are going right now, but I'm doing pretty well. I'll understood if you don't respond right away because I'm sure you have schoolwork. Good luck with everything! Raidra (talk) 00:18, December 20, 2016 (UTC)

Hello! You're certainly welcome. School can be tough, but I'm glad you're doing well. :-D It'll be cool to have you more active on here again. Merry Christmas and happy holidays! Raidra (talk) 00:16, December 25, 2016 (UTC)

Template:Ambox/core

Seasons greetings!

Happy Lunar New Year! :-D Raidra (talk) 14:11, February 5, 2019 (UTC)

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