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WhyAmIReadingThis (talk) 09:05, February 11, 2016 (UTC)

Story deletion

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EmpyrealInvective (talk) 17:56, February 14, 2016 (UTC)

Re: Story

I'm sorry, but your story needs a lot of work. There are quite a lot of wording, spacing, punctuation, and story issues here that result in the story being below our quality standards. Note that this is not a comprehensive list and only details what I found.

Wording issues: starting with the basics, don't use ampersands "young woman & quite talkative", "Tall & lean" as those are typically reserved for notes. There are a lot of fragmented sentences which give the story a very rushed feel. "Raven raised a Catholic, didn’t let any ignorant person get in the way of her belief.", "She couldn’t.", "She tried hard.", "Raven avoids you.", "The demon left.", etc. You also have a tendency to change from past tense to present without much explanation. "... reads her lover’s message" to "She replied: I slept just fine"

Wording issues cont.: Your tendency to try and shorten sentences also causes confusion on lines like: "She woke up in sweats (as in pants or sweating?)" and "Raven raised a Catholic" (she was raised a Catholic, or she raised a Catholic?), "Tall & lean, with courage he stood across her bed.", "Eluded she stood, is your God here?". I'm sorry, but try reading your story aloud as those issues really cause a number of problems with story flow and getting your point across.

Spacing issues: " that : You only fear something that you cannot understand.", "passive- aggressive" You should also space out dialogue so two speakers are never on the same line. "she said: He does and you should leave before he gets angry. He stared at her wildly, I will find you again." Finally, you tend to combine paragraphs by not adequately spacing between each paragraph. It tends to combine sections you meant to keep separate like here:

"You only fear something that you cannot understand.
Raven raised a Catholic, didn’t let any ignorant person get in the way of her belief. She believed – There exists a God and it must therefore have a counterpart: she calls him the Devil."

Punctuation issues: You really need to put dialogue in quotations or space it out to prevent them from bleeding together. "she said: (")He does and you should leave before he gets angry("). He stared at her wildly, (")I will find you again.(")", Punctuation missing from sentences and dialogue. "She replied: I slept just fine" You also need to properly hyphenate compound words (words that directly impact on each other.) like "wide(-)eyed"

Story issues: You really need to italicize the being's dialogue or separate it as it tends to result in confusion for who is saying what "disgust. Wake up Raven, wake up.", "neck. Don’t you believe in me?", " Eluded she stood, is your God here?", etc. Combine this with your tendency to change topics without much lead-in and you're setting the audience up to misattribute speakers. The confrontation between the protagonist and the Devil also feels really glossed over and lacking impact. "Fighting him off, she said: He does and you should leave before he gets angry. He stared at her wildly, I will find you again."

Story issues cont.: The ending is very anticlimactic, lacks a strong ending, and feels rushed. This really needs a lot more fleshing out as I'm not even sure what you're trying to achieve here. The protagonist is visited by a being, she has trouble sleeping, she lies to her significant other. When it is combined with lines like this: "It was very simple, You (you) approach Raven: Raven (she) greets you with a smile, she reads your gestures and if she doesn't feel safe around your environment. Raven avoids you." tends to result in a muddling of your premise. How does this necessarily weigh into her demonic visitor. I'm sorry, but there is a lot of work to be done here. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 06:25, February 17, 2016 (UTC)