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A number of categories you recently tagged to a story were in violation of the rules we have listed in Genre Listing. Categories like beings, monsters, ghosts, gods, cryptids, etc. should not be tagged together. Please read the rules listed in that section before adding more categories as the next infraction will result in a one day ban. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 19:03, January 2, 2015 (UTC)
Starting with the smaller issues first: I would strongly suggest avoiding second person perspective. It limits character development and action. (As you have to take everyone into account when writing in that style and are limited in your choices.) I would also restrict ellipses use to only indicate pauses in dialogue and omission of words from a quote. A comma or period serves the same purpose in the story itself and comes off as less melodramatic. I would also avoid starting sentences with conjunctions and capitalizing entire words to signify screaming. (Exclamation points serve the same purpose making it seem a bit redundant. "AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"
Grammatical issues: you're=you are, your=possession. "It's as if your (sic) paralyzed...", " However, you're (sic) nightmare has just begun I'm afraid..."
Wording issues: "However, you can't seem to get comfortable or (and) have the urge to get up...", "All you can do is lay in awe as the noises keep erupting from outside your bedroom door." (Consider re-phrasing "erupting" to emanating.), "You attempt to look around with your eyes(redundant), and as successful as you are (consider re-phrasing), you find a shadowy figure at the corner of the furthest wall...(ellipses seem unnecessary)", "For you see, I'm the shadowy figure in your parallel (periphery?), ..."
The dialogue also has some problems: "Nothing can stop you now from the threshold of my grasp!", "Thank God for an ending!". There are also cliches here with the being always being in one's periphery and sleep paralysis (Old Hag syndrome) is far too common in pastas about dreams and sleep. Finally dysania is a condition in which someone has difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. This seems like it would be better suited for a first or third person narrative as it is not a very prevalent condition so the fact that a majority of the readers not having the condition breaks immersion. I would suggest taking your next story to the writer's workshop as they are very good at spotting and identifying these issues. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:10, January 2, 2015 (UTC)
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04:01, September 9, 2015 (UTC)