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Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything! -- Sloshedtrain (Talk) 03:05, November 1, 2012


{{Template:ALAB}} Sloshedtrain (talk) (contribs) 04:38, November 1, 2012 (UTC)

Hello

I had just read one of your stories and it was good. More science fiction than horror, which is why I am writing you. I have a story on this site which is also more science fiction, but it is rather long. If you would be kind enough to give me a review on it the story is [[[To the Moon]].

Please give it a shot and let me know what you think.

Best,

JohnathanNash (talk) 01:23, June 21, 2015 (UTC)

Thanks bro. I'm more concerned if people like it or not, so that is where I need the most help I feel.

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EmpyrealInvective (talk) 03:49, July 7, 2015 (UTC)

Re: Story

The story has some pretty big issues with punctuation, wording, and the storyline itself.

Punctuation issues: a number of complex sentences are lacking commas/semicolons: "As I sit here with the sound of my breakfast being crushed by my teeth(,) I can’t help but feel that something is off.", "Once I finished munching on my bowl of cereal I begin to saunter out the door, as I head off to work.", "Maybe it’s to get home as fast as I can or maybe it’s just to out run (outrun) this feeling.(;) I’m not sure."

Wording issues: " Could my own tiredness cause me to fully (sic) such vile dread.(question mark needed as it is a question. Even rhetorical questions need proper punctuation.)", "Terrorfied (terrified,) I run.". "It’s formless(double space not necessary) body swirling in the darkness." (Its) It's=it is, its=possession.

Story issues: A lot of it is over-written and the word choice seems out of place at times. "The bodiless whispers of the night speak softly in my ears as the darkness swirls around me. I get up out of bed and hurriedly slice through the dark abyss." 'hurriedly slice through the dark abyss' just comes off as a bit of purple prose. "In that darkened room the only thing keeping the veil of darkness from engulfing it all was the light of TV screen as it floods towards my face.", "boringly monotonous" imply the same thing. While it can help in some situation, over-writing a story can really weaken a story. (See "Blood Whistle").

The ending: the cyclical ending really feels out of place. It's referenced lightly in the story: "As I ponder the surprisingly frequent recurrence of customers(,) a man approaches me.". It just comes off as odd that the being would force the man to repeat his day ad nauseam. It has a The Strangest Security Tape I've Ever Seen-feel, but the lack of repetition and build-up really pulls the story down. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:21, July 7, 2015 (UTC)

The issue with the cyclical ending is how does it really benefit the being? Why is it forcing him to repeat this day? What is it gaining by doing this? EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:41, July 7, 2015 (UTC)
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