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Whitix

aka Sam

  • I live in Nevada
  • I was born on October 13
  • My occupation is Movie Theater Worker
  • I am a critic

Welcome

Hi, welcome to Creepypasta Wiki! Thanks for your edit to the Thread:416979#2|Your Casual Acquaintance (Unreviewed) page.

Please be sure to check out all the Site Rules, as it is important to follow them. Failure to abide by them may result in your account being blocked.

Read some new pastas by checking out the article index or browse by topic by checking out the Genre Listing.

Please leave a message on my talk page if I can help with anything!

EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:14, January 16, 2015 (UTC)

Reviews

Just wanted to say you're doing a great job with your reviews.  A well balanced and accurate review is always nice to see.  Keep up the good work.

Jay Ten (talk) 19:17, January 25, 2015 (UTC)

hello, i responded to your reply on my story

Unersame (talk) 16:21, January 27, 2015 (UTC)

Legend of the Ripper story review questions

Hello, so you posted a reply and suggestion to my deleted story The Legend of the Ripper. I had a couple of questions about your reply, for starters how do you think that there needs to be a better transition from the fake newspaper article written by the main character to the main character since you said that it was sloppy. I was wondering if you had any suggestions fo how to accomplish that?

Also in responce to several other suggestions on the story being a spin-off of Jack the Ripper, I am here to firmly state that although the character is implied to be Jack the Ripper in my story, the character itself is actually based on an original character that I created which in of itself is partially based on Jack the Ripper though I can see what you're getting at. 

Another thing is that you have suggested that I cut out some of the "extraneous details".  I am a highly visual writter and I tend to use somewhat explict details so that the reader can create a better picture of what is happening in the story. I get that you are not being rude so I was wondering if you had any suggestions of getting ride of some details without taking out all of them? Was there a particular point in the story that you felt was too heavily detailed? These are some basic questions that might help improve my story. 

Thanks for the feedback hopefully you reply to this and I can make some ajustments to the story.Paleface Jack (talk) 17:46, January 27, 2015 (UTC)

 

Possible Review?

Hi Whitix,

I have been reading a lot of your reviews and I think you are doing a great job. Would it be possible for you to give me a second opinion on a couple of stories I have recently posted? I am currently writing a story and I need all the help I can get. If you don't have time or you don't feel like doing it, don't worry, I completely understand.

My stories are:

Thief (3000+ words)

Mother's Love (short story)

Thanks,
MrDupin (talk) 10:25, January 31, 2015 (UTC)

The honor is all mine, Whitix. Your reviews helped me greatly. If you post a story yourself, let me know and I will gladly take a look.
Thanks again,
MrDupin (talk) 21:45, January 31, 2015 (UTC)

A picture for you!

You're an impressive critic, you helped me with some of my stories, and you deserve a proper profile picture, so you will not look illogical.

I shall provide you profile pic, matching with your username: http://bit.ly/1DticUP

Enjoy your new face!

I'll just leave this message here. (talk) 12:19, February 1, 2015 (UTC)


Review Request

So it seems you leave good, constructive criticism on your story reviews.  If you have the time and inclination, I'd love some feedback on mine.  The shorter ones are:

The Wicker House

Lights

Petals

If you're feeling really ambitious:

The Soldier: Part 1

Appreciate anything you can give me, and thanks in advance!

Shadowswimmer77 (talk) 20:10, February 15, 2015 (UTC)

RE: My Thanks

Don't mention it Whitix, it was my pleasure reading your stories and posting about it was the least I could do. I know that not many will see the blog post and that's a shame. You really deserve more attention as a writer, and I am sure that if you keep at it, more people will realize how talented you are.

All the best, MrDupin (talk) 20:28, February 16, 2015 (UTC)

Yeah, I'm down with that :)

I concur with MrDupin - an excellent, fair-minded idea. It's actually quite nice of you.

So yes, my friend. I'm in.

Good luck, although I will, of course, be the winner - and a gracious one, too. ;)

- The Baron

Just for the record, I wasn't the one who said 'I'm down with that'. The user just forgot to sign his message (using the four tildes ~~~~). MrDupin (talk) 18:49, February 17, 2015 (UTC)

RE: Freestyle Challenge Proposition

Greetings Whitix,

It is a pleasure to meet you. This message is in regards to your proposition for a “coalition agreement” concerning the Creepypasta Wiki 2015 Freestyle Challenge.

I am neither agreeing to nor disagreeing to your proposition.

I am here merely because I seek a little clarification. As far as I know, there is no prize for this competition, merely a little line on your profile that might read “2015 freestyle challenge winner” or something of the like. Yes, the winners will probably receive a lot of comments on their competition story, as well.

What I don’t understand is precisely when and where you want to do this advertisement. Let’s talk hypothetically, suppose I win. Do you plan to post links to the other people’s stories in the comments of the winning page, in the comments of the Competition Blog, or somewhere else entirely?

I cannot provide my stance in your coalition until I completely understand just how it’s going to work, and if the judges will allow it.

Awaiting your reply,

Tyberzannisultra (talk) 23:13, February 18, 2015 (UTC)  

Hello again, Whitix,

I would like to thank you for your gracious offer, and I have given your proposition careful consideration, but at this time I am going to decline.

Good luck with the contest,

Tyberzannisultra (talk) 22:56, February 19, 2015 (UTC)

Your Subject for the Freestyle Finals!

Congratulations on getting in to the finals of the freestyle pasta challenge! Here's your subject:

Your own Revenge story and Characters from world of THE CROW

You have until this time tomorrow to submit your pasta! Place the template Freestyle finals at the top of your pasta to mark it as part of the contest. Best of luck!

Blacknumber1 (talk) 23:26, February 19, 2015 (UTC)

This is a tough subject especially if you are not familiar with the world of The Crow.  At the very least, watch the movie.  It's on Netflix or youtube.  Take the idea that a Crow is guiding the protagonist for revenge after they havae returned from the dead.  They can be male or female, young or old, gay or strait.... use your imagination on that.  As far as horror or judging them, I'm judging by how entertaining your story will be.  I've seen a lot of things in my past work and life and not much scares me anymore.  I want to be entertained.  Horror, you have read enough pastas to where you can add aspects of horror.  I know I could  Judging by what you have written, I'd say you could pull it off.  It can be any scenario.  Example: a mother and son are gunned down in a botched home invasion.  The kid comes back for revenge.  Or young couple are murdered and the woman comes back for revenge.  Don't use these examples obviously but get creative.  Thans all I can say now.  Good luck.Blacknumber1 (talk) 02:20, February 20, 2015 (UTC)

Story on Writer's Workshop

Hi Whitix. I saw your story on the WW, but I'm afraid I can't write a review right now. I am absolutely swamped with work until the 10th of April. After that I will have time to read it. Just wanting to let you know. MrDupin (talk) 08:29, April 6, 2015 (UTC)

Review Request On a New Story

Underscorre aka Tom/Bronyscorre suggested I should ask you for some constructive criticism on this new up-coming story of mine-- The Last Day of October--Bookstore Horror

--Mmpratt99 deviantart (talk) 16:25, May 13, 2015 (UTC)

RE: Review Request On a New Story

Thank you so much for the excellent, well detailed review on The Last Day of October--Bookstore Horror. I got to all the grammar errors that were mentioned and I also followed your advice and refined the Fiona's explanation of shock and disgust so she looked less like a country bumpkin and more of a highly educated intellectual. I also converted it to her thoughts so it would show her intense fear of being possibly overheard by the Thing in the Orange Poncho.

I'm going to add bit more to the beginning intro so do the doctor guy will look less like a stalker creep and more like someone recording down a story that had been told to him by the characters who all had this harrowing experience. I'm also going to add more to the ominous atmosphere, possibly have a bunch of ghostly victims of the Thing appear, but the main character, hearing their voices, mistakes them for actual people...till she peeks out through a gap in the shelf of books she's standing behind. I'm still decided what she might see exactly.

I don't think I have what you might call a cult following, the User called Slimebeast is much more popular.

--Mmpratt99 deviantart (talk) 22:00, May 14, 2015 (UTC)

RE

Thank you again.  I really appreciate the advice and editing help.  Hopefully, I'll be able get this story ready to go soon.

--Mmpratt99 deviantart (talk) 04:11, May 15, 2015 (UTC)

RE: Collaborative Project

It should be alright, I know Emp's done two, and the length of your first submission shouldn't have any impact on whether you can contribute again. We need to get around to nominating someone to finish the thing, I speak to the other admins about it.

« UnderScorre » 17:10, May 16, 2015 (UTC)

Re: Question

My main point of confusion arises from the fact that I don't really know how to feel about the symbolism. I read the story keeping in mind that there would be uses of symbolism, and I read Dupin's comment (and your clarification that he was right) about the symbolism, but I just didn't know how to react to it. For me, it didn't really add anything to the pasta, but I never really saw anything off about it, so that area would have been very confusing for me to try and talk about in a review. I can't exactly review a story if I'm not completely sure how to feel about sections of it.

My other question is the fact that the development of the story might be affected by It Wears His Skin. I assume they are related, and I'm not sure how to feel about the symbolism of this story if it is drawn further on in that spin-off that I haven't read yet.

Making it a novel would be a very good idea in my opinion, as it would allow to expand upon some of the character established in the story. Anyway, hopefully you understand what I am trying to say. AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 02:02, May 17, 2015 (UTC)


RE: Regarding Your Collab Entry

Yeah, my bad. I'm going back and fixing some of the mistakes now. I don't want to step on anyone's toes here. Sorry if this story wasn't really up to par, I was trying to do something different than I usually do and the story didn't really turn out as well as I thought it was going to. Thanks for letting me know, and if you have any other problems with it other than the stuff you said on my talk page and on the collab page, feel free to let me know. I'm always open to criticism. Thanks. --The Damn Batman (talk) 13:53, May 17, 2015 (UTC)

Update on story

I thought I'd say I appreciated the revision last time and wanted to inform you I made changes to the Terror Beneath story, e.g:

1.) Changed the title to first section. 2.) Removed and added newer content in the first section. 3.) Made plot edits/suggested changes to the first section. 4.) Merged two-three sentence paragraphs to the preceding or following paragraph, that I found. 5.) Made dialogue stutter more in first section (still applying this to the other three).

Whenever, here's a link to it, http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:460172

That's about it and I hope this helped. In addition, I did appreciate the grammar advice, but to make it easier, plot advice will be more than good.

A-3 Loki (talk) 18:08, May 17, 2015 (UTC)

Thank you, Whitix!

Thank you for the incredible constructive criticism you gave my story! Your advice was excellent, and I have re-revised my story to try to meet your standards, and although I probably fall a bit short, my story has drastically improved, and i am about to post the better version of it! I will be sure to try to get you to critique the remake, and any creepypastas I make in the future. Thankyou again for polishing my story! Maximinus585 (talk) 04:41, May 21, 2015 (UTC)Maximinus585

Thank you

Thanks for taking the time to review the other two sections. I'll work on revising them when I'm free to do so. I'm glad you read my revision to the first section also, and I see what you meant in your review. I'll admit it was reckless of me to write cyanosis without putting in parenthesis it's meaning. I'll make sure to give it the short meaning in the rewrite (blue discoloration of skin), or just write that. In truth, I'd rather have these kinds of review, that way I know it can turn out descent at least.

Anyway, thanks again.

A-3 Loki (talk) 05:15, May 21, 2015 (UTC)

Re^3: Question

Instead of review the whole pasta as a review and talking about it, I'll just give you a quick run-down here.

The English and grammar seemed spot-on. I noticed no errors and the word choice used was quite good.

The symbolism didn't really connect with me or emotionally move me because (I think) I'm unable to really relate to the emotions of the characters. If the symbolism is about suicide, then I can't exactly relate or feel any deeper by simple symbolism because I haven't personally felt this emotion, meaning I can't quite connect with everything that occurs.

However, maybe I am in the minority. The whole plot was done very well, and doesn't need the symbolism to be a really great story. Also, there definitely was emotion in the story itself unrelated to the actual symbolism.

Not much else to say, really. I'd probably side around 9/10. It is still quite fantastic and clearly everybody else loves it, so I see no real reason to edit/change it around unless you plan on expanding it (in a novel) to make it more emotional and more interesting. AGrimAuxiliatrix1 (talk) 16:46, May 22, 2015 (UTC)

Update on Story

Sorry this took a while, but I've going through bad issues at the moment and I'm taking finals all week. Anyway, to make it short I revised all four sections of the story, hopefully, these are a bit better. The story is probably still slow, since I experimented with a new writing tool, but I'm steadily cutting it down without losing much important information, or character development.

Whenever you have the time to skim or read over it here's the link, http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:460172

-Note: I'm debating on whether to omit section two or not, and whether I should change the ending, as it seems dull to me.

A-3 Loki (talk) 16:47, May 27, 2015 (UTC)

Hi Whitix. Would you mind reviewing my story on writers workshop. It's called I Think My Parents Have Been Replaced. I think you might like it.

It would be lovely if you did, yes. Not many did anyway, but I wanted to make sure that their advice made it better.

Sorry, I just realized I meant for you to review my other story, Todd's Survival. My parents have been replaced has been given up on by me. Sorry.

--Christopher Michael Richardson (talk) 20:00, June 6, 2015 (UTC)

Yah, what I meant was could you review my story Todd's Survival on writers workshop?--Christopher Michael Richardson (talk) 20:31, June 6, 2015 (UTC)

The Second Collaborative Project is Live!

And on the main page, make sure to check it out and see your handwork being showcased. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 18:39, June 7, 2015 (UTC)

Unknown Author

Hello, I saw your comment on "Unknown Author".


Thank you for your time. There are some things I'd like to emphasize, though. English is not my first language, so there are bound to be some errors. As you read on the title, it said 'unfinished' which means that that is not the actual ending, it isn't even half of it. As I will explain later, she is not restrained at the moment because they manage to supply her with paper and is no longer violent. She has been, when they found out that she would hurt herself to continue writing.

There is just a lot lacking in the story that you cannot understand. for instance, from my point of view it makes sence the lady could break the glass and would have blood shot eyes.

As for the 'horror movie vibe' thing, I can't agree with you, since the narrator talks like a regular person, and people watch and quote horror movies on a daily basis, at least where I'm from.

The 'budget cuts' in my country are a serious thing. If you don't buy it, I'm not going to alter it to cater to your point of view based on how your country works.


Anyway, thank you very much for your time.

LEO

Thanks!

Thanks for the review on "'Your Body and You." It took me a few days to plan out the story and write it, and I'd just like to thank you for your kind words. 

By the way, Monowi, Nebraska is a real place. And Elsie Eiler is also very real. I've never visited or met the lady myself, but it seemed like a very creepy place for a story like this to take place in. Ameagle (talk) 17:23, June 12, 2015 (UTC)

Re:

We don't necessarily have times scheduled out and contests can overlap. (As was the case with my song contest and Banning's Demon/Devil contest.) That being said, if you are looking to get the maximum number of participants, it may be best to wait a bit. That being said, we'd need to see a full proposal with the concept, rules, and time frame before approving it. As Lovecraftian could mean a variety of things horror, poetry, surreal dreams, or even a romantic comedy, etc. As mentioned, I do enjoy Lovecraftian stories, but this might need a bit fleshing out. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:50, June 15, 2015 (UTC)

No problem, you might even check with Blacknumber to see when he is going to begin the contest (his schedule) so maybe yours could begin on the 20th (good concept kicking it off on his birthday) just as his is wrapping up with accepting submissions so users who plan to contribute to both aren't divided by either. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:21, June 16, 2015 (UTC)

Thanks!

You've been commenting a lot of WW stories and helping new/unsure users out quite a bit and I didn't want you to feel like it was all going unnoticed. Thanks for all the hard work. It really helps the site out a lot. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:31, June 20, 2015 (UTC)

Story Update Possible review

I finally put up the second section of my story under the first. Sorry I took so long, but I went from migraines to a flu and I'm adjusting to my new classes this quarter. I made the grammar fixes to the first section. Not sure how this second one turned out considering I'm totally hopped up a tea and medications right now.

Her's a link to it http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:468817

If you can possibly review it I would appreciate it. If not kindly message me...

A-3 Loki (talk) 02:59, June 20, 2015 (UTC)

Empy's message

Add the tag by using deletenow or M4R with the reason being why it should be deleted/reviewed.

You're welcome, that would be greatly appreciated, you have an exceptional insight into the quality of a story (especially plot-wise) from what I've seen on the WW. Inside there is thunder in your heart 04:58, June 21, 2015 (UTC)

Inside there is thunder in your heart 04:40, June 21, 2015 (UTC)

Thanks for the Nomination!

Hey, man, I just wanted to thank you for nominating my story for PoTM! I remember you saying you'd nominate it if it weren't for the NSFW tag, which is why I asked for it to be removed. Ameagle (talk) 09:52, June 28, 2015 (UTC)

I added the third section to my story. If you have the time I'd appreciate a review on it because there are some parts I'd like change, but I want to know how it is so far. I'm also questioning should I translate some of the foreign text.

Here's the link:

http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:468817

Story update, possible review

Sorry about the first message I'm just recovering from a motorcycle accident. Anyway like I said I added the third section to my story. If you have the time to review it I'd appreciate it. I also am wondering should I translate the foreign text.

Here's the link: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:468817

A-3 Loki (talk) 21:23, July 18, 2015 (UTC)

A Response to your Request

Of course you can use my In Torment series as an example. I am a strong believer that all criticism is good, so as for bad things on the story, them being said is just as important as praise to me.

As far as using the story in your blog post, I have no trouble with this idea. I allow you, and any other user, to mention the story as much as they want, how they want. Go right on ahead. ShawnHowellsCP (talk) 22:33, July 18, 2015 (UTC)

Your editing

If you focused your efforts outside of the Writer's Workshop, it would benefit the wiki. You do a lot of great work in the workshop (your insight is much better than most, mine included), and I could help out more in the workshop to try to fill in the gap a bit. Also, you might think about applying for rollback, since we only have two active ones. Looking at your edit count, you have 12 edits to articles, which you would need 450 to meet the requirement for rollback. Or you could acquire 25 cases of reverted vandalism/low-quality edits. The sooner you could reach one of these goals, the better. Your overall experience certainly merits a promotion in my opinion. I'm not sure if you have the desire for rights, but I know you could help the wiki a lot.

Inside there is thunder in your heart 23:22, July 18, 2015 (UTC)

Yeah, a lot of times I'll edit the new pages. Or, I'll focus my efforts on a particular category. The diary/journal and video games categories are the areas that I have focused on before. Regarding the above message, the requirement is 25 cases of reverted vandalism. So reverting low-quality edits probably wouldn't make the cut. If you do come across vandalism however, the WHAM tool can revert all of a user's contributions, saving time in cases of large scale vandalism. The instructions are on the page, but if you don't understand installation, let me know, I'll walk you through it. By the time you reach 450 edits, you would be quite a prestigious rollbacker.

Inside there is thunder in your heart 20:54, July 20, 2015 (UTC)
I didn't think about it, but the WHAM tool only works if you're rollback or higher, so it'll be useful then.

Inside there is thunder in your heart 23:06, July 21, 2015 (UTC)

M4R

Just a heads-up, if you come across a story that you think is of dubious quality on the site, you can mark it for review editing this template: {{M4R|Reasons}} at the top of the page in question. Stories slip by us every now and then and sometimes a story that was posted years ago is now viewed as dated or no longer up to our current level of standards. The only stories you can't mark for review/deletion are the ones in the historical archive, PotM, suggested reading, spotlighted pastas, etc. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:43, July 22, 2015 (UTC)

One last thing, when marking a story for review, we tend to put this template around the categories (found at the bottom of the page): <!-- [[Category:_____]] -->. This is a method of quarantining the story until we can decide if it is salvageable or not so other users aren't stumbling across it while they look for stories pertaining to certain categories. What this does is that it hides the categories for as long as the template is there. Thanks for the help. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 00:46, July 23, 2015 (UTC)

You won!

Hey,

Your story There's Something Between the Gears won first place in my contest. Let me know which prize you would prefer, either nomination for Pasta of the Month for August, or Spotlight Pasta for August. Your choice!

Thanks for entering, and congratulations on winning!

--Banningk1979 (talk) 06:35, July 26, 2015 (UTC)

Gotcha

I'll make sure it happens, congrats again and thanks for contributing such an awesome story!

Banningk1979 (talk) 04:33, July 29, 2015 (UTC)

 ?

Was wondering if you'd given any more thought to the contest you mentioned earlier. I also wanted to let you know that Blacknumber said he was planning on waiting a few months to do his contest, so as of right now we have nothing scheduled. Anyway, let me know what you're thinking.

Jay Ten (talk) 19:59, July 30, 2015 (UTC)

Editing

For larger pages that would take a long time to remove the coding by highlighting and removing every line of coding, here's a tip. Open the story in two tabs, highlight the story from one of them, click "edit" on one of the windows, and copy/paste it into the editing tab. Then go back to the non-editing tab, and click "edit" (yes, opening two editing tabs at the same time) and search the older tab with the coding errors for headers, italics, or bold text by using ctrl+f (searching for two apostrophes, two equal signs, <i>, <b>). Then add the headers, italics, and bold text the same way they appear in the old editing tab with coding errors. Also, if there's any pictures on the page, that would be the time to copy and paste them over to the editing tab without coding errors. That should save you some time, if you're ever fixing coding errors on larger pages.

Inside there is thunder in your heart 21:55, July 30, 2015 (UTC)

Review Delay

Just dropping by to say it will take some time to review your story, but I'll eventually get to it. Have a nice day. MrDupin (talk) 21:11, August 10, 2015 (UTC)

Can you review something of mine?

Hello Whitix, I realize that we have not collaborated or even really communicated before, but I was hoping you could take a look at a pasta that I just finished. It is currently in the Writer's Workshop. 

Any advice or constructive criticism that you could give me to help me improve my writing is most definitely strongly appreciated. 

The pasta is here.

Thank you!

SnakeTongue (Jack Crayven) (talk) 02:04, August 24, 2015 (UTC)

Update on story

Hey, I apologize for this late update, but my two week break from school was... not great. Anyway I finished updating section three, made the recommended revisions (explaied the ritual in more detail) and added more details to the prior sections so it all comes together in the fourth one. I also changed Jack to unconscious since his role got more important to the plot, if you want to skim over the minor changes.

I put up section four and changed it from heksenspook to a mare (an evil spirit or demon), for the reason that I did some research and found reliable notes that a mare is part of Germanic folklore, which coinside with Dutch folklore. I also made minor references to the Viser family being from the Netherlands in sections one and two.

Here's a link to it: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:468817


A-3 Loki (talk) 20:06, September 26, 2015 (UTC)

You seem reasonably popular...

Hello. You seem to be a reasonably well respected review giver. While I've never bothered to ask for one before (I've never thought it neccessary), I figure it can't hurt to ask you to review my story Hastur. This is not looking for grammatical problems, but rather, the story itself. I'd like your opinion on where to run with this thread, as I think Hastur as a character deserves more. This will be greatly appreciated, from one Creepypasta patron to the other. 


Yours truly, The Meta.

AMarbleHornet (talk) 01:19, September 30, 2015 (UTC)

Hey there

Hey Whitix,

I was wondering if you would be willing to give me a review on one or two of my stories. The two that I am most proud of, which will be the ones I will leave a link to, are the ones I would like a review on. Thank you for your time if you are willing to do this. The titles are:

To the Moon

Spirit Bottles

Thanks again,

JohnathanNash (talk) 02:07, September 30, 2015 (UTC)


You know, I thought you had given me a review on something, I just couldn't remember what it was. So yes, it was most likely To the Moon. As far as time goes, I have a lot of things that keep happening which prevent me to do as much as I would like on here; totally understand if I don't hear from you in a little bit.

Outside of the realm of Creepypasta, what are you going to school for?

Best,

JohnathanNash (talk) 22:51, September 30, 2015 (UTC)

Thank you for your review. It always helps me to know what others think of the stories I have written to improve, so what you had said was perfect for me to make the next story that much better.

I would like to make a living from writing some stories, but like you, I don't see it as more than a hobby at the moment. But that doesn't mean that I will stop sending out submissions and trying to be published in one of the well known mags, or even get a novel under my belt.

What does Computer Sciences cover? I am in networking, so I doubt it will go too heavily into that branch of IT. To me it sounds more like knowing the ins and outs of how to build a computer, but that could be wrong.

Anyway, I seem to be just rambling now. Thank you again for the review and good luck with your studies.

JohnathanNash (talk) 04:24, October 2, 2015 (UTC)

Your quite welcomed (and a bit annoying, sorry) feedback

Snappy 19:27, September 30, 2015 (UTC)

Ok. I have to do it more points for you to understand what Im trying to do here ( And if I sounded rude Im sorry)

1. I know I suck when it comes to grammar. English is not my first language and I can say that my english classes dont help me too much when it comes to this. I would be the happiest person in the world if someone could help me with the writing part. By the way, do you know someone that can do it?

2. This is the way I write. I like it when the text is ambiguous. It makes the reader think what it is happening while he is reading. 

3. Didnt you realized that the narrator talks in a weird way? Like he isnt adressing just anyone, that he is adressing the reader as if they would have a conversation. And I have proof for that:

I remember her so clearly as if she could be right in front of me. She could be also in the room since I’m not sure. Stay calm, she won’t do a damn thing while I’m here.  

4.  The sexist storm, the dead parents, the girl who went insane, the dissapearance of the nurse, the granny, all the bull in this story is connected. I will explain by answering your questions:

The character talks about rain which doesn't matter to the story

OH, believe me it really does matter to the story. But for the chapter I tought as putting it a setting.

He then talks about his dead parents (which I guess is okay, but does it really matter to the story?

Oh, yes again it matters to the story. But as the first chapter, of course I wount put al in one go. And I also dont have all the time I would like to have right now.

The part where he talks about how he's probably date his grandmother if she were younger was uncomfortable to read through. Surely you can express that she's a good person without relating it to incestual relations.

This is a thing Im sad about with this site. You know that the stories have categoiries and all that. It would have been easier if Incest or Rated for Adults was included in those categories. I hope you understand what I mean by that.

This guy has no personality or any real unique aspects about him.

What person who was bullied since he was a little kid has personality? (This part was mentioned in the chapter) If you know someone like that could you tell me please.

How does our narrator know the intricate details of this girls encounter? There's no way he should be able to describe it in this detail if he wasn't there.

Because he was eaves-dropping while the police was talking with his grandma. I also put that :

The police officers explained to her what happened. This is how I found out about the story.

Yeah man. Im not sure if you really read the story or just went throught it.

And the police somehow finger the girl as the killer (despite there being no evidence) and send her to an asylum? Why?

There was evidence: The dogs were pinned to the ceiling with her pencils. Ok, maybe this isnt enought reason but I cant say that a person is rational once she begins to attack the neighbour and a child right after she had such a shock. Describe me your definition of normal behaviour if Im wrong.

 Why does our narrator think she's innocent?

It was implied many times in the story that this happened in the past and that he had a feeling that he knew what was happening althought he wasnt sure.

Okay, so there's this magic storm that just appears and takes away all the dudes in the town? First off, you need to introduce this and explain it better. There's no build up to it and it comes out of nowhere.

Maybe you are right that I didnt build up this quite well. But I did say that it happened at the same as granny got the heart attack Doesnt makes you thing (HMMM What a coincidence

Same with the house being vandalized; it was done by bullies? Why? They need motivation and reason, instead of just being plot devices.

Yes, I said it was done by bullies. And as the first chapter I cant give all the freaking details in one go. Also, dont tell you didnt have heard cases when bullied people will get their houses vandalized. That is really happening man. Plus the bullies are not plot devices. They have a reason to be there and surely not that one.

The fact that no one really seems that bothered by the sexist storm is ridiculous. None of the people left wondered what happened to the males? No one left the city? This wasn't investigated? Really? Come on, where's the logic here?

Does the majority of creepypastas have logic? Im betting my money that not all of them. And also key words : FIRST CHAPTER. This would be explained to later on.

This dialogue is just awkward and unnatural. It doesn't sound like two people talking at all; I'd rewrite it.

Ok maybe your right about that. Im not sure. But for the majority of the stories with dialogue that I read, the dialogue is like that. Or Im an idiot when trying to write (that only happens in exceptional cases). Also, if you could be so kind, could you show me how I should write it, please?

So some siren lady comes out of nowhere and enslaves out narrator. There's no build up to her, and since she's never implied earlier to be behind the events that took place in the story, she just doesn't have much place here.

She isnt mentioned because he didnt knew at the time who she really was. And also, I think I said that night was the first time those two met. So its kind of normal for her to pop out of the blue. I dont like the types of stories when they do it like this It was her and she did all that. I dont find it worth it to read. I prefer more the type when the facts are stated first, how, when and at the final, who did it. It makes the people think. And also Im ashamed this site doesnt have as category Psichological.

And if she seduces our narrator, how does he retell all of this? It seems like he wouldn't be in the right mind set.

Yes and he shouldnt be. But it will be explained later in the story why he can recall tiny little bits of it.

5. This is my first time I ever wrote a creepypasta so I would be happy if you didnt launched at me like hawks. I understand that this is an eligible writing site and doesnt let of the hook the writhers like in Fanfiction but thanks to your review I will try to make it better and better. It also didnt quite helped that my page got admitted by an admin and then comes another and takes it out as if nothing.

6. As I said this my first creepypasta ever. So I think I have the right to write it as I like it. But, yes Im quite happy that someone replied and told me what he thinks. But, if I may sound like a bitch Im sorry, I would like for you to read it one more time since this type of stories need a clear mind to process the information correctly.

Thank you for giving me feedback. If you ever want to accept my preposition of helping me or if you know somebody who can help me Id be really grateful. And once and for all: This is the goddamn first chapter so its normal it wont be everything in it at the first go.

Good Bye.

Snappy 20:51, September 30, 2015 (UTC)

Ok, I rearead my review and I really sounded like un ungrateful prideful bitch. Im sorry.

I just had some hard days so I didnt quite needed someone criticizing my work. Anyway thank you for your review and for snapping me to reality with your message. And yes I will be really grateful if you could give me and my story a second chance. I am willing to hear out your own points and afterwards trying to improve. Thank you.

Re:

The name Hastur was derived from the book "Good Omens", although it almost certainly came from Lovecraft. And the story was entitled Hastur as I planned it as a sort of starting point for his series; the event to set things in place, if you will. Other issues I shall look into promptly. Much thanks for the in depth review. I also must tell you that I do, in fact, plan on delving into both Hastur's past and future at a later date as, better stated twice, this was merely the thing to start the scales of judgement.


-The Meta AMarbleHornet (talk) 22:40, September 30, 2015 (UTC)

Update on Story:

Sorry to bug you and I apologize for the late request (I was in a hurry and had a hellish month), but I finished adding the fourth section in the story. I made the recommended revisions (explained the ritual in more detail) and added more details to the prior sections so it all comes together in the fourth one. I also changed Jack to unconscious since his role got more important to the plot, if you want to skim over the minor changes.

I changed it from heksenspook to a mare (an evil spirit or demon), for the reason that I did some research and found reliable notes that a mare is part of Germanic folklore, which is with Dutch folklore. I also made minor references to the Viser family being from the Netherlands in sections one and two.

I am currently working on another story, so whenever you have time to review it I'd appreciate it. Catch you later.

Here's a link to it: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:468817

A-3 Loki (talk) 16:05, October 5, 2015 (UTC)

A little Feedback

Hey Whitix,

I was wondering if you could look at a story I have written that is in WW. It is titled Bedtime for my Daughter. I am thinking about using it for the contest and would like to get some feedback on it.

Thanks,

JohnathanNash (talk) 03:22, October 7, 2015 (UTC)


Request For Critique

I have just completed the latest chapter in The Last Day of October series. If you have time to review this story, I would very much like to hear some feedback from you. The Last Day of October--Short Hoggers

--Mmpratt99 deviantart (talk) 02:01, October 22, 2015 (UTC)

Review Request

This is Loki again and I know it's been three weeks since my last message, but a lot happened. Now that I'm a month from my semester end, I figured I would ask a review for the fourth and last section of my story. If you can I would appreciate it or whenever.

Thanks in advance,

Here's a link: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:468817

A-3 Loki (talk) 05:51, November 2, 2015 (UTC)

Your review so far

Thanks for your review of the first two parts of The Follower. You basically confirmed everything I already suspected. I'm curious what you'll think of parts 3 and 4. Just so you know, the reason I've been looking for feedback is that I'm thinking of having these pastas removed from the wiki. I doubt I'll finish the series at this point, and the first two installments are my first two creepypastas ever and I've improved a lot since then. Even though I wrote part 4 recently, it was kind of a chore and I'm not sure it's even that good. Just some food for thought. Thanks again! Umbrello (talk) 06:03, December 9, 2015 (UTC)



Question

When you finish the requested reviews or at least part of them, will there be a page that compiles your reviews of these stories? I can help you with the creation of that page if you want. 

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 05:53, December 27, 2015 (UTC)



Reply to "My thoughts on the story so far" message

Ever since I first started writing this story, it has been reviewed by countless other people who have given me some advice on the story. Some of which was really good advice.The most recent review was made by Snaketounge who said I should add some more imagery which I did. I could try and expand the shorter chapters or combined them with the longer chapters if that helps.

Regarding character development, I'm trying to figure out where to put the development without slowing down the story or making it seem forced. I usually write out characters before I write the story but since I didn't do that this time, it's a bit harder to figure out where to place that development.

So basically, it ends with the shadow figure's transformation completing, becoming a 3 dimensional being, and chasing the main character out into the streets. The main character tries to get away from the shadow figure by swimming to the other side of the lake. As she is swimming, she becomes exausted to the point where she passes out and is brought to the hospital. Here, it's implied that the shadow figure was all a hallucination by the protagonist and also implies that she had a mental illness. It's one of the endings I'm considering.

The other ending is that the events in the story are basically an episode of a show being watched by someone else. It's an episode within an episode! Episodeception guys!

Third ending could be that it was all a horrible fever dream by the protagonist.

The R.L Stine episode plot summary: Kristy and her family has just moved into their new house in Japan after Kristy's father had been tasked with transfering over to another branch with the company that he works for. As the family is moving in, Kristy meets a neighborhood boy named Hotaka Kozumi who tells her about the Legend of The Samurai Girl. Kristy then accepts an invitation to an outing with Hotaka's friends on the weekend. Little did Hotaka know that telling the Samurai Girl legend outloud would result in a series of horrible events in the listener's life. It starts out as minor and gradually becomes worse. During the outing, Kristy, Hotaka, and his friends partake in a ritual that's similar to Ouijia and from there, things escalate further.

That's what I have for the plot so far. The legend draws influence from another Japanese legend called Tomino's Hell. According to legend, if you read a poem that bared the same name outloud, bad things would happen and you would be sent to hell. The cold opening shows what the Samurai legend is all about visually which I thought was kind of a neat idea.

The show would usually take the time in the first part to establish mood, characters, and atmosphere. I perhaps could've show that a bit better. If you want to more about the show, you can read my reviews of the show's episodes on my blog.

Maybe I can add more connection to the real life character's conflicts. Here's what I propose. The Samurai girl is there in the episode, however, you never see her in the actual episode. Sure, you see the bad things that happen to the episode's protagonist but you never see the samurai in physical form after the cold opening. In the real life setting, the shadow figure is the visual form of the samurai girl from the episode that the real life protagonist sees. Though that might be revealed later in the story when the shadow figure becomes a full samurai.

Until next time, I'm going to be doing some major overhaul on my story.

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 02:31, December 28, 2015 (UTC)



More on the review

I gotta say, the review of my story really opened my mind. I've had more than 10 or 15 other people look at this story and besides the character development issue, I've never really seen the issues you brought up addressed by anyone else. That's quite amazing. 

To be honest, while I'm not upset by the review, I'm very nervous about my writing skills. I'll try the best I can to fix whatever issues the story faces but I feel like I'm always going to come across an issue with the story. Though to be honest, no story is perfect, right? 

The chapters thing was added by me to help keep track of where I am and where the reader is in the story. But I will try to get rid of the bite sized chapters. I'm adding development to the brother. Basically the protagonist will be kind of annoyed by her older brother because of his child like behaviour. That's an idea that can develop both the protagonist and the brother. 

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 07:17, December 28, 2015 (UTC)

Lovecraft Contest

Hey Whitix.

Just wondering, when are you planning to hold the contest? It's mainly for personal reference.

Thanks

Rinskuro13 (talk) 15:51, December 28, 2015 (UTC)



Reply to "This is what I mean" message

Thanks for clarifying on the atmosphere and tension part. Starting with chapter 6, Erika and Hunter go missing (Later revealed they were on a quahogging trip and got lost on their way home). I might consider this plot but I don't know if that would make Erika and Hunter pointless characters. I think Erika has a bit of character before chapter 6 so for her, it shouldn't be a problem. 

" Chapter 6


By the time the cold opening had ended, I found myself sitting on the edge of the daybed in a trance as my eyes bulged out of my head and my mouth gaped open as wide as it could. Out of all the Haunting Hour episodes I've seen, this had to be one of the best cold openings of the entire series. In fact, I would've been satisfied if this cold opening was just the entire episode. I had soon gotten out of my daze when the intro to the show came on. Since I had already seen this intro, I decided to fast forward through it.


When I came to the beginning of the episode, I decided to pause it and get a drink. Although I wasn't limping as much as I did earlier, it was still difficult to walk down the stairs. I eventually made it to the kitchen and started to search the fridge for a refreshing beverage. It didn't take me long to find something I liked and I started to make my way upstairs. Before I could make it to the stairs, I saw the shadow figure from earlier dash across the living room floor and disappear behind the ivory beige leather couch. However, the figure seemed to be a bit more detailed than before. You see, it seemed to be wearing trapezoid shaped headgear. 


At that moment, my heart had skipped several beats as I dropped my drink and bolted as fast as I could towards the door leading to the backyard. "Erika!" I shouted frantically at the top of my lungs. I started to check all of the areas in the backyard, especially the most visited spots such as the shed and grilling area. When my search came up empty handed, I ran back in the house and screamed Erika's name even louder. At this point, sweat was pouring down my forehead and my head felt extremely tight as I was wondering where Erika was. I had yelled Erika's named and banged on nearly every door in the house. After my search turned up empty, I scrambled to find Erika's old beat up prepaid phone that she would use as a house phone to contact her. When she didn't pick up, I curled up into a ball and I started to whimper loudly. 


It had taken me quite a while to calm down and realize that I should go to my room and wait for Erika and Hunter to get home. I got up from the floor, grabbed a bag of salt and vinegar chips from the cupboard and headed upstairs. I closed the door behind me, plopped myself on the daybed, and hit the play button on the remote without hesitation." 

That's what I have for that plot so far along with a plot point that an algae poisoned Osprey rams into the window of the protagonist's room that will happen later. 

Heeere's Hailey! Wanna Talk? 19:06, December 28, 2015 (UTC)

Re: Contest

It looks good so far, I'll pass it on to the other admins for their response. Unfortunately, another user directly contacted us a few days before your contest proposal started so we may have to space it out to maximize participation and delay your contest a bit. As you recall, when we had multiple contests for Halloween, participation was done for all. (The costume contest got 1/2 as many entrants as last year). Hope you understand. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:36, December 29, 2015 (UTC)

Thanks for understanding, we'll try to get back to you when I get some feedback/response from the others. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 21:52, December 29, 2015 (UTC)

First of all, I want to compliment you on your work The Blood Canvas. It has quickly become my favorite Creepypasta. I am starting a Creepypasta narration channel on Youtube and I would love to do this story for my first post. I felt it only appropriate to get your approval of this first and take the opportunity to compliment your work.  NightmareDarling (talk) 20:16, January 4, 2016 (UTC)Nightmare DarlingNightmareDarling (talk) 20:16, January 4, 2016 (UTC)

Critique request

Would you consider giving some critiques on any of the stories published on my profile?

One in particular, "The House and the Father", I've since revised as seen here: http://creepypasta.wikia.com/wiki/Thread:518579

I'm considering revising much of my other work as well, as I fear for its quality. So I'd like to get some other people's opinions. That way I can get outside my own head when looking at them again.

Thank you,

Gabemcceldry (talk) 22:18, January 4, 2016 (UTC)

Re: re

Thanks for the critique! I'll keep all of that in mind when I edit/revise it again.

Gabemcceldry (talk) 23:40, January 4, 2016 (UTC)

Fantastic! As soon as it's up I'll put a link to it here or on the comments for the story. I love that the protagonist is a female. I feel like most of the good creepypastas I find are based on the protagonist being a male, maybe I just haven't run across the others yet.  She is a strong, well written character with flaws that she has to deal with and overcome. These experiences that she has had to endure are dealt with in a very realistic way that many people look past in every day life. Not only is it my favorite creepypasta, but it's one that I highly reccommend to others.  NightmareDarling (talk) 01:06, January 5, 2016 (UTC)Nightmare Darling

Re: Contest

This is a bit more of shaky ground and I'm not sure if an ARG would go over well (There is a fairly large range of ways this can go wrong like unintentionally causing other people to start role-playing, result in a lot of confusion over exactly how to create/enforce the system, etc)) or could be effectively enacted on the wiki, especially since we tend to focus more on literature here rather than acting/videos/etc. I'll talk to the other admins and see what they think, I just thought I'd express my concerns before then so you don't get too far ahead of yourself. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:00, February 9, 2016 (UTC)

Regardless, I messaged the others on our discussion site so hopefully we'll reach a consensus in a few days. Maybe they'll have some ideas to make it more streamlined or easy to approach, time will tell. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 04:14, February 9, 2016 (UTC)
While it is an interesting idea, other admins have expressed concerns for how we're going to enact it and carry it out. We decided to pass on the ARG contest due to these concerns and the ones outlined above. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:22, February 13, 2016 (UTC)

Re: Summer Contest

We're pretty open at the moment in terms of contests so feel free to think up a good theme, find some supporting judges, and/or and get a proposal going for evaluation. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:51, May 31, 2016 (UTC)

NP. Take your time. We really don't have anything lined up in the near future. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 23:58, May 31, 2016 (UTC)

I'll pass it on to the others. I really don't see too many issues there. We'll try to get back to you asap, but it may take a few days to get everyone to take a look at it. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 06:02, June 1, 2016 (UTC)

Unfortunately no one else has weighed in yet. I messaged them on our channel dedicated to contests, but haven't heard back yet. I'm sorry for any delay, but I really am looking for a consensus as I rather not okay any projects without at least the others being aware. I'll re-ping them and see if I can't get them to take notice. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 01:38, June 7, 2016 (UTC)
Sorry for the wait, I'm just going to assume that the others see no issue with the contest and I'm going to approve it for you. Thanks for being patient and congratulations.
The only thing I'm worried about is the fact Steam giveaway prize. As I'm not too familiar with how it functions, I am kind of worried about how we could intervene should there be issues with distribution which could lead to some pretty large problems. Feel free to pastebin a copy of your contest with the announcement/guidelines/rules for approval when you're ready and we can get this show on the road. Once more, sorry for the wait. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 06:21, June 13, 2016 (UTC)
Blasphemy! I approved it, but I was also curious if you would rather have the winner be the spotlighted pasta rather than giving away the games as a prize. We didn't come to a decision on whether this was the way to go, but we've done it in the past. Let us know if the spotlight is something you're interested in.
Jay Ten (talk) 13:11, June 13, 2016 (UTC)

The proposal looks good to my eyes. I may go through and put headers in for sections to make them easy to get to, other than that, I think it's good to go. As Jay also weighed in on the contest proposal, I'd wait till tomorrow to get his feedback to see if there's anything I overlooked. EmpyrealInvective (talk) 02:43, June 14, 2016 (UTC)

I see nothing wrong with it. You use the word unique twice in one sentence (perhaps that was intentional). You can post it any time, and we can make any slight alterations as we need to (like turning the words Quality Standards into links, maybe linking the style guide, etc). Thanks for your willingness and effort to do something fun and positive for the wiki. If you have any questions, always feel free to ask. Good luck!
Jay Ten (talk) 13:45, June 14, 2016 (UTC)

Re:

Thanks for catching that blogicle. Have a good one.

Jay Ten (talk) 13:16, June 5, 2016 (UTC)

Contest

Good evening, I was curious, may I use a story that I literally posted a couple of days ago? I think it fits every category? KillaHawke1 (talk) 01:18, June 15, 2016 (UTC)

I totally understand and have no problem with that decision. In fact, the very reasons you gave are why I wanted to reach out to you first before submitting. I am glad i asked before just submitting.

Anyways, if you would like something to hold you over until all those new and unique stories come rolling in, definitely checkout my story Can You Feel It Coming its my weirdest by far....and definitely check out the narration. I do my own and I have to say this one is pretty amazing. The link is in the story. take care KillaHawke1 (talk) 02:38, June 15, 2016 (UTC)

Checking In

How is the contest coming along? Just let us know by the end of the month who the winner is so we can get their story on the front page in time. Thanks. Hope all is well.

Jay Ten (talk) 20:42, July 24, 2016 (UTC)

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